On the outside, I appeared normal, out going, even gregarious. Yet I was unable to express any uncomfortable emotion... I would not cry... would not show any form of vulnerabllity... to do so would require me to lose control. And to do so... was so terrifying for me... I just simply didn't do it. I'd avoid it, avoid life, avoid love, avoid, avoid, avoid. If I couldn't avoid it... I'd get a headache... or I'd eat... or chain smoke... or binge drink. Something... anything... that would take my focus off it. - Corri
I read this from an old post and it really hit home with me today. As I was reading the whole post, I got to this paragraph and I don't know what happened...this is me ! I can't..no I won't allow myself to show these uncomfortable emotions or vulnerabilty.
I avoid, withdraw, or in most cases..cover them up with humor. Why do I do this? I've got a wonderful wife that I adore and think the world of...and I think she feels the same towards me. I can't put my finger on what is causing the emotional pain or why I'm feeling it - especially now. But guys, I'm hurting like hell inside.
I see Miss IC on here and at home struggling to "live" up to IC's "attitude" - truth is...I've lied to her, to all of you on this board,...and to myself. I'm so sorry ! I've got a wife and 2 beautiful girls and they are the ONLY reason that I can come up with to battle my cancer. That SCARES the hell out of me ! I'm not doing it for me ! It scares me to think that if they were not apart of my life...I WOULD not fight this ! I would see this as a somewhat dignified way to finally escape the emotional pain that I feel.
Everything that I've learned on here, Lill's stories and insight, Corri's excercises and honesty...I hate to keep singling these 2 out because all of you have contributed - thank you. My reactions and comments have all been genuine...except for my attitude towards the cancer. I'm sorry everyone for lying to you all, I truly am. Miss IC is struggling to find "strength" in her to help me..truth is, she's the strong one. Without her and the girls, this would probably kill me...and I would let it.
IC, I'm going to give you similar advice to what I said to your W: don't overthink this too much. Your feelings right now are in turmoil. There's no right way or wrong way to feel. Feelings come and go, like storms over the ocean. Lots of things influence them. I'm sure you've had the experience of feeling great one minute, and then something happens and you feel like cr@p-- or the reverse... you feel awful and something happens to change your mood suddenly.
Don't put too much stock in your feelings. They are guides, but they are not a good source of rock-solid, long-term data about who you are at this moment. And right now, you're on a roller coaster ride.
For us eavesdroppers on your life, it started on this BB with all the convo about your dad... then you revealed the cancer... you and Miss IC have been close, scared, apart, clinging to each other, running from each other... don't try to make SENSE (in the sense of "logical" sense) out of all that. Don't discount the event with your nephew-- a very emotional event where YOU stepped into the role of your DAD... I feel the spirit of your Dad was very near during that. And no you weren't any way too hard on him.
[You know hunting is a sensitive area for me, and hunters must behave responsibly. My late H and I owned some property pretty far from where we lived and one of the neighbors there called us and told us that some people had gone over our fence and hunted. They killed everything in sight-- ~20 animals-- and just left them... fawns even, and the young bucks (I forgot what you call them)... in a big pile. Clearly they were just killing to be killing... every time I think about it, I want to cry and throw up-- such disrespect for life is disgusting... Maybe those people wouldn't have done that if they had learned respect for the animal from their fathers or uncles. Or maybe they were just scum.]
Think of yourself as being in a small sailboat on the ocean. The waves come, the storms come, the sun comes out, it goes away, it's calm, it's turbulent... but through all of it you're in this boat that has this thing... I don't know what you call it, because I'm not a sailor (although I did enjoy all the Horatio Hornblower books AND the TV series), but it's pointy thing that sticks out of the bottom of the sailboat to help keep it upright. Well, while the wind and rain are blowing your little boat around (those would be your feelings), the pointy thing under your boat goes all the way down to the bottom of the ocean, so there's NO way you can drown and be lost.
Some days you seem to be steering the boat, some days the wind pushes you, some days the boat is still, and some days you're lying passed out on the deck. The boat is safe AND ON COURSE at all times, whether or not you're consciously steering it, kwim?
Don't look to your FEELINGS right this minute (and the same goes for you Miss IC) for accurate data about your life and your relationship.
The feeling that the only reason you're fighting this is because of your W and kids-- nothing wrong with that. The fact that Miss IC admires you for traits you don't feel you possess-- nothing wrong with that either.
The chemo and other recent events are wreaking havoc with your thoughts and your emotions. And the enforced inactivity is giving you WAY too much time to think. When my late H was waiting for a kidney transplant (and it was also in the fall, during hunting season), he got a huge complicated model airplane kit and kept himself busy with it. He'd never built one before. I still have it hanging in the house.
I read a great quote from St. Francis of Assisi yesterday (patron saint of animals)-- and this is good advice for you and Miss IC these days: "Preach the gospel at all times. When necessary, use words." Obviously, you're not "preaching the gospel," but it's possible to talk and think too much. You can get caught up in the maelstrom inside your mind. Try not to give in to it too much. Many people have gotten through cancer and chemo and you can, too.
If you don't want to talk about being vulnerable, then don't talk. Just hold hands. You and Miss IC can establish a practice of connecting physically (kiss, holding hands, long hug) and skip the long analytical talks for now.
There's nothing wrong with the way you're feeling. Even when your feelings are uncomfortable, they're not wrong. If you want to label yourself a liar, I guess you certainly can... but who of us can accurately characterize him or herself with a label that holds true at all times. Labels are really pretty useless. You don't have to hash everything out and analyze right now. Just reach out for comfort while the storm rages. The sun will come out eventually.
Don't think that what you're feeling is wrong its just how it is.
Maybe the fact is that right now the things of value to you are your wife and family so yeah maybe they are your reason too live. Who gives a f@ck what your reason for wanting to live is if it's to count Jelly beans so be it.
As to your pain inside I think most of us have parts that hurt. There's lots of ways that people avoid facing it, humor is a pretty good way.
IC be understanding, kind, forgiving and gentle with yourself.
I can't honestly say that it's the cancer, or the chemo that is making me feel this way because it goes back so much farther than that. Maybe the situation with the cancer is pushing the feelings more to the surface, but they've always been there.
It just really scares me that IF they were NOT in my life and I came down with this cancer, I wouldn't fight it. The emotional pain of..of..what I don't know the cause, gets me to that point of not really caring to live or die. Why? Why don't I have more respect for myself, respect for my own fcking life to think that if these 3 wonderful people were not in it...I would lay down and let cancer eat me away? Just so I would not have to feel the pain anymore. I respect the life of others, I respect the life of the deer my nephew shot enough to do what was necessary..why can't I respect my own ?
PS - I was a boat person..I think the thing you're thinking of is the keel
Maybe the situation with the cancer is pushing the feelings more to the surface, but they've always been there.
This is exactly right IMHO. The cancer is shouting at you loud and clear that you're vulnerable, that you need other people, that you love the people who are close to you so much that it hurts... AND you may also be identifying with your dad, too... he didn't fight (so it seemed to you) and now you're thinking you wouldn't fight if if if...
You are a soup a stew a minestrone a bouillabaise of feelings, my man.
What Martelo said, too: who cares what the reason is?
I just took myself to Sonic! I got out of the house in my wheelchair and left it beside the car in the driveway while I drove into towm. Yippee!
While on that excursion, I came up with another bit of advice: I see both you and Miss IC judging and evaluating yourselves all the time... if you can possibly manage to cease judging so much... and that includes positive judging as well as negative judging. Try to take a rest from grading yourself on how you're "handling things," how you're feeling, how you're doing.
Sometimes when I find myself judging myself all the time, I just say the words "no judgment" over and over again... especially when I'm trying to fall asleep.
The cancer has indeed brought a lot of dormant feelings to the surface. You will need to work through them, but you don't have to do it all at once.
Also, you have NO way of knowing HOW you would react if your W and kids were not in the picture? That's one of those "roads not traveled." There are SO many variables... if if if if if...
Lil, I am glad you enjoyed your Sonic adventure, but please be careful. It sounds like you have good accessibility from your house to the car ( iow, no steps), but I am wondering how you are doing the transfer into the car by yourself. Also, please tell me it's the left ankle you broke.
My house is very wheelchair accessible... lots of floors with no carpeting, grab bars in the shower. I can stand up easily on my right foot/leg without my left foot touching the floor.
I have a wheelchair ramp to the house left over from when my husband lost his leg. And yes, it's my left ankle.
I was wondering why you said you couldn't drive... do you drive a standard?
I pull the wheelchair to the car door, open the car door, stand up on my right leg, swivel ~90 degrees counterclockwise and sit down on the driver's side. My left foot never touches the ground. In the car, my left foot gently rests on its side. I can bend my left knee-- the first splint I had from the ER I couldn't bend my left knee-- VERY inconvenient. Then I just drive... Back home, I reversed the process, got in the wheelchair, pushed with my hands and right foot up the ramp backwards into the house. Am I missing something? It could be that I'm being dense and not seeing something that you're seeing...
Lil, It all sounds kosher from here. Thinking back, I felt more housebound because we have steps, and my leg was placed in this heavy boot contraption that made it hard to maneuver.
The fact that I have the ramp makes all the difference, and that it's a one-story house. Also the fact that I can bend my knee in this splint.
I appreciate your going over this with me, Dr. RJ.
By the time I'm done with this, I'm going to apply for a job as a kicker with a football team (then I guess I'll have to learn something about football...). At first I had to go through a lot of complicated maneuvers to get from the sofa to the wheelchair, but now I can pretty much raise myself from a pretty low seat using my right leg, and my hands for balance. I should be able to kick a football through those tall stick-things* without any trouble!
_______ *Yeah, I know they're called goalposts... just foolin' around!
