How to tell co-workers your separated - advice?

[shell-shocked]

Hi Everyone

I've been physically separated from my MLC W since June 1. During this time I have kept the separation from my co-workers for a couple of reasons.

(1) I find it really awkward to tell people your separated.

(2) I am successful at work and want to continue to be so. I feel that by telling my co-workers I am separated they may view me as a failure or treat me differently (i.e., sympathetically) neither of which I want.

I know I will have to eventually let them know or they'll figure it out. I think I would feel better once it's out in the open.

What do you say ... Do I tell them my wife is going through a MLC and the M was a casualty?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!

[azhira]

I didn't.

I figure it's none of their business. I'm not 'hiding' it, but it's not like I want to advertise it. (And I'm actually divorced...finalized a year ago.)

Once before, I told coworkers what was going on. Not a good idea. Swore I'd never do it again.

[mkultra]

Timely. I was just slightly outed today. I felt I had to tell a few folks but watch out it does spread like wildfire. If at all possible, tell who you must to keep it private and let them know to send only positive thoughts and prayers as you do hope for a reconciliation. One benefit of telling a coworker is if they have been in a similiar sitch and can relate to the burden. Overall, it is not helpful to my own PMA and I would rather act as if. Think about it as a need to know basis. BTW, we are not faiilures if we continue toDB!!! No ways can we let ourselves think we are failures.

[shell-shocked]

Thanks azhira and mkultra

I have confided in two people (other than immediate family) over the last 6 months. One is a co-worker and he was in a similar situation and has kept it private. The other is my best friend. It really is none of there business as it no longer affects my work. But they will eventually figure it out when I don't show up with my W at the christmas party or they find out I live in a different home by myself (some co-workers live in my neighborhood). Or see my wife with someone else.

The co-worker kept his separation a secret for a whole year. When the subject came up after a year he would simply respond matter of factly "Oh haven't you heard were separated".

People at work have told me we were role models for a perfect marriage. When they find out about the separation they are going to want some details about what happened.

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

When they find out about the separation they are going to want some details about what happened.

So they want details.
Why do they want details?
How will that improve things for you or your X or kids?

Usually when someone asks me a personal question I do not wish to answer or divilge information I respond with a more personal question directed for them. If they are stupid enough to answer your question they are too stupid for your personal details. Otherwise it's none of their business.

He who asks the questions directs the conversation.

[shell-shocked]

NHFS

"It happened." Would this generate gossip as they start discussing/guessing the cause? I was thinking maybe providing few but succinct words to avoid gossip. Maybe I'll just say my W is out of town for the next ten years :->

[SallyM]

just say she had a conflict. normal enough, especially around the holidays. you don't have to tell them anything you don't want to.

honestly I'd keep my private life private for as long as possible. unless these are your friends and you socialize with them, there is no reason for them to know, certainly no reason for them to know details. and especially if you are still hoping to save your marriage. trust me, you don't need an earful from a well meaning co-worker who has their own ideas as to what is right for you to do.

what it comes down to is that it is your call. I'm a sahm, so no co-workers, but I do have a network of other sahm's that I am friends with and those I am friendly with and see often, if not daily. I've told a few close ones what is going on, but have yet to make it common knowledge. honestly, I don't have plans to until/unless we file.

[shell-shocked]

Thanks morgan

[mkultra]

It came up at my reunion this weekend! How bold and brazen! Maybe the guys wanted to ask me out? They asked if I was married, my quick reply was ,"Yes, kind of, oh, well my husband is not here, we are .....separated." Huh? Why didn't I practice it better than that?

My neighbors have also noticed the absence of my H after a few months. I just say we are separated. They get depressed. We were idyllically cute. I just say, "Maybe it will work out, if not we will be OK. We are still friends." The truth is we are not friends and I would not want him back. "Go Young Wickham for I would not want you back."

[SallyM]

oooh, she quotes p&p. mk, I love you. seriously, maybe I could switch teams, just for you.

"we are separated" sticks in my throat, too. maybe that's why I still don't say it much. but really, I figure bad news travels fast enough. in the meantime, I've got more time to build up my own strength for dealing with poeple who are too interested in details. a few months ago, I would have given them an earful and regretted it later. now I'm more cautious, a little less open about the whys and wherefores. a little more respectful of the fact that those things aren't for everyone's ears.