I sometimes get confused by some of the posters here. I thought we were a board for those who were dealing with a spouse's MLC and trying to save our marriages. . . . Michele explicitly admits that dealing with MLC is difficult, much more difficult than 'conventional' dbing, with an even less certain outcome . . .
People whose marriages ended in divorce still come here ot post, to tell us that there is life after divorce, and because they too have been through the h*ll of MLC. They add a much needed note of realism, and I like and respect their point of view.
Some people who saved their marriages still post here, or who are reconciling, because having gone through MLC, they feel more in common with people here than in Piecing [or so many of them post] Some stop posting, for a variety of reasons.
The people who bother me are those who having decided not to go on standing, then try and tell the rest of us that what we are doing is ineffectual and pointless. Thank you, but the rest of the world is already saying that.
I am intelligent, and I know that the outcome may not be the one I hoped for when I started lurking here. But, I do not regret having tried, because that is what DBing is about. Trying to give your marriage another, and better chance.
Could people who decide to relinquish their marriage please not try and tell the rest of us that we are wrong?? This is a DBing board, not a pro-divorce board.
A friend of mine's partner got pancreatic cancer two years ago. The prognosis is not good: two years on he is not only alive, but thriving, with every chance of living a long life. He has beaten the odds. He was lucky, and they did all the right things. There were people telling my friend, Lizzie [not her real name] not to get too hopeful. Her response was - "if he dies I wan't feel better because I was pessimistic about the outcome. I know the odds, and we are going to try and beat them with optimism and our best efforts"
So we know the odds, we love all those who go on supporting us, even if their marriages didn't make it, despite their best efforts. But do we really want to be told to give up because it is hopeless, before the fat lady sings?
Thanks for your post! I feel the same way. We must not be naive or blind to the difficulty of our situations, but at the same time we are here to support one another and make a stand. We can walk away from our MLC spouses any time we want, but for now we have chosen not to do that. Even if our marriages end in D, I still feel we are growing as people through this agony. I know I have, though it is agony! I've been inspired to read a lot of Buddhist writing about learning to live with uncertainty, abandoning control, and walking directly to the pain rather than trying to flee. Those are valuable life lessons no matter what happens with my marriage.
I agree that we are here in support of each other as we are making an effort in our stand. I believe that we are all intelligent enough to make our choices without those who would tell us it is hopeless. There is nothing in life that is hopeless. I am not naive and I realize that what I came her for may not happen the way I first hoped. I am also intelligent enough to know that perhaphs I didn't dream big enough and what I'll come away with is so much more.
Bruce - I agree about the pain. I have grown through facing and acknowledging this. It is at the root of all great systems of religion - but it is hard. It requires grace.
Apart from what I can only describe as a terminal head cold [I don't normally get colds, and I in denial about this] I am having a good day. Debating whether to go to a private view of an art exhbition tonight or stay at thome and keep my germs to myself . .
A: I needed this reminder that saving my M is what I came here to do. Thinking about really letting H know that this is my ultimate goal (you'd never know by my manic posts of late, which show how I've been flip-flopping back and forth on this issue...)
Do all of your MLC/WASs know your strong opinions on standing for your M?
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
Jack - there are those who say there are no success stories! it is great that some of you stay around, although I can also understand that after a period of time everyone wants to leave and move on with their life.
well, I can honestly say that just because my wife came back home and wants to be married, does not mean I am successful, this will always be a work in progress, I never want to lose sight of that.
I never want to be complacent in my marriage.
As for leaving, I leave alot, so far I have come back, maybe one day I won't. (shrug)
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
well, I can honestly say that just because my wife came back home and wants to be married, does not mean I am successful, this will always be a work in progress, I never want to lose sight of that.
Yup.
I'm still here too. I'm just being busy with my research and writing--this ME TIME feels good!
I am still here too! I agree that my M is not fixed...it is a work in progress! What I have realized is that without the support I rec'd from this board and the books I read I would be divorced by now. MLC sucks...and it takes a breed (like all of us!) to realize we can stand for our marriage no matter what. I stay here and not in piecing because I understand all of you and you all understand me. It is comfort and security! Some on this board have stood by me since day one and rejoiced with me when H wanted to try....and cried with me through all the BS I was put through. We are all smart and know what our boundaries are. I support everyone here in whatever they do...go through with D, stand for M, work on R...whatever it may be it needs to be what is best for us! This is a very personal thing and to have people say "move on...get out"... is hurtful! angelica, your post is great! Thank you for saying something that I have been thinking!!
