sgctxok....I'm listening.....

[faithisbelieving]

For the first time in 2 years...outside of being placed in an inspirational post 1 1/2 years ago.....a divorcebusting moderator has posted here.

sgctxok....you posted that divorce is an option...for those at the end or when their spouse leaves....I am open, if you are up to the challenge, to post your thoughts here...because my filing requires me to go forward by this week.

No moderator has ever posted to me otherwise.

I am listening.

FIB

[Jeff223]

Dear DBers....

I love that you all care about each other so much and have strong feelings coming from your experiences.

The point of this board is to help each other by brainstorming solutions related to techniques described in DIVORCE REMEDY and DIVORCE BUSTING and to help each other save their marriages as best we can.

A strategy that includes filing for divorce does NOT fall in line with that.

Of course, if someone is at the point that they have given all they can, are too broken down, or their spouse has left them....we support them and help them heal as best we can.


This board has a purpose.


With that in mind.......


What are some ways our friend can 'BEGIN WITH THE MIND OF A BEGINNER?'
_________________________
sg

I pasted this here from your last thread.

This is a timely post since heated discussions concerning emotional topics can actually hurt FIB rather than help.

Time to get away from the trees so we can look at the forest. I believe that is what was meant by "What are some ways our friend can 'BEGIN WITH THE MIND OF A BEGINNER'?"

I will let FIB talk for himself but I do NOT believe that he filed for D as a "stratrgy" to DB his marriage. I do believe that he feels that he has done everything he could to save his M but all he has now is pain, not positive results. He was coming apart in an unhelathy situation and he had to do this.

So we help him heal. And part of that is brainstorming solutions for him. While saving the M may not be in the cards, FIB still needs to interact with his W for the rest of his life and he must co-parent with her should the D go through.

So, I will try to help along those lines FIB. I will never say that the divorce is right or wrong. I will instead focus on commenting about your progress on the road you choose to follow. I will try to point out the opportunities that exist with every barrier you come across. And yes, if I see an opportunity to save you M I will point it out but leave it to you to decide what to do.

One of my NUTS is that I will live in a way that will make me happy. I need no one's approval. I will choose my own world knowing that each moment I have the power to transform it and that only my own inner fears stand in my way.

Make that your term.

Strength and Honor.

[Bworl]

Our journeys are personal.

We have made and will continue to make hard decisions along the way. And other times those decisions will be made for us, even without our input. There's nothing pleasant or easy about any of this.

People of integrity try to remain true to themselves.

Not true to what YOU or I believe. No, they need only stay true to themselves.

We don't answer to each other, this board, our friends, our families....we can only answer to ourselves and our God. Because this journey is personal.


We all wish that every marriage could and would be saved. We all value marriage and believe very strongly in the lifetime commitment that it represents.


That doesn't mean that things don't change.


Jeff is really right about this in the end FIB. We don't ADVISE. We comment on your actions, offer our opinions about your decisions, and, if asked, perhaps share what WE think or would do. You can't pin your decision on any of us in the end, it's yours and yours alone. Most of we grown ups on this sight realize that. I give credit to FIB for being intelligent and self-aware enough that he's not hanging on my words, or anyone else's words for what to do with HIS life and family.


Like it or not, some marriages will not be saved. Being honest about a situation seems far more proper than trying to force someone into prolonging an unhealthy situation.


FIB is not using this as a DB'ing strategy. He's trying to move on with his life. He's trying to accept the fact that his wife doesn't care and won't try, has cheated on him numerous times, and he's just trying to find peace by moving on with his life.


I'm not sure why that's so terrible.


Seems incredibly healthy to me.


Blessings,

Bill

[palgal]

I was actually wondering why FIB's thread in particular was singled out as being non DBing. There is so often when someone has had enough and quits and the support is offered to go that direction. It's all over the boards but this one gets called out?

Now for a complete hijack - sgctxok or anyone else - I'll take any advice or thoughts on how would you DB when your live in WAS has run up $100,000 in debt in about 2 years, only comes home to sleep separate from me while he keeps his other address and utitily bill accounts all secret? ssshhh - he doesn't know I know.

[faithisbelieving]

Thanks Bill and Jeff. No...I didn't file because I wanted to apply pressure to her. No...I didn't file as 'a technique'. No...I didn't file as tough love.

I filed because no matter HOW MUCH I DB'd....my W continued to cross barriers while living under the same roof with me..the behavior was repetitive...the behavior was destructive..both emotionally and financially. My W didn't have one A...or one EA...or one PA...and then afterward, came back to me. She continued to do this, in a sense, even with my request for her not to....even telling her that to do so would cross a boundary I wasn't sure that I could forgive. Towards the end, I think it was beginning to affect my children and THAT is when I said I had had enough.

Thru this...I think we ALL will agree that people can make their own personal choices:
-to talk
-to express their feelings
-to offer hope
- to look inward and...accept SOME responsibility for their actions ( I include MYSELF in this statement lest anyone think I am heaping this on my W).

Even after filing, I have left open numerous doors for my W to approach and talk. I offered her an evening after the kids were asleep...I offered her the other morning a chance to say 'I don't want this'...even at yesterday, I told my W (and Jeff pointed out to me that I shouldn't say anything...but..just do what I want for ME)..that I was going to start packing my things. Am I leaving? No..but...divided, and with medicine the way it is...our house will fall. I needed to do this...FOR ME..to feel like I am departing soon, which, as this goes forward, emotionally I will be.

So, for clarity, I DO do what DB says. I leave her alone. I talk with her cordially and as necessary. If she talks to me about a show on TV, I respond. I laugh if something is funny. I do my thing. I don't chase her. I don't ask where she is going. No R anything now. I even wrote a long letter to her the other morning.

I tore it up. It would have done no good

Trust me. My W knows that I love/loved her. She knows that this is not my preference..heck...I've said this over and over and over. I've slowly let her know over time...even BEFORE filing...that without some help/work/IC/MC....this marriage was broken and dead.

I can't make my wife love me. I can't flip on any of her internal 'ON' switches.

But I DO KNOW that Mr. Hoyt...in the movie clip in my last post...has it right.

To sgctxok...thanks for your support.

FIB

[sgctxok]

I apologize if you have never been posted to. I have posted on MLC in the last two years, although not frequently.

Just for background information, moderators are basically volunteers who just check in and help out...we have other full-time jobs. All of our hearts are here....we have had our lives significantly changed by Michele and her work. So we are also very loyal. Unlike Michele and her coaches, we are not experts...

I started on Newcomers, mostly stayed on newcomers and only had moderating privileges on newcomers to begin with ( because I stayed on newcomers...its a cycle.). JJ is an IT manager in life and an Administrator on the board. He does soooooo much that is technical on the board, he doesn't have time to post. Sage is a fairly new mom, a professional and a student....so she's overwhelmed. Tia is a professional and very busy and that's all I know about her. Michele and her staff have been extremely busy relocating, writing and publishing a new book, and they have personal lives as well.

But you're right. That very thing drew me back into the boards. I had been ill in 2006 and very low energy....but when I checked in on the board, I saw there was very little input from moderators, and I jumped in.

So...blah blah blah. Down to the meat.


Next post.

[sgctxok]

I guess I'm doing this in pieces......:)

I love you guys....because you care...and you're willing to keep an open mind.


A strategy that includes filing for divorce does NOT fall in line with that.


FIB--
I didn't make it clear (sometimes I'm too brief)---I really didn't think this was your strategy....I just felt you were getting advice that this could/should be a strategy for you. I will never fault you for filing. I am divorced myself. Long before DB, from an abuser. I KNOW how painful divorce is. I know firsthand how hard it is on children, even if necessary. My kids are 20 and 15. They were 7 and 2 at the time. They still suffer the fallout.


He's trying to move on with his life. He's trying to accept the fact that his wife doesn't care and won't try, has cheated on him numerous times, and he's just trying to find peace by moving on with his life.


I'm not sure why that's so terrible.


Seems incredibly healthy to me

Peace is good. It may be the right thing.

[faithisbelieving]

Thank you for your time and response sgctxok. I am a moderator on another website totally unrelated to my job as well..with the same work and personal issues. I appreciate your time and effort. Many people may benefit from your input. Afterall, it is only the saga of one life....but mirrors all the people who have come here to save their M's. FIB

[sgctxok]

I have left open numerous doors for my W to approach and talk.

Perhaps you can just keep an open heart. And maybe it is. Just tossing it out there. (Again...in no way do I think you are at fault, just offering an option...'up for the challenge' so to speak'.....she may come along when you are soooooooo done)

I DO do what DB says. I leave her alone. I talk with her cordially and as necessary. If she talks to me about a show on TV, I respond. I laugh if something is funny. I do my thing. I don't chase her. I don't ask where she is going. No R anything now.

This is NOT what DB says. And this is my point (not arguing with you...but 'up for the challenge' again)

The point is 'DO WHAT WORKS'.

Brainstorm. If you're up for the challenge.

BEGIN WITH THE MIND OF THE BEGINNER. (I'll dedicate to you to work through it...if you're up for it. If you are soooooo worn down and done...so be it.)

My W knows that I love/loved her. She knows that this is not my preference..heck...I've said this over and over and over. I've slowly let her know over time...even BEFORE filing...that without some help/work/IC/MC....this marriage was broken and dead.

I can't make my wife love me. I can't flip on any of her internal 'ON' switches....
To sgctxok...thanks for your support.


My gut instinct says you don't want to do this. And that is my point. It IS so important to take care of yourself. And I want you to.

But if there is a chance.....and you want to try...I would like to help you make sure you did everything.




Being up front----I have more concerns about other posters comments than with what you may or have decided.

[faithisbelieving]

Thank you sgct....I started way back with DB Chuck...do I want to do this? I don't think anyone does. Am I 'done'? Yes....I don't trust her anymore....I don't like the anger that never goes away...and the last OM3....I think destroyed something...something I'm not sure can ever be rebuilt. FIB