I have not been on in a while because I have been dealing with health issues for over a month now. In short, I have been going through extreme chest pain and all the resulting medical process to diagnose the problem . Keeping this on topic with SSM, my question is:
Is a life or death health struggle a gold standard measure for the strength of a marriage?
To summarize, I fell ill with extreme chest pain and fever right after X-mas. At first, my W was my biggest champion and really stood out as a devoted member of the team. For example, she was by my side during every ER visit and hospital stay, and stayed up nights to comfort me while I was suffering in pain. Via process of elimination, my teams of doctors ruled out cardiac distress and concluded that I have a viral infection of the chest wall with the added bonus of heavy inflammation. After a few weeks of meds and rest, I started to improve. In fact, I went back to work and resumed partial activities.
As if one trial were not enough, my mother-in-law because ill and needed bypass surgery. It is a complicated situation to explain, but of the three siblings, my W was the only child to answer the call and offer to fly out of state to go to her mother's aid. MIL made it through the surgery fine and was released home on schedule. My W has been there with her M since.
Then, the twist: I took an unexpected turn for the worse. During an afternoon work meeting, I buckled over in excruciating pain. I left work, drove home, and made an appointment with my doctor for the very next day. To cut to it, I drove myself to my doctor's office, he shot me with some meds, and called an ambulance to have me transported to the ER immediately. I will spare the details other than to say that I was in pretty bad shape. Still doped on two drips of a morphine equivalent, I text messaged both my wife and mother, each of them thousands of miles away from me, and let them know what was going on. My mother boarded the very next flight and was by my side the next morning. My wife on the other hand, called several times to tell me she would be thinking of me and wished me well.
So, here is the crux of my dilemma. Yes, my MIL was recovering from a serious procedure. Though, during that time, I was hospitalized twice, underwent surgery, suffered a great deal, and spent many very turbulent touch-and-go evenings with no one but my mother lying on couch next to me. No, I never asked my wife to find another sibling to fill in for caring for their mother so that my wife could come home to me. However, I did not think it should be my place to ask. Now, I find myself very bitter and angry with my W. Though, I am not sure if I really have a right to feel this way.
Stepping back to 3rd person, my W was selflessly taking care of her sick mother and my mother and friends were taking care of me. All critical needs were being taken care of. None the less, I find myself very hurt that I could have taken my final breaths without my wife holding my hand. I am afraid this fact might be a trust issue to really challenge the strength of our M from here out. Can any one offer perspective or feedback?
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
First, I'm sorry you went through such a difficult time - that must have been very scary.
As for the question of whether W should have been there - she was in a pretty tough spot. After all, when she left, your diagnosis was pleurisy - painful but not serious. (I'm guessing that this diagnosis changed with your second hospitalization?). Meanwhile, her mother was recovering from a life-threatening condition.
If I was in a similar spot, and knew that my H's mother was there taking good care of him, while no one else would step up to the plate to care for my mom? It would be a tough decision.
So - I guess what I'm saying is, trying to second-guess that decision now probably isn't fair.
On the other hand - I doubt you'd even be asking this question if everything else was right in the R - correct? So, what was happening with you two BEFORE you got sick? How were things this past fall?
I do believe that you need to do some serious thinking about your marriage. I do believe that your anger and resentment towards your wife in this situation is justified. In marriage, you are to eleveate your spouse to a position that is second only to GOD, and everyone else, including parents, children relataives etc. are to come THIRD, and when faced with choosing on over the other, the spouse should ALWAYS come ahead of mother.
So sorry to hear about your illness. That sounds very scary. Have you talked to your W about how you felt she handled the situation? And have you told her how upset you are feeling? Simmering with unspoken resentment will not help anything. And I think kml makes a good point: would you be this upset about what happened if you already weren't resentful of other issues in the M? Maybe this was just the last straw so to speak? Hope you are feeling better.
I think my W sensed how upset I am after our brief conversation last night as she called very early this morning. LFL, I took your advice and told her point blank how I feel about her absence during this whole thing. I explained that I understand and respect her devotion to her mother, but that as her Husband, I would expect a degree of reconsidering priorities.
My W asked me what I want her to do. I know this is a bit selfish, but I said that if I relapse next week and end up hospitalized in a life-threatening situation again, I would really appreciate it if she would come home. Specifically, that would mean my W would have to undertake the unpleasant task of asking one of the other two sisters to come and take over care of her mom. My W responded, "Of course, just ask me to come home and I will". I don't know if it is the steroids or the Percocet, but I snapped back, "No, I am not asking you to make value judgments, nor am I going to "ask" you to come home. You need to make your own decisions as to what is important here."
Currently, I am stable and actually improving. Test results as of yesterday offered a huge sigh of relief in that the life-threatening concern is under control. In fact, I begin physical therapy today. Though, the next few weeks are really not guaranteed. I am optimistic and will do everything I can. Though, if there is a downturn and my W does not come home, especially after our point-blank conversation on the topic, well, then my W and I will be having a completely different discussion.
cemar2, I think you pegged it. This was partially a test of who is higher on the priority list, mother or husband. That kind of comparison is a very treacherous road to start digging up and not always one with common agreement or a warm and fuzzy outcome. For example, my MIL is 70 now, so this might be the last time my W has an opportunity to really be there for her M in such a significant way. I can understand why that is important for my W. Plus, I can actually accept that I am prioritized behind the woman that brought my W into this world. I just need to feel that my W's love and devotion for me ranks somewhere high on that priority list.
KML: Great thoughts and insight. Yes, it is a tough situation indeed. Plus, yes, I think my W's past behaviors are part of the reason I am so upset here. To be blunt, my W is a very self-centered woman who just does not know how to think much past things that immediately impact her. I know that sounds harsh, but I often feel like I am just the caretaker, checkbook, and protector. The only way to address those feelings has been several years of MC now. During that MC, I have learned that I have to come out and ask for nearly everything I want very directly and explicitly. Ack..now I am pissing and moaning that I did not find a more sensitive gal again.
Thanks to all for the well wishes and feedback.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
Husbands really should not be at the same level of importance in a womans life as parents or children. She did not make ANY vows in front of God to any of them. That should put you at a level ABOVE all others in her life. Granted, she may be thinking that your going to survive and her Mom is not, and this could cloud the situation. But she has seen her Mom, and she could get other family members to pick up the slack and come back to you.
You make it sound so clear cut and easy. It's NOT! I've got aging parents in Florida with my dad being in a nursing home and is on borrowed time. Then I'm faced with IC and his cancer. I know where my priorities lie, but please don't make it out that Brian's wife is a thoughtless or non-caring person for her choice...it's hard!!! It's a constant weight on my mind when I'm away from either IC or my dad.
Brian, I'm sorry about your condition and I agree with some of the other posters on here. What else is going on in your marriage that would make her feel that way? I don't know how she is acting, but I can imagine that she is possibly torn and confused as to where she should be...it's a tough situation for all.
So I'm curious...if the roles were reversed and Brian stayed with his mother while his wife was hospitalized twice, underwent surgery and spent many turbulent touch-an-go evenings without her husband, how much understanding would he get? What advice would he be given?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I can't judge without knowing the diagnosis. I'd stay with the person more likely to die on me and the person less able to fend for him/herself and no other people to take care of him/her.
The fact that your mother came doesn't count because she had no one else in a life threatening condition to care for. If she'd had to chose between you and one of your siblings, both in serious condition, she would probably have gone to the one that best fit the criteria I outlined above.
Your wife may have thought that since your mother was there your critical needs were covered.
SG, what if you were in Brian's shoes rather than in his W's shoes? If you'd been hospitalized twice and had surgery and many dicey nights without your H, who was caring for his seriously ill mother instead, how would you be with that?
Would you understand, because your H's siblings had been more reluctant to tend to his mom than he was? Or perhaps it's really not that huge an issue to you if your H is or isn't with you while you'd be going thru that type of ordeal?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
