My thread locked.... Does anyone know how to attached it here?
This is getting really hard. I am down right now because we just spent a nice day in NYC with W and two of our sons. We had a great time but she just came in and announced she was going out for night. I hate that. I will be sitting up all night waiting for her to come home. I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to take her running out the door every other night. I really don't like it but I will not say a word or ask where she is going nor whom she is with.
Interesting I told her I was going out and she had a million questions but I am not allowed and didn't ask her. Is that a 180 by not asking her where she was going and with whom?
Well I did not sit home and wait for her i went out with friends and GALed. Great meal super conversation and lots of fun. She got home before me which makes me feel good. I will sleep well and i hope you do also.
Man i slept great last night. I may have slept till the lastest ever. She seemed pissed i slepy so late. W wanted to start arguments today as soon as I got up. I asked her to change her tone and not argue infront of the kids. That seems to have worked.
I am working hard but I don't feel I am making any progress. I guess this is either going to take a lot more time then I thought or she is just done. She keeps saying we are in Limbo. I call it transition.
Tree, as long as she says you are 'in limbo', wouldn't that indicate that she has not checked out of the marriage yet?
Right now, the state of your marriage is determined by her...and she is saying 'limbo'.
I always say neutral is better than backwards.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Mink, Thanks for your thoughts. I just feel it is not a good limbo. i call it transition and it is either going to go one way or the other leaning toward the other. Not a good feeling. She keeps saying we need to be apart. Like she wants to get out of the limbo and I am holding her back from doing what ever she wants to do. I need to decide if this is the type of person i want to be with. She is always trying to drag me into a black holed argument. I am staying far away. No arguing. I asked her if she wanted to go out tonight and she said that did not sound like fun and she really didn't want to be with me alone.
Bruce, This is (your below comments) exactly where I am. I could not have said them better. My W is so negative about me right now i can not stand it. Any question I ask her nicely turns into this huge black holed arguement. It is terrible. I feel she hates me so much and I feel I have done nothing to deserve this. She must feel that i am holding her back from doing something that she really wants to do. i don't know anymore, I am very confused and trying to make sence of it all. i need to start thing just about me but that is very hard with three kids in the house and a W that I am very concerned about.
"Do you really want to be with that type of person? I know that's a blunt question, one I still have a hard time dealing with. I know the type of person I want and need to be with, and in many ways my W was/is not that person. Still, the pull of history pulls us back, or makes it hard to walk away, doesn't it? It's as if part of me knows it's time to move on and take what I've learned in search of a better relationship, yet part of me still holds out some hope (naive?) that the old relationship can be transformed. I see transformation in myself, and read a million stories about transformed marriages, and want to believe it's possible with us. But I also know that many situations don't end that happily. Our wives are on their own journeys, and we must continue on ours."
In my situation, as long as my W drops hints that she is considering reconciliation, I will stay in this. That is the control I have.
With us, being apart is helping. At least, in her mind it is...and she controls THAT part. Anything that I do, which conflicts with her vision of being apart in order to find herself, makes her wig out. So I am careful not to push her or talk of the future.
So, do I want to be with that type of person? Well, when I see how she really is (after a couple glasses of wine), I hold out hope that I DO want to be with this person.
I can see the new strength, which I love. I can see the sweet part of her, which I also love. So I am hopeful.
In your sitch, it seems like every day is a repeat of the last...nothing is breaking the dynamic. She tries to get you to argue, in order for you to react, and if you do, it justifies her attitude, in her mind. She thinks, "See, I'm doing the right thing, he is unreasonable".
I know that having kids around limits your options. But something needs to be done to shake things up...she isn't just going to wake up one day and be the old Sally.
I know at the beginning, you said your marriage was bad for a time before this. What made it start to turn south? It couldn't have been 100% her...what did you do to contribute to the breakdown? Just ask yourself those questions, and see if you can address one or two things that you think you might have done. Be radical and be consistent. Don't go back and forth. If you are going to be strong and confident, STAY that way, no matter what.
It sounds like she is on the fence, leaning away, waiting for you to do something, anything. I know you have a psychiatrist, a DB coach, friends, and all of us advising you...that can make it confusing as hell. But like I said - you need to do something, and be consistent.
It might not work out, but what do you have to lose?
On another note (pun intended), I just got the new Eagles CD. There is a song on there which describes the state most of us are in, and what we need to do.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Mink, Thanks for the support. Not for nothing but something concerns me about what you said about your W "after a couple of glasses of wine". Is this the real her? I am sensitive to this because I now feel that my W drinks to much and it effects her life and the decisions she makes everyday. It effects her depression, it effects her sleep pattern, it effects our relationship and the way she interacts with me. She is a tiny girl who drinks 4 or 5 beers a day. Not good and it is not the real her. i want the real her.
I love the positive changes in your W. My wife has only made negitive changes. Yes everyday is a repeat of the last and maybe getting worse not better. I know i need to do something but what is the question? I am getting advise from all angles and that is tough also. I try to talk to her but no words are getting through. Geat Eagles lyrics, thanks! Stay in tough and i wish you well.
