it doesnt matter how strongly someone believes something. It doesnt make it true. Either it is true, or it is not. There is no such thing as "it's true for them". That's the kind of crap that justifies divorce as 100% ok, rather than a broken promise and obligation. "what is true" can be best defined as "what is still there, reguardless of the amount of belief or lack thereof"
Now, whether it is true or not, may not change their mind on whether to do something about it. But it doesnt somehow change it from 'true' to 'false'.
I shall repeat what I said, rephrased slightly to match your A+B=C analogy:
"I dont want to" + "I'm not in the mood" IS NOT EQUAL TO "i cant".
It's simply "I wont".
They are not "incapable" of doing something about it. They just dont choose to do anything about it.
People like that who say "i cant", are simply using it as a verbal shield to hide behind, rather than being honest by saying, "I dont believe that the benefits to me of doing it, are bigger than the negative impacts to me of not doing it".
To put it another way, "I Cant(find enough motivation to) do that"
Last edited by Dom R; 11/12/0709:38 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
You may think you're being witty, but it's not the same thing at all, martello.
There is a big difference between a HD person saying to their spouse, "I want you to swing on a trapeze and do ..... to satisfy me", vs " I need to have sex/physical intimacy with you".
In the same way, there is a big difference between a response of, "I think I would hurt myself swinging on a trapeze... but I'd be happy to do ... or ... if thats what you need", vs "NO I WONT swing on a trapeze... or anything ELSE that you might fancy, I'm NOT IN THE MOOD/not interested/dont care if your penis falls off, 'cause I'm just fine."
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I have to agree with the point Dom is making, to this degree: "I can't" is OFTEN shorthand for "I don't want to" or "The benefits of action A do not outweigh the deficits for me at this time."
This may seem like semantics and therefore unimportant. But I think there are powerful unspoken messages associated with these different ways of expressing oneself. "I can't" carries an implication of helplessness/victimhood. Whereas "I don't want to" or some form of "It's not worth it to me" acknowledge the fact that choice is involved, which may lead to uncomfortable inquiries into issues of selfishness.
These differing ways of framing a response to (in this case) a mate's needs/desires can affect even how the speaker views the matter. If we believe our own "I can't", it frees us from the frightening prospect of even beginning to pursue the possiblity of change, let alone the desirability. It's always good to recognize when a choice is being made. IMHO.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Dom "I don’t want to" + "I'm not in the mood" IS NOT EQUAL TO "I cant".
I agree with that process and thought.
People like that who say "I cant", are simply using it as a verbal shield to hide behind, rather than being honest by saying, "I don’t believe that the benefits to me of doing it, are bigger than the negative impacts to me of not doing it". That is the whole truth in many cases when someone says they can't.
I see the connection Dom, between I can't or as I put it A+B=C, as the person isn't motivated.
I still have a situation, like many, of wanting what my SO doesn't value very highly.
What I see is a SO will do somethings, sometimes, and to a degree. Sometimes that action can be a gift and appreciated as a gift. Sometimes it is offered but not happily or freely given.
Kettricken If we believe our own "I can't", it frees us from the frightening prospect of even beginning to pursue the possibility of change, let alone the desirability.
Good observation K.
I know two people that say they can't learn to use a computer at their former employer's location or at home.
One person retired early. The other person had some additional problems and filed for Social Security Disability.
I offered to show both people only the basics of computer operation. They stuck by their story, they "couldn't."
I told social Security applicant they could learn a few things if they wanted to, but their attitude was getting in their way and it wasn't that doing a few things on the computer was that difficult.
The person in the last case wanted to be a dog psychologist/massage therapist.
I forgot. Never try to prove a point or argue with a person that has a mental illness. My bad.
