As one major US holiday passes, and another holiday looms for most of us, and many anniversaries come up, I am seeing a lot of sad posts. This I understand. BUT [and there is so often a but]! What does disturb me is how many of you are stuck in 'victim mode' at this awful thing that has happened to you.
It is understandable to be sad, shocked and unhappy. It is absolutely not OK to be a victim - 'he is doing this for her and he never did this with me . . . ' etc etc. [please change personal prounouns as appropriate]
This attitude is not healthy. It is backward looking, self-pitying, and however understandable, it is stopping you from moving forward with your lives.
What is done is done. The thought of your h off with another person is hurtful, but don't wallow in the hurt. Rebuild your lives. It is your only hope. Time spent in regret [however understandable] is time and evergy that would better be spent on doing other things.
I am a great believer in mourning, but we have to acknowledge the pain and move forward.
If you were victims in the past, you allowed it. If you continue to be victims, you are allowing it. No-one is focring you to be a victim. It is a choice. We criticise our WAS for their choices, and I think we should criticise ourselves for our poor choices too.
Your spouse is EITHER in MLC which RCR says [and I agree] is a dis-ease, OR she/he is a b*stard. In MLC they do horrible things. These will hurt you. The trick is to not let it distort you, and your reactions to them or to others in your life. Easier said than done, but worth doing.
I am not claiming to have cracked this MLC thing at all. I still have days of great sadness, but there is no-one to blame or be angry with. Be positive, and think of the good in life. Out of suffering can come great good, but only if we allow it. We can be changed and strengthened by this.
You are dead right Angelica but a lot of us (me included) are not as strong as you.
I don't want to be a victim and yet very much fall into that category right now. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that throughout my life 'failure' has always been looked down on. Believe me that is one very high fence to jump over.
The looking backwards things is, I agree not healthy, but it is a source of great pain and it is the pain and not the things done that I for one am struggling so very hard with.
I'm not disagreeing with you here. Just pointing out that we each have to take a different path in order to arrive at the same place.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
we each have to take a different path in order to arrive at the same place.
ACJ, so very true. I know that so many people are in different places in their journey and those who are further ahead try to help. Sometimes people are forced to run down the path due to what the MLCr or the WAS is doing. Then there are the others that have a hard time plodding fast enough to stay ahead of a turtle. It just shows that this really isn't about us nor can we control much of this.
Being a victim isn't much fun. Somedays I feel like a victim, somedays I feel on top of the world. Somedays it is because of something to do with H, somedays it is because of nothing to do with H. Somedays it is because my horse or my dog didn't behave the way I was expecting. Somedays it is because my horse or my dog made me feel so good!
The really hard part for me is getting all the good pieces together enough at the same time that I can feel good the majority of the time. I've been getting a lot better at it but I have plenty of room for improvement.
