I'm sorry everyone for lying to you all, I truly am. Miss IC is struggling to find "strength" in her to help me..truth is, she's the strong one. Without her and the girls, this would probably kill me...and I would let it.
Dear IC. You didn’t lie to anyone. It was obvious from the start that you were laughing in the face of fate, pain, fear, and uncertainty. Give people credit …. we pick up on such things. Especially if we’re all too familiar with the feeling.
You, too, value your life, just for itself. To say that without your wife and daughters you’d lay down and die is a defense mechanism, aka “if I pretend I don’t want to win the battle I won’t feel like a failure if I lose.” But I’m quite aware that the pain you’re talking about is very real. You lost your father too soon. It sounds like the rest of your family has been (and is) less than supportive. It must have been devastating. And you learned to hide all of that and laugh and pretend everything is peachy. That was bound to catch up with you at some point. And it did.
IC, the Buddhists say life is suffering, and they have a point. If your wife and your girls are what is keeping you going, be thankful for them. And try to avoid the trap of being the “strong one”. A lot of people who have an illness like yours sort of think something along the lines of “I’ve already let down my family by becoming sick so the least I can do is to be perpetually cheery so they won’t have to put up with my illness AND my emotions”. Which sounds pretty on paper but has the distinct disadvantage of being complete hogwash. As I’ve said, people pick up on these things. The best thing you and your wife can be with each other is real. Try to tell each other how you really feel. Not how you think you should, kwim? Try it – it just may become addictive.
And cut yourself plenty of slack. You’re great people, both of you. And both very strong in your own way.
1. The truth of suffering 2. The truth of the cause of suffering 3. The truth of the end of suffering 4. The truth of the path that leads to the end of suffering
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Just to pipe in with my own view here "there is suffering" or "life has suffering" is probably a bit better statement of Buddhist belief.
I bow to your superior knowledge. I have a Buddhist friend who translated it to me as I quoted, but he could well have missed the subtleties as he doesn't speak English that well.
I hate to tell you this... you aren't a liar. Sorry. You don't like feelings that are uncomfortable. That makes you about a 'normal' as anyone could be.
Learning how to constructively 'self-comfort' through the uncomfortable feelings is what a lot of people never learn how to do. Men typically just 'stuff.'
Getting something like cancer is tough for anyone, but I think, most especially men. They've got something 'attacking' them and they are at the mercy of others to 'fight.' It leaves one feeling helpless, scared, and completely out of control over their own destiny.
Well, IC, that just... sucks. I mean... don't you think? You'd like to get angry, smash somethng, someone... and there isn't anyone or anything to get angry AT.
You saying that your wife and kids are the only things keeping you fighting... that if it weren't for them, you'd just let things run their course?
Buddy, that is stinkin' thinkin and just stop it right now. Your attitude, your determination are the two things you need to self-comfort when you get scared, and they are the two things you need to 'fight back.' It's mental warfare.
Just like hockey. And YOU my friend, are a hockey player.
Stop all this non-sense. NOW. It is incredibly okay to feel scared, to not want to fight, to hurt inside. So pull out your gratitude stones and start saying 'thank you.'
And once you get this cancer beat, we'll hire you a good shrink so you can talk to him/her about this 'avoidance behavior' problem you seem to think you have.
You, too, value your life, just for itself. To say that without your wife and daughters you'd lay down and die is a defense mechanism, aka "if I pretend I don't want to win the battle I won't feel like a failure if I lose." But I'm quite aware that the pain you're talking about is very real. You lost your father too soon. It sounds like the rest of your family has been (and is) less than supportive. It must have been devastating. And you learned to hide all of that and laugh and pretend everything is peachy. That was bound to catch up with you at some point. And it did.
Southern Girl, I think anytime would have been too soon for me to lose my dad, but yea..it was way too soon. I think what hurts me most is the way it happened. My dad and I were very close up until the last few months of his life..and for whatever reason, he shut me out. My whole family pretty much shut me out. Why, I don't know. I mourned his sickness by myself, I mourned his passing by myself, so yes, you're right..I learned right then and there to hide all of that inside. I didn't have an outlet, and that has been my weakness ever since. There's a part of me that wants to release all the pent up emotions, the hurt, the pain of losing my dad, the pain of losing my ex-wife, the pain that I've caused Miss IC, and now the pain of cancer....but at the same time, there is a part of me that won't allow it. It won't allow the vulnerabilty that comes with releasing these emotion to come through. It's like I'm stuck in limbo between this struggle and I don't know what to do.
Getting something like cancer is tough for anyone, but I think, most especially men. They've got something 'attacking' them and they are at the mercy of others to 'fight.' It leaves one feeling helpless, scared, and completely out of control over their own destiny.
Well, IC, that just... sucks. I mean... don't you think? You'd like to get angry, smash somethng, someone... and there isn't anyone or anything to get angry AT.
You saying that your wife and kids are the only things keeping you fighting... that if it weren't for them, you'd just let things run their course?
Buddy, that is stinkin' thinkin and just stop it right now. Your attitude, your determination are the two things you need to self-comfort when you get scared, and they are the two things you need to 'fight back.' It's mental warfare.
Just like hockey. And YOU my friend, are a hockey player.
Corri, Ok, I can talk hockey...how's this? Let me paint a little picture here {lace 'em up..you're a hockey player now }...I'm coming down the ice with the puck, you stand between me and your goalie...Corri, God gave me a gift - sure I nurtured it with hard work and practice, but it was a gift that would allow me to make a move around you that would leave you looking for your jock strap....or...I also had the drive, grit, and determination to go THROUGH you. Either way, it didn't matter to me!...I was coming - my will vs. yours...and there was NOTHING you could do to stop me - Nothing! From studying the game, your eyes, your body language...I knew what you were going to do before you did...you were at MY mercy, the game was at my mercy...it was a gift, and while it lasted, it felt good...but that's all over now.
Fast forward to now...I'm in your skates now..and cancer is bearing down on ME...it's unpredictable. Where's it gonna go? What move is it going to make? Is it going to bowl me over? I'm at it's mercy..I'm at the doctor's mercy...I feel there is NOTHING I can do to stop it. I'm being attacked and I feel helpless, no control...I'm the one searching around the ice for my jock strap...I'm lost.
Corri, Next time you're watching a hockey game, watch what happens when a player get stuck down in his own end and loses or breaks his stick. He knows what he wants and needs to do {get the puck out of the zone and get to the bench to get another stick} but yet he can't leave the play...he's helpless, he's vulnerable...I'm that player...I've broken my stick..I've lost an edge on my skates..I'm slipping and sliding all over the ice...I hear all of you screaming from the bench, instructing me on what to do....but yet I can't seem to get there.
And once you get this cancer beat, we'll hire you a good shrink so you can talk to him/her about this 'avoidance behavior' problem you seem to think you have.
Ok, I can talk hockey...how's this? Let me paint a little picture here {lace 'em up..you're a hockey player now \:\) }...I'm coming down the ice with the puck, you stand between me and your goalie...Corri, God gave me a gift - sure I nurtured it with hard work and practice, but it was a gift that would allow me to make a move around you that would leave you looking for your jock strap....or...I also had the drive, grit, and determination to go THROUGH you. Either way, it didn't matter to me!...I was coming - my will vs. yours...and there was NOTHING you could do to stop me - Nothing! From studying the game, your eyes, your body language...I knew what you were going to do before you did...you were at MY mercy, the game was at my mercy...it was a gift, and while it lasted, it felt good...but that's all over now.
Read everything in bold, and rub those gratitude stones while you do it. And what is in italics... erase from your being.
You are still that very talented, determined, gifted hockey player. You didn't quit. You didn't get beat. You got sidetracked due to circumstances beyond your control. That doesn't change what you are inside -- the guy that took God's gift and ran with it. You used the gift in the medium of hockey, but all the talent, gifts and instinct you talk about up there doesn't belong to the game of hockey. It's yours. It's in YOU, to apply to whatever you want.
Remember that story you posted to me about the woman who gave away her valuable stone to the man who knew its material worth? He brought the stone back because he recognized that what she had inside was far more valuable that the actual material worth of the stone.
What we have here, what we are discussing, is the same exact thing. You talk of your hey day in hockey as if it were that valuable stone. The stone doesn't have anything to do with it, honey. The game of hockey didn't either. It's what's in the man and what he brought TO the game... it is the same exact thing inside the woman who had no problem giving her stone away in the first place.
You have that. You just don't seem to know it at the moment.
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Fast forward to now...I'm in your skates now..
You obviously have never seen me in skates or you never, ever would have made such a ridiculous comparison.
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and cancer is bearing down on ME...it's unpredictable. Where's it gonna go? What move is it going to make? Is it going to bowl me over? I'm at it's mercy..I'm at the doctor's mercy...I feel there is NOTHING I can do to stop it. I'm being attacked and I feel helpless, no control...I'm the one searching around the ice for my jock strap...I'm lost.
You are NOT lost, you are panicky. Can't say I blame you... I think I would feel the same way. BUT. I also have a bit of spunk in me. A tad or so. And I so loathe the feeling of panic, and even in my very worst moments, that 'grit' seems to act on its own accord and get me out of my Center of the Universe Chair. I can't imagine that while you were playing hockey you didn't get knocked on your azz a time or two... don't care how good you were, it happens, eh? What did you do?
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but yet he can't leave the play...he's helpless, he's vulnerable...I'm that player...I've broken my stick..I've lost an edge on my skates..I'm slipping and sliding all over the ice...I hear all of you screaming from the bench, instructing me on what to do....but yet I can't seem to get there.
Dude... I've watched TONS of hockey. I know this sitch. Our kids start kicking the puck like soccer players, and start throwing checks anywhere they can, if they can't get to the bench. If for no other reason than they are just pissed off they broke their stick.
I know what you are trying to explain to me, though. I'm really not trying to be a cheerleader right now, not even a coach. Not a 'come on IC, F-I-G-H-T!!' Though that does have its place and time... just not in this particular convo.
No, we don't know what this cancer thing is going to do. So take it off the table. No sense considering it. I know you know the difference between the performance of teams who are trying 'not to lose,' as opposed to the performance of teams who play to win, right?
Play your game. Play to win. Get in that 'zone.'
Now, if I'm pissing you off, by all means, rip me a new one. It might feel good to get it out of your system. But my above discussion still stands. Keep rubbing those stones, and you think on that story. YOU were the one who found it and posted it here. I think that's pretty interesting, don't you?
There's a part of me that wants to release all the pent up emotions, the hurt, the pain of losing my dad, the pain of losing my ex-wife, the pain that I've caused Miss IC, and now the pain of cancer....but at the same time, there is a part of me that won't allow it. It won't allow the vulnerabilty that comes with releasing these emotion to come through. It's like I'm stuck in limbo between this struggle and I don't know what to do.
You are journaling, IC. You recognize it. You are at least informing people, even if you are not indulging all that pent up stuff right now. That's okay. It isn't time yet.
When a person is working toward a goal... they hurt, they get frustrated, they get discouraged. They may even indulge those feelings a time or two. But the person who achieves the goal does not take his eyes from the prize, kwis? They get up, every day, in spite of it all, and do it again. And again.
When you reach the goal, you look back, and you might say, 'fck that was hard' (with a big ole grin on your face). But all the hurt and frustration and discouragement doesn't seem to be the giant ugly monsters they once were. kwis?
Keep your eye focused on the goal. That's all you need to know.
It won't allow the vulnerabilty that comes with releasing these emotion to come through. It's like I'm stuck in limbo between this struggle and I don't know what to do.
IC, even though you say you don't want to release the emotion, you are, in fact, doing it. I don't know if you imagine that "releasing the emotion" will be some dramatic event like the eruption of a volcano (or like an orgasm), but in the last few weeks, you've made huge strides.
You are "releasing" the emotions and the vulnerability "is coming through." "Releasing the emotions" doesn't mean you won't feel any pain any more. It just means that the things that have been eating away at you under the surface are now in your conscious mind and you have acknowledged them. And you are doing that.
There's nothing cheerful and upbeat about having cancer. The fact that you are so angry and scared is very appropriate-- and that's another point for your team [Lil works in a sports reference ] You are having appropriate emotions at the appropriate time about something of great magnitude. (I know I'm doing that judging thing that I told you not to do.)
Being terrified while you're having cancer is absolutely correct. If you were in here telling us you weren't scared or worried, that you were sure you were going to beat this thing, telling funny cancer stories, etc., I'd KNOW you were out of touch with what is really going on.
It's times like this that force people to look inside themselves and find out what they really know and what they really believe. I'm not talking specifically about religion, although religion can be part of it. I mean, what do you believe about how the universe works? Do you believe that bad things like cancer are totally random re whom they strike? or is a vengeful God punishing us? or is a demanding God purifying us in the fires of suffering? or is it karma-- payback for some past misdeed? is there no order or meaning at all and getting cancer or being in the Twin Towers on September 11 is just plain bad luck? is cancer strictly hereditary-- bad luck to be born with some messed up chromosomes? or a result of a myriad of physical causes too numerous ever to pin down and avoid?
What do YOU believe is happening to you?
And remember (this thought has gotten me through more hardships than ANYTHING): other people have gone through this and so can you.
Later, down the road, you may see an upside to all of this, but it's hard to see the positive WHILE the house is burning... when you're not sure if the firemen will have enough water to put it out before it burns to the ground.
You are still that very talented, determined, gifted hockey player. You didn't quit. You didn't get beat. You got sidetracked due to circumstances beyond your control. That doesn't change what you are inside -- the guy that took God's gift and ran with it. You used the gift in the medium of hockey, but all the talent, gifts and instinct you talk about up there doesn't belong to the game of hockey. It's yours. It's in YOU, to apply to whatever you want......You talk of your hey day in hockey as if it were that valuable stone. The stone doesn't have anything to do with it, honey. The game of hockey didn't either. It's what's in the man and what he brought TO the game
This is excellent, Corri. It is essentially what I attempted to communicate to cac a while back, regarding his flying, although you said it better than I did.
IC and cac, hockey and flying didn't define you. You defined them.
IC, may you find a way to express the pent up emotions and pain of your losses.
}...I'm coming down the ice with the puck, you stand between me and your goalie...Corri, God gave me a gift - sure I nurtured it with hard work and practice, but it was a gift that would allow me to make a move around you that would leave you looking for your jock strap....or...I also had the drive, grit, and determination to go THROUGH you. Either way, it didn't matter to me!...I was coming - my will vs. yours...and there was NOTHING you could do to stop me - Nothing! From studying the game, your eyes, your body language...I knew what you were going to do before you did...you were at MY mercy, the game was at my mercy...it was a gift, and while it lasted, it felt good...but that's all over now.
] You are having appropriate emotions at the appropriate time about something of great magnitude. (I know I'm doing that judging thing that I told you not to do.)