I have solid information that my husband (after 3 years) has ended his emotional affair. We do not talk about our relationship or the one he's ending. We have great, casual encounters with our family and kids - hugs, pecks, etc. All good. I know he needs a friend but I think he feels he'll hurt me if he opens up right now. I felt moved to send him an email just now that said we love you and I am here for you. He works with the woman and I'm sure he's suffering - plus guilt of his actions, etc. I know I can be the friend he needs if he would feel safe opening up. Any advice???
Me: 41 H: 50 M: 15 years S14-D12-D10 S: 05/07 Back home: 08/08 EA: 4 yrs
I think the mail was a perfect way to start. Just don't push for any discussion. Let him open up when he's ready. In the meantime take care of yourself and your kids.
If that R has indeed ended then yes, he'll need time to recover. I don't recommend being a shoulder to cry on, however, as it's not your job to soothe him after his infidelity.
That, however, is just my opinion. You want to be strong for him but you don't want him to have any delusions about what you want your relationship to be with him (unless you have decided to simply remain friends).
A short while ago my wife was crying and apologized stating that she had a lot of baggage to work through. I told her that I understand and that was about it. I was not judgemental but I also did not ask her if there was anything I could do to help her work through the pain of losing the OM.
I don't know if this is proper but in my mind it is.
Last edited by Michael Mc C; 01/03/0809:48 PM.
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
I think being a good listener and showing general care and concern without asking questions about her or their relationship would be a safe way to do this. I'd probably try to allow a slow comfortable friendship to develop, and possibly at some point he'll feel comfortable enough to talk about this. But if not, just working towards filling in that emotional space she's leaving would be a good way to build a closer marriage.
Good luck to you!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks running - and michael - Running - saw your question on the other forum. It appears the affair just ended. I know he's been doubting for months that she would leave her husband. I saw a text message around christmas where he accused her of lying to him and him admitting he's the biggest fool in the world. His closest friend told me he hates her now. He has only said to me that he needs to get out of his workplace with "urgency" and that it's "not healthy for him to be there." I don't ask questions, other than career related. I very much want our repair to begin, but I know I'll probably have to wait even more months for him to get over this thing. He is getting medical help for depression and counceling - all good things. AHHH - I'm tired of being only the kind listener, but my gut tells me you are both right. I am taking care of myself and having lots of fun with friends!
Me: 41 H: 50 M: 15 years S14-D12-D10 S: 05/07 Back home: 08/08 EA: 4 yrs
I am taking care of myself and having lots of fun with friends!
Also sooooo important!!! Your H, even though he seemed to have ended the A, still betrayed you. You are entitled to your feelings of hurt. But unfortunately, this is not the time to show your feelings. He knows your feelings. He is afraid of them. There will be time in the future to work through those together.
I would support him leaving his job. If he is trying to make changes, that is good.
