time for honesty & truth for a new beginning pt 3

[phbear316]

Gosh, locked another one

[phbear316]

oops, sorry had to jump off, h was in the room.

Need to link my other post, have to try again, just can't get that down LOL cause i am a silly old bear

What i wanted to post was

i find therapy so draining, when i came home last night, I just sat down and started to read the paper. H was supposed to be home, said he would be but was not. I had absolutely no ambition to cook anything, so i did not. I would have had a bowl of cereal for dinner if it was up to me. H comes home like 45 minutes later and says oh, lets go out to eat. Fine i say. Stand up and get my coat, h says your not going to change? (still in office work clothes) No i said don't feel like it, lets just go. We go h asks what do you feel like chinese? diner? I said no to chinese had it for lunch, go to the diner if you want a beer i said, H takes a deep breath and says tell me what you want, i said fine, go to the mexican place, i could go for that. I feel i was very detached in this situation and thats what i need to do with him

We go we eat, nothing significant in conversation, work related. We leave h just drives around, we go for coffee. Then home. H immediately falls asleep on the couch, don't even think his head hit the arm rest before he was out. I go off to bed, hrs later his phone rings and wakes me up. I get up anyway to use bathroom, h starts talking. I am playing with the cat, i said to h, uumm, those are for you, you do know that. H says yea i do. Ok i say. (presents under the tree)

Also yesterday h tell me he has to go pick up a truck for work, i say well isn't odyssey closed on sat? Yes he says but its not there at another place, Oh, is my reply. H states his boss is going to drive him up there, and he will drive the truck back. Do i believe this for one minute, absolutely not, h is going to see her. She lives right out in that area. So if part of the story is true and he is going to get truck, he will not be right back, as he claims. I see right thru his story its like swiss cheese. Now i did not believe his boss was going to call, but guess what he did. But i know he will not be right back.

I also found in his suitcase a receipt for a coach bag he bought in florida. I scanned the document and put it away, for i don't like coach stuff and i did not get any coach stuff. In fact have gotten nothing from h for xmas, but its ok.

I am trying my best to detach with him, but I don't know if its me if i am supposed to feel this way, but it makes me feel so down and sad doing this.

I also am not initiating anything with him, i have noticed since his return h comes to me for hugs and when he left just now kissed me on the cheek goodbye. What this means to him i don't know, i am trying my best to give him his space, and to give me some to.

Well i am off to take a walk, i have not been to the gym all week, due to it being closed m,t,w, and i just did not go the other days, the sun is now out it has stopped raining so i am off to put my sneakers on and go to the town field to use the new track that my tax money paid for (lol) No really is nice, easy on the feet to walk on. 4 laps is a mile of to do 8!

hugs
phbear

[JennyF]

Hey Bear,
Hope your walk went well.
Sounds like it's been easier to detach since your H has been home. YES, it is normal for this to make you feel sad and down. I think it wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel that way. But just remember that hopefully he will feel you detaching, that is what will get his wheels turning.

The holidays are almost over and I think that we will all breath a sigh of relief when they are.

Try not to let the Coach thing bug you...you will think it to death and it will do you know good.

I personally am going to start the new year by re-reading DR so I can stay focused on the ACTIONS that are going to work for me. I need to renew my commitment to this. I KNOW that to give myself the best odds for reconciliation with my H I need to follow the LRT and the other tactics the best I can...so hopefully rereading them will give me a fresh start approach.

I think that since your H is still in the house...you're in a good position to do some serious DB'ing. Also, you've got some small wins to bank on, like the kiss on the cheek. I would give anything for some of these signs...I don't have anything even remotely close.
Focus on your positives, there are definitely some there!
J~

[phbear316]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1298071&page=5#Post1298071


Ok, still have no idea why i cannot add my past posts, Oh well

Jenny walk was good, nice weather, sunny and like 50 degrees, felt good to get back out for some exercise.

I don't think is easier for me to detach since his return, i feel its harder, but i have to start doing this, i have to start letting go of him, let him do what he needs to do. It does not make me happy, because i know letting him do what he wants to do means time with her.

I have a funny feeling when he returns from getting the " truck" which really means he is going for a f*&ck". He will want to go shopping, I feel he is feeling guilty about nothing for me. What i want to do, is not like a single thing, not allow him to buy anything for me. Am i wrong for this? I have said i did not want any gifts from him, the gift i want from him right now, he cannot give to me, not right now. Now some may say i am wrong, let him buy him stuff, but i just don't feel the meaning of it.

No, Jenny i cannot let the coach thing get to me, and i will not, because you know what, i don't like coach items. Do i own a coach item, yes a small clutch and i do like it but I love Brighton stuff, I would be more hurt if he got her something from there, would be just a personal insult, he can get her coach cr*p, i will continue to get my beautiful brighton stuff, and add on to, with jewerly and other items, Oh summer bags will be out soon LOL. NO OFFENSE TO COACH LOVERS, just not my style.

One day at a time, have been thinking about new years resolutions also, That is a good one reading db again, I also have joel osteens new book to read also. I want to start journaling also. Never been good at new years resolutions, so have to start sometime, and keep some, Figures reading is not so bad since i like to so much of it. LOL.

hugs
bear

[phbear316]

Oh jenny

I feel the negatives of late are out weighing the positives as of late, but i am thankful for them, small as they are, And i would give anything to have the two miracles that you have in your life.

I cannot wait for the holidays to be over, I want this tree down this weekend, the needles are dropping like crazy and its making me crazy, i found some in my bed this am because of the cat. LOL

If h is not around tomorrow i will take it down my self, should have taken it down while he was away, could not stand looking at it.

bear

[Jeanette1120]

bear....

So did he open the gifts or not?

I don't understand why he feels the need to explain or lie to you about each converstation he has.

A coach bag hmmmm? Thats a very expensive gift YOU bought someone.

Next time he comes home and you've not cooked anything and would be happy with a bowl of cereal DO JUST THAT!

Don't you find it a bit uncomfortable to go out and eat with him? Yes, I understand the spending of time and all.....but still, it has to be uncomfortable for you.

Go ahead and take the tree down, get it all out of the way. God will understand your need to do this.

Hugs

Jeanette

[phbear316]

Jeanette

Hi

No, gifts are still unopened under the tree. I knew it, when he got home after 330, he said, i want to go out to sports authority to get you a gym bag, that i could not get before i left. I went and did what i said, kept telling him, i don't know, don't like the color. We then went to eat, and went to two other stores. I would not commit to any bag, kept doing the dance, size, color, etc. Oh and when we were by the mall, h said do you want to go in and look for things for you. My reply, no, too crowded.

We get home and he jumps on line to look at a bag he liked and thought i would like. H is on spare room on computer, i went into room to bring him something, and he says i'm looking at this bag. Pretended i did not hear him. Well 20 minutes later he comes out with the laptop with a bag he wants me to look at. I still would not agree to liking it. I said i have to see if it will fit in the lockers at the gym, i have to see. H goes ahead and orders one, for me and one for him.

What is this man thinking? GUILT is thinking right now for him. What i truly want from him for christmas he cannot give to me right now, so i would rather get nothing.

I will wait for the bag to arrive, try and and say it does not fit in the lockers at the gym so it has to be returned. Am i wrong with that or right. I did not want a new bag, i am content with the canvas tote i use. Why he thought this was a good idea is beyond me.

As far as the going out, not i don't feel uncomfortable, i still do enjoy the time, I did notice tonight, i was not very talkative, with him just ate and let him do all the talking.

I will most likely do that with the no dinner thing. I just was foggy and drained from therapy, and i really did want mexican food, i agreed to go. I know i did say i would have been content with cereal, but you know what friday i just did not have the energy in me to even make the bowl of cereal. I wanted someone else to do it for me. I know that is odd but just the way i felt last night when i think about it today.

Well, one positive out of this past week of yuck, and sadness, i lost 3 pounds, can you believe it? i cannot believe it, with all the yummy snacks and treats around i still managed to lose weight, but now i realize as i type this my stomach has been a wreck this week so that did not help or helped to much if you get what i mean. LOL

Oh one other thing h says to me, oh you wow you look good, are those new jeans, I say thanks but no, same pair that is falling off me just using the belt to keep them away from my ankles. Then he says as we are leaving, haven't you found any new jeans or other clothes to wear, i like no. Hard very in between sizes, hard to find things that fit well. Oh he says, well we will have to look for somethings for you. HUH?

I know i have expensive taste right coach bag, and you know that is beginning to annoy me, gosh i don't like coach please don't spend my money in a place i don't like. LOL just being sarcastic tonight, benadryl talking, having a reaction from chinese food, I think i used tongs at buffett that touched shrimp, and its kicking up my allergy.

I will see about the tree tomorrow shall see how my mood is, i want go to church, and see if my mom and dad are still home, they were going to the shore for new years and AC for new years day. Oh and i am still waiting for him to tell me he is going out monday night with her. Oh i am 100000% convinced he is. And i know when the snake is going to tell me at work on monday, it will be another one of those calls at work with this is my plan for the night, like the wedding phone call. My plan in my head is to hang up on him after he tell me. Why keep discussing it , why keep talking to you, there is no talking to you right now.

When is your son home? and how are you feeling ok i hope and pray.

Hugs
bear

[sgctxok]

Excellent job on MNs thread.

[phbear316]

SG

Wow, thanks for the compliment.

I have occasionally been reading his stitch, and he has me worried, my ems provider warning light went on with his stitch, for some reason i felt/feel a strong connection with him, due to the fact i have had those same feelings. I just felt i had to reach out to him, like so many have done for me here, to let him know he has a friend.

hugs
bear

[ediemarie]

Hi Bear!

No, gifts are still unopened under the tree.

WOW! Guilty much, H? He can't even bear to open them. crazy kid.

Hey, about the gym bag - can you just tell him out right that in light of things in your relationship you would really prefer NOT to keep the bag. I know that may spark a huge R talk, which you wouldn't want, but could you say it a nice way? (I think I would struggle with saying it kindly, which is why I ask.) But I think this is a good opportunity for you to set a boundary with H. It's not ok for him to buy a coach bag for another woman and then turn around and get you a gym bag, as an after thought (is this the year of bags? lol). You don't want the bag anyway, why not face it head on and let him know that you don't want the bag BECAUSE it's an afterthought. That may be a 180 for you.

Thoughts and hugs coming your way!
Em