My WAW has expressed interest in DR for the first time since I bought it about a month ago. I'm still having a hard time with some things. One question in particular...
We've been married 11 years. Three kids. We both admit that there never was any real passion. Things were ok sometimes, but never great. We agree that we sort of went through our marriage just as friends. She's admitted that even at the very beginning, there really wasn't anything there as far as passion and connectedness. Her worry is, that if there never was, how can there ever be? What do I tell her? We are not just trying to rekindle an old flame. We are trying to find one that never existed.
I on the other hand over recent years have fallen in love with her. I've made significant changes. However I feel they may have been to late. I some how need to connect with her, and for her to realise that a connection is possible. How do I make some one fall in love with me that never was in love with me?
She is not in a position to put forth much effort into it. How do I tell her that even though she never had those feelings for me that if certain things are tried, that it is possible. What are those things, and what do I tell her she can do, what we both can do?
I want you to know that your situation is not uncommon. Not everyone had a hot and heavy beginning. But obviously there was enough there to have a life together and a family together. There are lots of things to do, to bring passion into the bedroom. I suggest you talk to one of our coaches that deals with sexual issues in relationships. They are experts at coming up with a plan to rekindle (or kindle!) a sexual relationship. Best of luck to you.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
thanks so much Karen, but this is far past the bedroom. This is not about sex right now. She specifically asked me how we can fall in love when we've never been in love. How do we save this marriage? There is info out there for couples who have fallen out of love. But there really is not much there for a spouse who has never been in love period. I realise that there are things I can do to help her begin to have a new perception of me. But what can I tell her to do in the mean time while I work on myself? She is unwilling to do counsiling or anything like that at this time.
This is the first time she's asked me what she can do. I don't want to screw this up. I want a solid answer for her. One that she'll understand, and take into consideration. I keep telling her that I believe we can work it out. But this is unattainable for her. She can't grasp it because she sees no hope. She sees no way. What can she do while I DB?
thanks so much Karen, but this is far past the bedroom. This is not about sex right now. She specifically asked me how we can fall in love when we've never been in love. How do we save this marriage? There is info out there for couples who have fallen out of love. But there really is not much there for a spouse who has never been in love period. I realise that there are things I can do to help her begin to have a new perception of me. But what can I tell her to do in the mean time while I work on myself? She is unwilling to do counsiling or anything like that at this time.
This is the first time she's asked me what she can do. I don't want to screw this up. I want a solid answer for her. One that she'll understand, and take into consideration. I keep telling her that I believe we can work it out. But this is unattainable for her. She can't grasp it because she sees no hope. She sees no way. What can she do while I DB?
I saw you rec. Mort Fertel's site and I looked and this seems very interesting. Do you or does anyone else have any experience with his Marriage Tele-Boot Camp Seminar? I like that he is of the same opinion as Michele, that ONE spouse can make and institute changes in the marriage that will prompt the other spouse to take notice. I am seriously considering his boot camp but would like some opinions if anyone can share any about his program.
Thanks!!!!
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I saw you rec. Mort Fertel's site and I looked and this seems very interesting. Do you or does anyone else have any experience with his Marriage Tele-Boot Camp Seminar? I like that he is of the same opinion as Michele, that ONE spouse can make and institute changes in the marriage that will prompt the other spouse to take notice. I am seriously considering his boot camp but would like some opinions if anyone can share any about his program.
Thanks!!!!
Hi mmb!
My H and I are doing the Marriage Tele-Boot Camp seminar right now. There are several folks on it who are doing the "Lone Ranger Track." Mort Fertel really breaks down what you need to do build up the love in your marriage and how to engage your spouse to create real connection.
Feel free to message me if you like!
ntl
Me: 30 H: 32 Dating 10/96 Married 8/01 H PA's: Summer 97, 12/06, 5/07-10/23/07 My Saga
NTL- Thanks for the input. I think I will give his program a try. Yes the investment is going to be tough to swing right now but I will come up with it somehow since my mariage is worth the effort and expense.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
My first piece of advice would be to stop catering to her negative comments.
When couples are feeling hopeless, particularly the person who wants out, there is a lot of negative perspective on your history together. Walk away spouses say things like "I don't love you anymore" and "I never was in love with you" and "how can we fall in love again if we never were to begin with."
First, people fall in love with little to nohistory together ALL the TIME. How do you think love comes to life to begin with? The idea that you can never fall in love with someone who you weren't in love wiht before is prepostorous. If everyone has to have a romantic history together or they wont connect how did anyone get connected the FIRST time?
Don't cater to this ridiculous reasoning. Its just hopelessness talking. DR has a very powerful point in it by michele saying "Don't listen to anything your spouse says that's negative" Paraphrasing, but her point is that you can't cater to her hopelessness. YOU have to be HOPE FOR HER right now, don't nod when she says something negative, and DON"T argue with her or agree. Just be hopeful and SHOW it. Don't get into those silly conversations.
When she's hopeless just tell her you love her and that you will do everything it takes to get the two of you back on track. THAT will make HER feel more hopeful.
Acknowlege her pain, support her through that, but DON'T cater to the negative perspective and enable it. BELIEVE you CAN get somewhere with her. YOu MUST have had passion at some point or you would'nt have gotten this far. Just help her find that again. Don't agree with her it wasn't there, you are just aggravating her sense of hopelessness.
Read DR again, i had to read it several times before it started to sink in.
This story is exactly the same as mine. My wife dropped the bomb 4 weeks ago that she was never in love with me. I said we can try to get help but she asked how do you fall in love if you have never been in love. That is one tough question to answer. I think my wife has now resigned herself to the fact that we have no future. We are still good friends and we talk and laugh (on my part it is a struggle but trying to follow the advice of DB) I am not sure how I can help her make a connection that was never there. If you have found the answer we need please let me know.
