WOW, out of the blue my H calls me around noon today to ask if he could stop by to chat. This is the first time he has wanted to have any in-person contact with me since he left in mid-dec. I said ok.
He stayed for about 45 min. and was very very happy, chipper, and bubbly the whole time (all an act I am sure). He said he wanted to see how I was doing mostly. And his first question to me was "are you dating someone else, cuz if you are I will stop coming by to walk the dog so it is not awkward on anyone". I told him no that I am not seeing or dating anyone else. He said he would like it if I did and tried to move on (what a line of crap). He said he isn't dating anyone either, but he said he would like to and he will as soon as the right girl comes along. I didn't comment.
He said he was very happy with his choices and his life right now and that he loves his new freedom. He said he has made all new friends and that he loves them and they all love him and that their is no drama between them all. He said that while we were piecing he felt like we were both suffocating, and that he is enjoying not feeling that way anymore. I didn't comment.
He basically bragged about all the bigwigs in town (politicians and rich people that he has met) being his new buddies. And one of them asked him to join the Kiawana's club, so he has.
He said that he has joined a new band (something he has wanted to do for a very long time now) that was looking for a drummer in a newspaper add. He said they have been jamming a lot, and that the lead singer is a female who is really good. He said he likes most of the music that they play except for two songs. I told him I was happy for him.
He was thrilled for me when I told him I won the trip to the bahammas and he asked me who I was going to go with and I told him I asked my bestfriend Jenn. He was also happy to hear that I won the 400$ on the super bowl. He said he wanted the Patriots to win just becuase it would have broken the dolphins old record and that he hates the dolphins because it is our friends (the man who took me to the black tie affair) favorite team, what a cruel thing to say.
I asked him how his new business was going and he said that he is becoming apprehensive about it, and that his car lift is not working. Then he immediately changed the subject.
I told him that the gang and I are going out to a restuarant tonight to listen to a popular local band play, and he said he was also planning on going to it. He said he wouldn't go if I didn't want him too though. I said the choice is up to you and it wouldnt bother me if he went.
On his way out he said he would probably see me there tonight. Then he said "I want a hug", so i gave him one and walked him to the door and thanked him for stopping by.
I definitely feel like this was another tempurature check on his behalf, just like the phone call he made to me to chat a few weeks back. I think he is realizing that I am moving forward, and is a little curious of all the mystery I have created between us. He put up a good act that his life is great, but I am no dummy, and even if he is happy right now, I know that true bliss doesnt come from running from your problems and hurting others. TIPPER
Congrats on all your lucky wins! The Bahamas! how soon do you go? and you got $400 cash to spend while on that trip.
That new business of your H's, how does he expect to get new business if he's closed so much? Nothing more frustrating than going to a business that should be open and it's closed. Why are his parents thinking he is dangerous to you? has there been past experiences?
Good job in that conversation for keeping the door open for H to find his way back in.
Quote:
his first question to me was "are you dating someone else, cuz if you are I will stop coming by to walk the dog so it is not awkward on anyone".
You could have made him wonder a little by saying 'H, you don't have to stop coming by but just check first with me first!'
My bahamas trip is planned for Aug 1st, but my friend and I want to try and push it off till our Feb. break next year. My H was blown away when I told him I won the trip and at first he asked "who is taking me", but then he stopped himself and said "I mean, who are you planning to take with you". I think he is scared that I moved on into a relationship. Which I have not, but he never sees me so he is curious.
His business thing, yea - it doesnt seem to be going all too well. This is what scares me and his parents the most. We are afraid that his self esteem cant take another blow, and we are scared of what he would do if it flops.
My H has never been physically abusive to me, but extremely verbally abusive over the past 3 yrs or so. I think his parents were saying to protect myself, because nobody recognizes my H anymore, he is turned into a completely different person now that he has left again. Its like he is going off the deep end. At the same time they know he realizes how much he has hurt me and they are afraid that if he wants to try to end his pain, that he may figure it best to end mine also. I don't agree with them though, as my H has told me up and down that he would never hurt me.
Our night out went well. My group of friends and I started out at the local bowling alley to watch a smaller band play which we all like. Then, thankfully the group decided not to go to the place I told my H we were going to, and instead we went to a different bar to watch a band we never saw (they were great). I bet you anything my H went to the bar and expected to see me there. I am happy that we didn't go as this helps with my whole goal of creating mystery.
Thank you both for telling me I handeled the conversation well. I apprieciate it. And I realize I have learned so much from here on how to handel our contacts (though rare). The funny thing to me is that he is now the one pursuing me, when a year ago it was just the opposite. Also this visit seemed very much like a replay of his visits he made last year before he came back to me. Its like I know what to expect now, and much better how to handel it. TIPPER
I'm visiting your thread to ask if you would be my Solutions Buddy (I feel a little bit like a kindergartener here, looking for a bathroom buddy!). I've just come from sgctxok's Solutions Journal/Solutions Buddies thread and left a post. I am working on reading this thread but I just loved your Solutions Journal and have printed it out to read whenever I feel lost and full of despair (hmmm, not as often as I used to, at least).
Thanks for all your great tips.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
Thanks Fooled again, I would love to work with you on keeping ourselves more solution oriented. I am also very pleased to hear that you liked reading my soution journal. I am not even done with all my tips and pointers I have yet to type out. I will continue that when I get a chance in that same thread. As I have a lot of info that is about depression and I think that there is some things that arent as commonly seen posted here as much as stuff on MLC. TIPPER
Update: My H text me at 12:47 a.m. on Valentines day morning and said: "I know its terribly awkward, but I am probably going to stay in touch until its not welcomed, I am sorry". Then he text again @ 1:15 a.m. : "I feel like I am the only one communicating, it infuriates me, I apologize, but I think it sucks".
So finally I text him back @ 1:30 a.m. and said: "I am sorry you feel that way, but this is hard for me too, and I am doing my best to move on, I will always be your friend and you can always call me".
The next morning I got three more texts in a row around 7:00 a.m. that said: 1) I'm sorry I bothered you.I drank too much whisky last night. I wish you the best of everything. 2)Happy valentines day too! 3)Sorry to stiffle your day, just keep on keeping on. I am just a drunk, you are way better off with out me! you are very level headed".
So I text him back: "apology accepted, and Happy Valentines day to you too"!
Then this morning I woke up and got a voice message from him some time between 6:00 a.m. and 7:00 a.m. that said: "Do you remember a few summers back when we were all hanging out on several boats of our friends, and you sat in Tim's boat and caught that fish with him? well that was the first time I saw you really genuinely happy in a long time. It must mean something, so I am happy that you are moving on and doing well, and I just wanted to point that out".
What total crap, I was only happy cuz it was the first fish I caught since I was 12 yrs old and he is acting like I had an affair with this guy or wanted to or something. What the heck does he mean by all of this. This is also not the only time that he has brought this up and he said before that he thought that I liked Tim more than a freind which I do not & we hardly ever spoke to each other. My H has completely lost it. He is projecting his own low self esteem problems onto me. I did not respond to that message, as I feel it is just bull crap alligations that he is using to justify his reasoning for leaving me. UUUHHHHGGGG!!!!! TIPPER
T Hi Your H is confused If he is an alcoholic and in MLC he must be doubly confused You are doing well He seems like he says you need to move on, but he cant and maybe he is justifying his choices like Ive heard many do with you are better off without me but he cant leave Mine cant really leave either he is sober but still delusional basicly they wish they could move on into a new life, but something pulls them back maybe b/c they havnt really grieved this old life and M they think they can walk away..maybe freedom is nice for a while but what do they do with their feelings they stuff everything by drinking,running playing making friends all to fill up the hole and they end up in the same place stuck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace, Yeah, I totally agree with you, he is stuck and very confused. He wants me to let him go, but then when he thinks I really have, he freaks out and starts contacting me like crazy all of a sudden.
Update: My h text some of my/our other friends that friday that he left the wierd message about me being happily moved on with our friend tim. I don't know where he has even come up with this, cause tim and I never hang out alone, we only see each other with the whole group. He text tim and said that he has his blessing and that we will make a good couple. And he text another friend about it, and that freind asked him "what planet are you on" & said "they have no interest in each other". My H text that freind back and said "just wait and give it time, you'll see".
All my friends laughed there buts off when our friend told the group what my H was thinking. They all think my H has lost it completely, and find a lot of humour in this whole situation, as everyone else knows that tim and I are not compatable at all and have absolutely no interest in each other.
He also text me 7 more times yesterday. Text 1)= whats tj's #, I need to bury a hatchet - I responded with tj's # but said he hasn't hung out in over a month and good luck getting a hold of him cuz he is very busy with new job. Text 2)= I've seen him! thanx. Text 3)= Tj is probably contemplaiting his life, something that is long over due. - I didn't respond (but it drives me nuts that he still thinks that all of our friends are the ones with problems & not him). Text 4)=I want to pop in to the bar & watch our friends band play, I will not stay long and I will hang low, ok? - I text him back and said that I think he has the wrong night, cuz no one will be at the bar tonight, and if I see him its not big deal, and that I didn't even know what my plans were yet. Text 5)= well when is our friends band playing at bar? - I told him it is not untill next sat. night. Text 6)= OK, THANKS HUN! - what the heck is that all about. He had to purposefully taunt me by texting me "HUN", that is not a slip of words like I was assuming when he was calling me "Hun" on his last visit. Text 7)= FYI, I mailed your parents an offer on grandmas old house, whatever, it is just an offer. - Alright, I didn't respond but this one drove me even more nuts and here is why: Last year a month before he left me, we asked my parents if we could buy my deceased grandmother old house from her to fix it up and flip it. A week after we asked my rents, my H backed out of the deal. Then when he actually left me, and I had to sell the duplex that I owned and we were previously living in becuase I could not handel the payments and landlord it alone. Thats when I was actually considereing buying my grandmothers old house by myself and fixing it myself. when my H caught wind of this, he actually threatened me that if i bought it that he would have to burn it down. Now he wants to buy it off my parents, WTF!!! My parents even know about his threats from last summer, and they know his terrible financial situation, and his bad credit situation, and what he has done to me. Does he really think for one second that they would actually sell it to him, he is delusional to the max. He needs to be checked into a mental institute or something. My world is just spinning. TIPPER
My H text me this monday morning and said: "I am giving up on the shop due to management issues".
I text him back and said: "Oh no! are you ok, will you be allright, i am home now and all week if you need someone to talk to, I am so sorry!"
An hour later he text me back: "talk later".
Then a minute later he calls me and says: "that he is fine and he will be ok and he doesnt want me to be worriing about him. He said he will just go back to doing roofing. He said it is a judgement call on his behalf because things were not working out well between him and the owner of the building he was renting the shop from. He asked how I was doing and I said good and that I am happy to have this week off. He said he is now looking for a house to buy so he can stop renting the dumphole he is in.He said he would talk to me soon."
I am scared for my H. He put his heart and soul and a lot of $ into this new shop, and now it was all a big waste. He is acting like he was fine, and even sounded like he was fine on the phone, but I know it really probably hasn't hit him fully yet. This shop was the reason he gave me for leaving me the second time around.
I hope so bad that he will be ok, and that he will not do anything crazy/unhealthy to hurt himself, but all I can do is pray. TIPPER
