I just wanted to fill people in on the work party (black tie affair) that my friend invited me to attend to with him on Feb. 2nd. I accepted. Then he & I went to a college b-ball game together last night(our team won again, Yeah!) On the way home, I brought up the issue of just wanting to be friends and do as much things to GAL as possible. I told him that my parents would be at the casino also the whole night and that I will be going home with them after the party is through. I told him it is becuase I am true to my vows and I don't want others to think I am doing something that I am not. He was so totally understanding and supportive. He is still looking forward to bringing me and I know we will have a great time. He didn't seem to be hurt by it, so it was a relief to me. I know that many posters here told me not to go, and that this guy is not a gentlemen at all. But this is something that I feel I can go and do (and have a blast while I'm at it) that is not based on what my H will/would think. I am confident that this friend of mine will treat me with respect and understands that we are simply going together as friends. Now that he knows my intentions, I am looking forward to this evening (something new for me). Thanks for listening, TIPPER
I am glad you laid it out with your friend and can plan to go and have a good time. Still be aware and keep your eyes and ears open and alert for signals from him that his intentions are elsewhere.
Palgal, Thanks for your reply. I will keep a close watch on my friend, but I do feel he really understands where I am coming from (as he knows me and my H's sitch pretty well and the vulnerable state that I am in). Now that we have talked, my friend is supporting my decision to just stay as friends and he is ok with it. I have not talked face to face with my H since he left in mid-Dec. H is the one that is not contacting me, so I have no choice that i can not talk to him about my life and what I do everynight. I rarely stay home and sit around anymore, I am constantly out with one of my friends or family members doing something fun and exciting. I think of this work party as no different than any other night of the week that I am out doing things with people (other than the fact that I can get dolled up and have a wonderful feast and ball-for free!)To me this is just another part of GAL and FOCUSING on me. If I (very doubtfully) see or talk to H before our friends company work-party, I will kindly let him know that I am going to the work party - along with letting him know all of the other wonderful things I have been doing to move forward. I am thinking that I should probably call the in-laws ahead of time, so that if they hear about it they will not think that I am having some kind of an A. My In-laws know this friend that is taking me also, and I am sure they will understand that by no means is this any sort of A, just simply me needing to GAL. I do feel weird calling them though-since the last time I talked to his mom on the phone was christmas, and she said she would be keeping in touch & wants to set up a dinner night with me: but I have not heard back from her since. I guess I am assuming and thinking the worst: that she knows something that she does not want me to have to here about H - maybe OW/A. So I am fearful to call her because of this weird silence on her behalf, I have been putting it off, so that I don't have to take so much pain all at once. I do know that I love and respect his family, and that I wouldn't want them assuming anything that is not true, so I should probably suck it up and call her soon. TIPPER
Ok, on my way home from work today, I was on a major high way, and passed my H coming in the opposite direction. Across the median, we both caught each others glance. It was so weird, I could not believe that he even looked, yet he almost seemed to stare. When I got home he had been there while I was at work, and left me another note that was kind and he told me he took the dog for another walk, and thanked me again for my kindness, he then said to take care of myself. I just don't understand him at all. This is all like he is doing a complete 180 compared to the first time that he left me. He seems to genuinely show care and respect for me this time around, but still just tries to avoid me. The only conclusion I can come to is that maybe he doesn't have another women this time around. Last time he was going to see the same stripper girl at a club she worked at everynight, and he kept denying that there was anyone else until I found proof and went Dark. During that time, he was in total replay and was very much not himself. Now I can see parts of the good man I once knew and loved so much coming through, but he is still avoiding me. TIPPER
Last night I watched a wonderful video that I borrowed from the local library, called "The Hidden keys to loving Relationships" by: Gary Smalley. It was wonderful, and it coincides with all the things we learn here. It is a long series of videos. But I only watched tape #5 so far. I plan to watch more of them now, at least the ones that pertain to me and my sitch. Just wanted to let people know they are out there and they help. TIPPER
Just journaling: Last night was so great. My team and I won all 3 games at bowling in our position round, yeah! Then three of my girlfriends and I went to play board games (which I love) and later we went out to a new karioke bar that I have never been to. It was awesome. We all had drinks, and the 4 of us got up there and sang 3 different songs. I have a terrible voice, but I love to do karioke cuase it is so fun and thrilling. At one point in the evening, the DJ came onto the dance floor and started doing a very poor version of "the worm", so I got on the floor behind him and showed him how its really done. I am very flexible and took gymnastics and cheerleading for many years, so people always used to love to see me do it, and I haven't in a long time. It was so exhilerating, I feel like I am spreading my wings and rediscovering me agian. I told my girlfriends that I feel like I did when I was back in college (and was just dating my now H).I am an attention go-getter when I am confident in myself, and I lost that for years. I am Getting it back! TIPPER
What's the worm? I thought it was at the bottom of a tequila bottle! I haven't danced in years, H won't dance with me anymore even if it's a slow dance and 'required' for certain times. I want to take ballroom dancing but have to find a place that does that without partners.
Grace O & Palgal, Yeah we danced and sang and had a blast. My confidence is getting a little better everyday. When all of this first happened I could hardly look anyone straight in the eyes. Now that I know I tried so hard to reconcile with him and it simply was still not enough, it reassured me that all of this is a result of his own internal issues, and theres nothing I could or can do to fix it. We truely did have a wonderful M and wonderful fullfilling life togeter, and nothing in the world will ever make me think differently (even all of his negative talk and hurtfull things he is doing now will ever change my opinion of what we once had). I feel I can now open up to more people in a close and meaningfull way, and that I am actually getting stronger due to all of this. Every one I know has been telling me that they are so happy to see me doing/acting/being the real person that I am, and not letting this situation devastate me like it did after the first bomb hit. Many of my friends have told me that I am the first person that they have ever seen actually do what advice always says to do (which is to let go and detatch & still live life to its fullest) when most would just crumble and die inside. I am still very sad, but I know I will make it through this no matter what and that my life will forever be changed for the better. One of my closest girl friends wrote me a small note that said that "she admires me and the way I look at every situation in life, even the bad ones- and how I try to always find the good in each situation, and that I make her want to try and be a better person herself". I cried when I read it alone, it was very touching and uplifting.
The worm is a specific dance from the 1980's (break dancing move, I think), where you lay on the ground and push off your arms, toes, and stomach to inch along the floor up and down just like an inchworm. Crazy- I know, but very fun to do, and always gets laughs and good reactions out of others that watch it.
Palgal, if you want to take ballroom dancing, I strongely recommend it, there must be a place that offers it through an instructor instead of your partner. Look into it, I promise you would not regret it. I took three dance classes in college and they were so much fun and I will never forget the experience. My partner was a football player who really wasn't too interested in the whole class but it was a requirement. As the weeks went on, I could see him starting to actually like it. And one day at the end of the course, he actually told me that he loved it after all, and actually looked forward to coming and dancing with me, and was sad it was ending. It is SOOOOO worth it, try it. TIPPER
O.K., I got home from work today to find another note from my H that he had stopped by to walk the dog. This time however, he had obviously went through a lot of the rooms in the house trying to find things he needed or wanted. He put those things in a pile on our kitchen table and asked in the note if I would mind if he took that stuff for himself. I have no problem with any of it, other than the photo album his mom made for me when he and I got married (its of all of his childhood years). He probably doesn't even remember that it was a gift to me. He also asked if I could go to the cell phone store to divide up our bill permenantly. The phone was also a gift to me from him a couple of years ago. We have always split the bill. But it sounds to me like he wants me off of his plan for good. I am so hurt. These were things that were given to me as gifts, and now I need to give them back. I wrote him back a note for the next time he pops in, and said that I would split the phone bill up soon, and that he could have all the items on the table (including the photo album). This SUCKS!!! I think it is very rude of him, but I have no other choice than to follow through with these demands kindly. I read here sometimes how some of your H's still help with bills and $ situation, and my H could give two craps about my money situation and now is telling me I have to pay for the phone he gave me as a gift, AHHHHHHHHHH! I am so frustrated. TIPPER
