Hello. I don’t often post, because my sitch is just ticking along, and I have learnt to love myself, and have a life. But something interesting happened that made me think about how men tick. Guys please do chip in here.
Very sadly, a great friend of mine lost her partner of 15 years recently. He and his wife separated about 20 years, and I should stress that my friend had no part in the separation. But, he left EVERYTHING to his wife and children – and he really loved my friend. OK perhaps an aberration I thought, so I was discussing this with a mutual friend [male] who is the long time and loving partner partner of another close friend. His wife left him over 20 years ago for another man, and she died about 5 years ago.
I was expressing surprise at, let’s call him Pete’s decision, and Jack said, ‘Oh no, I loved my wife and was devastated when she died. I love her all my life, and I still do, I can totally understand why Pete did that’!
Well I about fell off my chair, partly because Jack never normally opens up like this, but mainly because of the unquestioning supremacy of the first wife in these guys minds. I have seen them with my friends, and they are loving and happy.
The other thing I realised is that almost everything my husband is currently doing is a reaction to me. Now I have largely dropped the rope I can watch his antics with [mostly] amused disbelief. But of course I have taken back the power. I am NOT reacting to him, and I can now see that his actions are directly reactive to my existence! Every mean and provocative act. But I realise he doesn’t hate me, although it looks like it. He just cannot get me out of his head. Poor guy.
Let's say I was surprised that these guys still carried such a torch for their first wife - no messy rupture in either case, and even so, SUCH love.
I think we women [based on many ernest chats over coffee, wine , and other in depth research!] think the woman currently in their life is THE ONE. Because I think for women that tends to be the case.
I think the Myers Briggs Personality Test is a better bet along this line. I do not think it is gender specific.
My wife is my love. I hold two other women in high regard and that is from being 37 years old and the paths I have walked. Love, yes, but not what I have for my wife. I am in contact with neither. Neither is my first wife.
I think it is more the person, not the gender.
The commonalities here, amoung the LBSers... we are the care givers, the providers, the worriers, the selfless. I think we hold onto the idea of loving 'one' person a bit tighter than others.
Maybe something to this...
I am an (E/I) NFP, The last time I checked...heh more like ENFP now.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
The commonalities here, amoung the LBSers... we are the care givers, the providers, the worriers, the selfless. I think we hold onto the idea of loving 'one' person a bit tighter than others
.
So if we are as you stated above
what are they?
Could it be that some of us "hold onto" the ideal of the love we had/have for our missing spouses?
When they do comeback they do not comeback as we anticipated either. Partly because we are what you stated above, we have grown, learned valuable lessons.
Sometimes I think they comeback with a chip on thier shoulders as if they are doing us a favor.
No, I do not mean all. There are many in piecing that do not appear that way, yet there are many that do.
Some even comeback and cannot let go of the OP. Is it fair to us to let that happen? We seem to be the only givers as we want to achieve our goal of regaining our once happy marriage.
Can it be said the when the spouse does come home they do not hold the OP in a special place?
Ugh!
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
First, it is great to hear from you. I was just wondering about you the other day and here you are.
Quote:
The other thing I realised is that almost everything my husband is currently doing is a reaction to me. Now I have largely dropped the rope I can watch his antics with [mostly] amused disbelief. But of course I have taken back the power. I am NOT reacting to him, and I can now see that his actions are directly reactive to my existence! Every mean and provocative act. But I realise he doesn’t hate me, although it looks like it. He just cannot get me out of his head. Poor guy.
I have been told the very same thing about my H lately. He acts as if he has lost his mind. He just keeps upping the ante trying to get the response he used to get from me. I think it makes him feel terribly uncomfortable not to get any reaction from me.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Very sadly, a great friend of mine lost her partner of 15 years recently. He and his wife separated about 20 years, and I should stress that my friend had no part in the separation. But, he left EVERYTHING to his wife and children – and he really loved my friend. OK perhaps an aberration I thought, so I was discussing this with a mutual friend [male] who is the long time and loving partner partner of another close friend. His wife left him over 20 years ago for another man, and she died about 5 years ago.
I was expressing surprise at, let’s call him Pete’s decision, and Jack said, ‘Oh no, I loved my wife and was devastated when she died. I love her all my life, and I still do, I can totally understand why Pete did that’!
This happened to my aunt. She was married to her second husband (her first had died) for a long time, probably 20 years. He was divorced from his first wife (I was a kid at the time they met so I don;t know if there was any hanky panky involved or not).
Anyway - husband dies, my aunt finds out he left everything to his ex-wife and kids. My aunt had to move out of her house and into a trailer park for her declining years. And my aunt and he were happily married! She doted on him!
Hi Angelica, welcome back...interesting stuff you bring to the table once again !
Who knows right...
Must say I have always felt that I will be important to H, because I am the mother of our children....who knows how it all ends up, living the moment right now and enjoying it too !!
Love having you back ! xxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
