Better late than never?

[jon2911]

Hi all,
This forum has been a great help so far, I hope it's not too late. My wife filed for divorce August 21st, but hasn't served me papers yet. She's pushing me to file a waiver of service.

To make a long story short, she's had chronic migraine headaches for several years now. No treatments were effective, and we finally decided to try $20,000 surgery. This involved asking family and others for money, etc, and was incredibly stressful. Just before she left for surgery, she requested separation and divorce. I was floored, and life has been a living hell ever since. Things were tough, but I blamed the health problems, and didn't listen until it was too late.

Only through reading on this site have I started to understand the WAW Syndrome, how she was thinking about this for a long time, many of the mistakes I made in the marriage, and why everything I've done so far hasn't worked. Since reading Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting, I've been using the LRT tactics.

In my contact with her following surgery, she sounds very happy, the surgery worked, she has a whole new group of friends, new activities. About three weeks ago, she called me a few nights in a row with a headache, wondering if I could come take care of her. I told her I'd love to, but not unless her heart was changing. This was of course before coming here, when everyone was telling to stop comforting her in her decision, etc. It was very weird to me that she still wants to have sex through all this, but this site helped me with that as well. I spent the night with her two weeks ago, but have gone dark since then.

She tried to call twice last night, which was strange, we've been text and e-mail only. Today she called me at work crying, saying she feels terrible. She'll probably have to quit her job this week. It seems the headaches haven't gotten any better, maybe they never did? The point of her call was to ask me to file the waiver of service, that she doesn't have energy to nag me any more. I don't want to read more into it than that, but it seemed like a cry for help.

What she doesn't know is this: as part of my GAL I have a great new job, and added her to the benefits. I figured I could change it when the divorce goes through, but had no idea she was doing this poorly. How do I let her know this without seeming pushy? I'd rather tell her in person, and I just want to take care of her. Should I call after work?

Thanks for any advice, I've been trying to focus on myself lately, get a life and detach, but now I feel thrown for a loop. Fortunately people here understand what this feels like.

[jon2911]

OK, met with her briefly tonight, she didn't want me to come to her place because it's a mess, and she's feeling terrible. A little disappointed, because we've done dinner, a movie and sex a few times recently.

I told her about the benefits, she says I didn't need to add her. Interesting, when earlier in the day she was crying, throwing up and worried about losing her job and benefits. This is a rollercoaster I've become used to though, it's so important to her to feel independent, which is a lot of the deal with leaving me. She feels very embarrassed when admitting any needs and retracts quickly.

I also called the IRS today about some outstanding tax stuff, and made a step to schedule mediation. She asked about the waiver of service, and I said I'm working on it. Not sure what to do now, except keep DB'ing for myself.

I did tell her that if she needed me to come comfort her or rub her head, just call. I wasn't cool with that before unless our status changed, but this board and the DB and DR books have changed my mind somewhat. Hopefully I'm not misinterpreting that. Anyone have any thoughts?

[kml]

So sorry you are in this spot.

Just want to let you know - I met a FABULOUS headache specialist at a medical meeting (I'm a doctor) and I really really respect him. If I had migraines, he's the one I would see. He's in Miami,Florida - his name is Steve Wheeler, M.D. It might be worth it to send her to see him.

Short of being able to see him, she should be sure she has been screened for :
B12 deficiency
Thyroid disease
Celiac disease

Ellie

[jon2911]

Thanks kml.

I've been LRT'ing and GAL'ing like crazy this week, only talking with the W about business stuff. As hard as it is, I've really decided to detach and let her go, which also means I won't fight the D. I was about to schedule mediation, but she wanted to try and discuss things on our own first. We scheduled a meeting for Monday night.

Today, I had the following surprising text exchange:

W: would tonight work for you?
Me: No, busy, I'm sorry
(I didn't have firm plans, just some DB'ing in action)

W: Can u change your plans i'd really like to see you
(what? Very unexpected)
Me: OK, let me check, can we leave the business for Monday though?
W: K, wanna do dinner somewhere?
Me: K, what's your favorite place?
W: The Butcher Shop Steakhouse - West End. I have a coupon would you call to see if we need reservations? Around 7?
Me: Great! I'll call
W: Perfect thanks
Me: Want to go to the Galaxy drive-in?
W: Maybe let's wait and see
Me: Reservation made
W: Thanks, will you please bring the box of Christmas decor on the landing?


Funny, I was just reading the thread about rituals, and thinking how important Christmas decorating is to the wife, and that she might be feeling lonely.

My sitch is still very desperate, no indication that she's backing off from the D, but I've already seen some of these principles work, and am looking forward to a fun, relaxed evening. That my mention of the Galaxy drive-in didn't freak her out was surprising as well, it was one of our favorite places to go. Gotta love and old-time drive in movie.

Any advice is appreciated.

[jon2911]

Friday night went very well, nice dinner, watched Grey's Anatomy after and then talked until midnight. She said a few interesting things that didn't hit me until later. Why can't I think better on my feet?

1. She missed me and cried a lot over Thanksgiving, because this is the death of so many dreams. Asked me what dreams I had that involved her.
- this is the first time since separation she's said anything like this
2. Do I really want to get back together and be "that couple", when everyone knows so much about our problems?
- it kills me that it would embarrass her at this point to get back together, but maybe the statement means she's thinking about it?

On Sunday morning, she called and asked if I would come help her put a bed together. I told her I was busy until the evening, but would come then. My dinner plans went late, and I called to ask her if Monday would work. Received the following text message:

"Tonight was the last night you'll ever let me down. Congrats."

This sucks. I was trying to DB and GAL and not just run over there whenever she calls (like I want to), but I shouldn't have canceled plans. Ug. Talked with C on Monday morning, and he says there will be a lot of ups and downs to this, take it slow.

[jon2911]

We had "the meeting" on Tuesday night, talked about dividing up of stuff. It was awkward and painful. I had written up some of my dreams that involved her, and gave them to her. She seemed to appreciate it. I made her my offer, she said she'd get back with me. It involved splitting some of my student loans, and she doesn't like that. She doesn't want to do Mediation lawyers. Her parents went through a nasty divorce, and any thought of "involving someone else in our dirty laundry" is painful to her.

Leaving the restaurant, it really seemed over. I went to the gym for a couple hours, then tried to fall asleep. At 2:00 AM the phone rang, she begged me to come over, we ML and talked for a bit. I took a risk and said ILU, and she said "you know that I love you". I know, breaking the DB'ing rules, but it was a great time.

[jon2911]

I called on Thursday after work, to see if she wanted to watch a movie. She said "no thanks, I'm exhausted", then fell asleep and called me a couple hours later.

This was the first time I've initiated spending time together, and while I got turned down, it was in a pleasant way. Not sure what to make of that.

I'd sent her this text on Wednesday night, but no response:

M: Lauren, last night was one of the best nights of my life. It was so real, saying I love you and hearing it back, even if it was the last time. Thank you.


Today, I got this message:
W: what a sweet message thank you.
M: going out of town this weekend?
W: not sure yet
(she had told me she's either going to Houston, or a friend's coming here)
W: R u?
M: Yes, I'm making some plans, but let me know if you want to hang out
(this was risky, but I thought it was worth a shot)
W: Maybe Sunday afternoon/evening?
M: k, your place at 2?
W: Sounds good, may need to move it later, but not yet
M: K, have a great weekend, see you then
W: U too be careful

A little later she called to ask if I'd be free to help her pick something up at 3:00. Unfortunately (or fortunately, because it shows I have a life) I work until 5:00.


Still very confused about what this all could mean. It really doesn't seem like she wants to go through with the D, and maybe going dark, GAL, and a lot of the other stuff I've been doing over the last several months has been working? Then again, she may just want to meet on Sunday to talk more about the divorce. Who knows? But I'll definitely show up this time.

Fortunately I have some good GAL stuff this weekend: cigars tonight with a friend, brother's basketball game and a football game tomorrow, hanging with friends Sat. night, church Sunday, then hanging out with the wife. We'll see, any advice is appreciated.

[SirPrizeMe]

Cool that you are GALing. Keep it up!
Keep going! Don't ease up on the GAL!

Also, it seems good that you are not tooo available to her. Stay calm. Don't pursue. Don't jump when she beckons.

1. She missed me and cried a lot over Thanksgiving, because this is the death of so many dreams. Asked me what dreams I had that involved her.
- this is the first time since separation she's said anything like this
2. Do I really want to get back together and be "that couple", when everyone knows so much about our problems?
- it kills me that it would embarrass her at this point to get back together, but maybe the statement means she's thinking about it?

Dude, these seem like prime opportunities for you to really understand her feelings, really show empathy. Do not solve problems for her, just empathize. "Oh, I know, it's horrible feeling. Sometimes I feel that way, too"

Please try to not judge the feeling she has. "It kills me" you said. Try to just empathize, to just experience the feeling with her. She's feeling it, she needs you to recognize that feeling; validate that it is normal, ok, understandable.

Sorry, I haven't read all your thread, but if you ML, go to dinner, say ILU and she says ILU too, then .... why the D?

[jon2911]

Sorry, I haven't read all your thread, but if you ML, go to dinner, say ILU and she says ILU too, then .... why the D?

Well, like so many others on here, I just found out why. Now my life the last six months makes so much more sense.

I suspected there was OM involved, but didn't know the extent, and that he was advising her when we separated and when she filed. They didn't last long, but then there was another OM after that.

Things have changed a lot now, and she complains about the OM to me and how he's OCD and won't leave her alone or take no for an answer. (Of course, I feel like saying "what the hell did you expect?", but I'm very empathetic and validating). So much for the greener grass.

W is having a lot of trouble at work, and wants to find another job. Really, she just needs to take a break with how bad her migraines have become. This morning she said "I should just quit and do Ebay and Mary Kay". That's what I've been telling her for a while (she's amazing with that Ebay stuff), but to do that she'd need to be on my benefits. So there have been a lot of positive signs. She's really noticed my GAL'ing, said "I can't even picture you doing that". At the same time, she says she plans to find a job and move 3 hours away to Houston, so I still have a long way to go.

This morning we were in court over a car accident over two years ago, and we won! It's so strange, seeing as we might be in court soon under very different circumstances. I wonder if she thought about that?

So, I have to say I'm convinced. This DB stuff really works. I really need to get down to defining goals and putting more of these principles in action. The situation seemed so hopeless a couple months ago, I almost gave up.

For now, we're going dancing tonight, and camping next weekend. So excited, this has been some of the most fun we've ever had. No R talk at all, I'm staying away from flowers and gifts, but wondering if I should test the waters that way a little. Anyone have experience on that?

Tomorrow I'll spend a day praying and thinking about goals and post them here.

[cat03]

good luck Jon))) glad you are praying, the only way I get peace through my trials. About the gifts, if you want to test the waters you can start with a small bouquet of flowers, nothing too fancy and then wait (we are suckers for flowers )