Hormone checks are a good place to start but don't forget it's the biology in combination with the social environment that plays a role in SD. I think you said there is a history of sexual abuse. That will be a major hurdle. If she has a LD due to BOTH factors, it's going to be extremely difficult.
What about if her hormone levels are low? Test, estro etc. Maybe that is the problem?
What if it is? What is SHE doing to get to the bottom of all this? Do you see where we are all coming from?
ETA: We are all looking for 'initiative' on her part (CeMar calls it desire). Constant initiative. Not something you have to push her into, but from a place she finds within herself. SHE has to want it... THEN you can work with her.
So is everyone saying to me that if two people don't start out sexually compatable, it can't be improved upon? I want it, she doesn't, and thats that?
Is this REALLY all you hear us saying?
Take the cotton out of your ears.
The books, the therapy, the workshops, and this BB, for that matter are for couples who want to improve their relationship: BOTH PEOPLE IN THE COUPLE.
Do you hear that: both people have to want the R to improve. BOTH people have to want a solution.
Sexual incompatibility is starting out with three strikes against you, BUT if both people are willing to work on the issues, then I would say there is a whisper of hope.
But that's not what you've got here. You've got a fiancee who doesn't see what the big deal is, or if she sees, then doesn't care to do anything about it. Is SHE worrying that you're unhappy? Is she reading books, talking to people, looking for ways that you can both be happy and satisfied?
It's not the sexual incompatibility that's the MAIN problem, although it is huge problem... it's the fact that you're the only one in this R who seems to think there is a problem.
THAT's the message we're giving.
Sexual incompatibility is a huge obstacle to overcome, but if only ONE person sees it as a problem, then it CANNOT be overcome.
OK, I've got an axe to grind, so I may as well do it now. I was used by a man who was married to a low desire woman. She had sex with him once a month, some months. But they had 2 children, so the world wouldn't have guessed. He saw me and thought, I can test my sexual prowess out on that woman. He used me for the sex he couldn't get at home for almost a year. Sometimes, he whispered her name when we had sex. Or told me next week is our anniversary, when it was his anniversary with her! Then when I finally broke it off, he still used me as his imaginary lover. Probably for several years. He was sick. He called me for years afterward. Do you want to be like that?
Alright I get it now, she is unwilling to work with the sexual imbalance that we have, she isn't doing anything actively to solve the problem like I am with the books, the messageboards etc. Maybe she doesn't understand the seriousness of it yet. Maybe she never will. I will do everything I can do in my power to solve this problem, with tests/counseling etc. But in the end, she has to want to fix it as well. I get it. I can't do everything in the R. I appreciate all of your insight on the issue, I'm grateful for the advice. She's really a good person, we just might not be sexually compatable and I guess that's ok. I know I can't force it, no matter how much I want to. It hurts pretty bad, but I'll work through it. I will keep you guys posted in the future for anyone that's interested in what happens.
From what I have seen, while there can be validity to the hormone thing, it is the last cry of the desparate. I think it is what we try when we have run out of all options and don't want to face up to reality. Not to say that it never turns out to be the case and if you read up on this board, you will see the very occasional time it is. But keep in mind, your fiance is 25 and hasn't had kids. I think the odds that it is hormonal are extremely rare. And, let's assume for a moment that it is...
Is your fiance willing to admit she has a problem and go to a doctor? Does she believe the problem is her, or that it is your problem because sex is too big of a deal for you? Um, I thought so. See your last post where you started to ackowledge reality.
Sorry to be so harsh, but it is tough for me to read your posts and observe that you still are in denial.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Maybe she doesn't understand the seriousness of it yet. Maybe she never will.
Some people finally "get" the seriousness of the problem when the other person bails... if that happens, if you call off the marriage, and she FINALLY sees the light, then by all means give it another go BUT DO NOT GET MARRIED.
Some people STILL don't get it, even when the partner bails.
The only way to find out which she is is to... well, you know.
I get it. I can't do everything in the R. I appreciate all of your insight on the issue, I'm grateful for the advice. She's really a good person, we just might not be sexually compatable and I guess that's ok.
No, you still dont "get it".
It's not that you have different sex drives. It's that she doesnt care about your needs
Why would you possibly want to marry, or even be in a long term relationship with, a person who, when you tell them, "this is a really big problem for me", basically responds with..
"... well, it isnt a problem for ME! so, no problem here."
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
