Your posts have so much fight in them that I thought you would be one to to make. I am sad to hear that progress seems to be diminishing after all this time and work.
The only observation I can offer is that your posts read with a very distinct, and personally uncomfortable, combative counter play. I don't know if this is indicative of escalating anger building in your M or if this demeanor is an accepted norm for you and your H. Regardless, would it be worth trying to about face by flying the truce flag with you H while you are trying to prevent the M from dissolving? For example, maybe focus on a top 3 issues and let the rest slide for a while?
I don't know if these observations are of help or not. None the less, I wish you strength and luck in the days to come.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
I thought you'd like to know that I went to Al-anon yesterday. So you're nagging paid off! And thanks for the link, I've not had time to read throught it yet but I will.
I told H and the kids that I was going to an advent service at church. When I got back the kids were tucked up and asleep so I told H where I'd really been. He took it as a blow to himself of course. I explained it was for me, that the people there don't sit around moaning about their wives or husbands or mothers or fathers drinking and making it into a big pity party. They just support each other in helping themselves. He then proceeded to list all of the stuff he'd been up to that day, turning it into stuff he'd been doing "to support me". Finishing off with "so I've been doing all this stuff for you and you've been doing stuff for you".
We were sitting on the sofa and facing each other, I was holding his hand. So the tone of the conversation was very gentle, no confrontation. I asked him what he'd been doing for him. This is something I told him last week, that he has to make sure he does something for him every day. He said "I've been having lunch". (Woah!) I just nodded. Then I said we each have the responsibility to make sure our own tanks don't get depleted then we can focus on all the other things we have to do. He said "is that what you were doing today?" and I said yes.
Later on after we'd finished cleaning the kitchen together I gave him a hug. The temptation was very strong for me to say "I'm doing this as a last attempt to do something for us and not get divorced" but I stopped myself. I actually recognised that to say something like that would be to attempt to rescue him from his pain (pats self on back). It is what it is and he has to learn to deal with that by himself.
Tonight I will be out at the office Xmas party. I had several more rescuing thoughts before 9.00 am today regarding him picking the kids up and taking care of them, but I stopped them in their tracks.
(((Lil))) Thanks
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Thanks for your thoughts. I know I have been coming off as combative particularly in this thread. I am pretty much done I guess, some of the combative tone I use here is an effort to psych myself up to deal with things I know I need to deal with. In actual fact all of the recent interactions between H and me have been really calm and full of compassion for each other.
The fight has gone out of our M. Now I'm just focusing on me and the kids coming out of this with our sanity. If that means leaving it means leaving. But I haven't definitely settled on that yet.
Thanks for your good wishes.
Fran
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Brava, Fran!!! Wow. You are inspiring me-- I think I need to go back to alanon myself. Just that realization you had in the kitchen that you could hug him without verbally rescuing him from his pain was HUGE! I need to remember that.
I avoided going to alanon for a long time because I was afraid that I would see my future there: sad, broken people (women, mostly) moaning and groaning and telling their tales of woe. I was VERY surprised that it was not like that at all. Whenever I was in the room I just felt buoyed up on an ocean of love, even though I never spoke a word out loud. It's kind of like the feeling you wish you had in church: a loving community all pulling for each other and wishing each other well but with no meddling in each other's lives or anything.
Also my hat is off to you for telling your H that's where you went. I remember when I told my bf, it shocked him that I was taking his sitch and the R so seriously. It made him see the impact his drinking was having on me. One day when he was still drinking-- it was a Sunday afternoon and he came home from the grocery store and brought a bottle of wine. I took one look at it and said, "I have to go to a meeting," and bolted out the door. He lives within a couple of miles of the main AA center in the city. I just felt so scared and angry when I saw that bottle that I had to run to a safe place.
To quote Winston Churchill (and play off your thread title):
Quote:
Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
I'm quite well. H promised to give up drinking. I'm a bit happy, but I'll believe it when I see it. But of course he is already using it as a way to show me how controlling I am.
I hope you had a good Christmas, you and everyone else here of course.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Fran, if he has said he is going to give up drinking, watch yourself-- you must not say anything about it to him. Don't remind him or say anything if he drinks or comment on the supply of beer/liquor in the house, etc. If you do, then YOU automatically become the bad guy and the focus is OFF the liquor. He must face it alone. If you enter the picture, then you are the controlling one. If you say nothing, you can't be accused of controlling him (of course you CAN be and probably will be, but it won't make any sense even to him).
Yes it is a step in the right direction. We will see how it goes. I plan to continue with everything I had in mind to do to set myself on the road to dissolving this M. I am not just letting him buy time again. This is my time and the kids' time we are talking about and just saying "I'll give up drinking" is not the same as actually giving up drinking. I plan to continue attending al-anon. I plan to get myself in to teacher training so I can work term-time only. I plan to contact a lawyer and decided exactly what I am going to need to do financially etc.
Lil, I hear what you are saying about not reminding him. All I will say to him, I think, is to remind him that we promised we'd get through Christmas for the sake of the kids, grandparents etc (this was when we were talking about separating). Now Christmas is over we have to do what we're going to do. If he then says "but I've said I'm giving up drinking". I will say "words are words and actions are actions".
Happy New Year
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
