Searching for the truth..for me 4

[phbear316]

Well, locked another one.

Need to post it over here, got to get that down, just never works for me. But i will keep trying.

H all but ran out of the house this am, I think he was still wet from the shower to go out. He claims fishing, but I think to see her.

Why is he in this stage that he can't be in the same room with me for more than 5 minutes. Guilt perhaps? or am i really that bad of a person that he must run away from?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1394443&page=3#Post1394443
hugs
bear

[phbear316]

Wow, i did it, does not look like everyone else's but yea for me.

Now I have to go and tackle mount laundry,

hugs hope all are having a nice weekend

bear

[Gypsy]

Hey Ms. pooh..

Just checking in. With all this going on.. just remember what is most important... you.

Take a deep breath and celebrate... you.

Uh huh.. yes you.. the pooh.

You're the best.

*hugs*

[sgctxok]

Laundry???? We KNOW what that means!!!!

[phbear316]

More wine ?!?!?!!?

[phbear316]

Hi Gypsy

Thanks for checking in with me. So sweet. I see you have a new stitch, going to pop over to read, not sure if I have any advice to offer, but just send you hugs.

H was called back to work last night big issue. H comes in at like 2am, and i let him tell me all about it. Was that a back slide, yes should have told him tell me tomorrow, but I did not. I could tell h was upset over this issue, and in some way feel like h could only talk to me not her. So i stayed up listened, acknowledged, gave my support and opinion.
Needless to say its 10am and i have had two cups of coffee to try to wake up.

Was i wrong maybe, just felt I was trying to show him, look, I still care. Like I said yesterday h was in a foul mood, cause he could not see her I am guessing. So I had to deal with the negative side of it. But i kept myself busy.

Need to get some work done have a mgt soon. Check in later on

((hugs))
bear

[sgctxok]

H comes in at like 2am, and i let him tell me all about it. Was that a back slide, yes should have told him tell me tomorrow, but I did not. I could tell h was upset over this issue, and in some way feel like h could only talk to me not her. So i stayed up listened, acknowledged, gave my support and opinion.
Needless to say its 10am and i have had two cups of coffee to try to wake up.

Was i wrong maybe, just felt I was trying to show him, look, I still care.

You absolutely did the right thing, bear. If you want him back, you do want to build the friendship, listen to him. You want to go dark, so you aren't needy, but you do want to take some opportunities to build the friendship...grow the warmth between you.


At some point you ARE going to tell him about your mom. Let it be in the best way possible. Let it be a bridge, not a wedge.

[phbear316]

Its funny how hrs can change, usually by know I have heard from h. Not today, seems his goal is communication is become less and less with me.

I don't want it to be a wedge between us, I just am so hurt that he just does not care about my feelings. Like my feelings don't matter anymore, cause he wants to cut all feelings for me, I have to have the same for him. Well, its not that easy for me, like I have said, he has been my strength when my illness would strike my family. I gathered my strength from him. H has made him self so uncaring, so cold. It is truly sad.

Yes I will tell him, When the time is right, when the opportunity arises he will be told. It will come out soon, cause it is going to at some point come out about nephew's graduation. I am needed here, not there. So my decision is to stay close to home for that reason. Something or shall I say someone else has made the decision for me about going.

It won't be in May as of right nowy

Hugs
bear

[W2G]

(((Bear)))

Just checking in friend. Yes, I agree with SG that I don't think it was a backslide to be there for your H... although I wish it was recipricated (sp?). Friendship is a VERY important stage... but you will also have to do whatever it takes to keep you "okay" during everything that's going on with your Mom right now.. so if darkness is needed to regroup.. then that's what you should do.

Hugs,
W2G

[phbear316]

Hey W2G

I too so very much wish H would show me some friendship. For now that word does not exist in his vocabulary.

I seem to the last couple of days find myself in a dark area, but is a peaceful darkness to me. I don't know how to explain it. I am tired of jumping up and down on one foot for h to see me. H does not see, so i just hop if I want or walk if i choose. I guess i am regrouping.

Today at work I was talking to another co-worker and brought up the idea of hey one night after work since the weather will start getting really nice would think about skipping the gym and going for a walk (we work near a big park). Seemed interested. I felt guilty, why you ask, for this coworker is male. I feel i am doing my wedding vows wrong. I feel its not my place, almost like what will people think?

Well I know i cannot think that way, for one, the door is totally open to the idea of h and I trying to start a new marriage. H has to walk thru it and try.
This coworker is just so nice, we click we can talk about a lot of things. Am i just crazy? or am i really making a mistake to walk in a park at night with a coworker, Who i really want to be friends with outside work. Why do i harbor so much guilt, why do i care about what it looks like to others and if others are to tell H?

I also think i got hit on today by a new employee, not really sure, i think he was trying to figure out how old I was by asking how long i work at my job. Maybe it was me. My head was going in 20 different directions today so maybe i read more into the question that was really there.

I find I am thinking a lot the past day of its been a year, since h had held me, we ML, he told me he loved me, held my hand. I hate this feeling, i truly do. As i have been saying the first always seem to be the hardest, first holiday, first birthday, first anniversary, but i will to get past this break in the road.

Well since h had me up late last night, i am pretty tired now, so going to try to get some sleep

hugs
bear