Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

Yeah, I think they're humiliating....to me. I don't have to tell anyone about any of them to be completely embarrased that I'm dreaming about my H. He doesn't want me or need me anymore, I need to accept that, get over him, and push him out of my mind. IMPOSSIBLE! He has made his decision. He isn't coming back. He's content to leave me hanging in eternal limbo though because he knows I won't file again and divorce me for him. He's got it made, doesn't he?

[angelica]

Mishka - you need to go to Darboyd's thread and read a post from Amy C - I think it is on page 3 or 4 - couple of days back. Sheis VERY clear. MLCers do NOT choose to do this to us. We are not their victims unless we choose to be. Your damaged feelings are valid. Your victimhood is not

In case you did not know AMYC is unusual in that she went through MLC and comes back to post. She knows what the mind of the MLCer is like and how painful it is to be there. The MLCer is not out there being horrible for the heck of it. They have been seized by forces beyond their oontrol. She also advocates being tough with them.

In most book clubs you get to have a say about what you read, and personally I like being challenged to read things I might not otherwise read. All of life is about moving outside our comfort zone, and being open to new ideas and new experiences. You would rather sit at home than discuss a book that you did not choose, fine, but, brutally a bit limited. . . .

Sorry for the tough love Mishka, but on these boards I see two broad groups of people. Those who grow and flower during this MLCBS and those who get stuck, and have a terrible time. The ones that grow turn their pain and suffering into something positive. Think of the threads you like to read . . . Cinders, and Jeanette for example [sorry to sigle out only two, there are many]. They have both had a very tough time, we are there for them, but their hearts are open, and I would want to spend time with them.

And that is our choice. I am writing this because I think you can be one of those really positive people. You have already accomplished so much.

A

[mishka422]

Angelica,

It's funny that you mention dar's thread and AmyC's post because I had just read it last night. She had some very interesting things to say and I always like to hear her perspective on this bunch of craziness we are all stuck in the middle of.

I honestly don't feel like a victim anymore. That doesn't mean that I'm not still really ticked at him for doing this to his family. I have forgiven him for the betrayal (even though it's ongoing). I would like to have a friendly relationship with him and we're getting there. That's good for me and our son.

I still don't know if H is really in MLC or if he was just tired of me and is a WAS. It doesn't really matter though. Gone is gone.

I got a text from H just a few minutes ago and he's in a chatty mood. I guess that's good that he's not cutting me off after my questions of last night.

Book clubs are really a good idea, I think I will look for one. If I don't like the books they are choosing, then I don't. No big deal. I wonder where to even start looking for one around here though. I think I'll call the library and see if they might have a list or something.

PMA is really tough for me as I've always been a glass half full kind of girl. I'm working really hard on it. I put a rubber band on my wrist and snapped it every time I have a negative thought about myself or my sitch. That helps but now I have a HUGE welt on my wrist.

[missmyfriend]

Hi Mishka!

I am sorry that you have to go through this. It is really awful to have to deal with a spouse that appears to have no regard for your feelings.

Angelica has done a great job of pointing out AmyC's insight into the mind of a MLCer. They become very self-absorbed and can only think about themselves. They can only see us a hindrance to remove whatever pain they feel.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your entire family is to get as close to God as possible and lean on Him for strength. No one else can rescue from the feeling of despair.

The one thing I pray to God about is to mold me into the man He always wanted me to be and to be the kind of husband and father I should have been, regardless of my wife's choices. I have asked Him to avert my eyes from the circumstances and to focus on Him at all times.

That is why it is said "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" (Psalm 119:105).

If we focus on other circumstances instead of the Word, we will stray from the path and experience confusion, sorrow and loss. Fear and faith cannot occupy the same space.

[mishka422]

I love that MMF! "Fear and faith can not occupy the same space." I'm going to put that on my mirror in my bathroom.

I have been gaining so much strength through my walk with Christ. He has given me so many blessings and I am ever thankful. My cousin and I continually remind each other to look up instead of out. Out is into the world and there is nothing there but suffering and pain, up is to God and He brings peace, joy and comfort. So look up!!!

On another interesting note, H texted me asking if I would like to have lunch with him and S13. I met up with them down the street from my office. It was nice. We chatted and had a generally nice time. He touched my shoulder and said thank you for meeting us. He sent me a text when I got back to my office thanking me for meeting them again and said it was really nice.

I'm so confused by him. He's so sweet to me most of the time and seems glad to see me. It's like he wants to be my friend but not my H. I will just have to accept that for now and see what he does next. I'm not trying to drive this bus anywhere, just along for the ride I guess.

[mishka422]

I just received this via email and it spoke to everything we talk about here all the time. I thought I would share it with all of you.

A LESSON IN LIFE

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were
meant to be there, they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or
help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who
these people may be; your roommate, neighbor, professor, long lost friend or
even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them, you know that
very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you and at the time they may seem horrible,
painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming
those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will
power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of
good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and
sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of our soul. Without these
small tests, if they be events, illness or relationships, life would be like
a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable but
dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who effect your life and the successes and downfalls you
experience, they are the ones who create who you are. Even the bad
experiences can be learned from. Those lessons are the hardest and probably
the most important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your
heart, forgive them, for they have helped you to learn about trust and the
importance of being cautious to who you open your heart to.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they
love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart
and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything
that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again.
Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen, let
yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head
up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you
don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you either. You can
make of your life anything you wish!

Create your own life and then go out and live it......


ADDITIONAL THOUGHT......"People are like tea bags---you have to put them in
hot water before you know how strong they are.:

[mishka422]

I'm coming at this with new resolve.

I resolve to NOT contact H at all for any reason short of extreme blood loss, death, or dismemberment.

I resolve NOT to humiliate myself the way I did AGAIN tonight. After our nice lunch together today I got it in my head that I would be super nice and invite him for dinner tonight. He shot me down in my own driveway when he dropped of S13 after karate. I'm just so tired of looking pathetic. I WON'T open myself up for that again.

I resolve NOT to accept any more of his pity offers to help me.

I resolve NOT to accept any more of his pity offers to come to lunch with him and S13 or anything else. They can have their time together and I will continue to find something to occupy my time. I can't really call it GAL because I just can't seem to do that.

Just really tired of being a fool. I won't permit myself to be one anymore. GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL MISHKA! HE DOES NOT WANT YOU AND WILL NOT EVER WANT YOU AGAIN. HE IS JUST THROWING ME BONES TO KEEP ME DANGLING.

Ok, there, I think I've yelled at myself enough for now. I feel better.......kind of. Still a total loser but that's nothing new. I'll figure this out someday. I'm better off not seeing him at all. Back to making myself scarce. It's really hard to do most of the time because of S13.

Going to bed. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

[One Day]

Hi Mishka!

That's quite a list of don'ts!

I resolve NOT to humiliate myself the way I did AGAIN tonight. After our nice lunch together today I got it in my head that I would be super nice and invite him for dinner tonight......I'm just so tired of looking pathetic. I WON'T open myself up for that again.

I think this is a good one. If he's already stayed for an event/occassion, don't ask him to stay for longer; you need to end interactions first when you can (but nicely). And I don;t think you would have looked pathetic inviting him, just nice, as you are. But maybe if/when you do decide to invite him to do something next time, have no expectations with it- that way it won't be so disappointing if he refuses (for whatever reason)

Just really tired of being a fool. I won't permit myself to be one anymore. GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL MISHKA! HE DOES NOT WANT YOU AND WILL NOT EVER WANT YOU AGAIN. HE IS JUST THROWING ME BONES TO KEEP ME DANGLING.

Mishka- I really don't think you're being or have been, a fool. Your H is not done with you, as far as I can tell from reading your posts. But I do think it's going to take a long time for him to get better- he has a long journey ahead of him and is going to send confusing signals. Noticing them is NOT foolish. It shows how loving and constant you are.

((((Mishka)))) I hope you're having a better day today.

L.xx

[MichelleLT]

(((Mishka))) Hang in there. I think keeping it minimal contact and all business is a good plan.

I hope you are feeling better today.

Tomorrow is Friday

[mishka422]

Ok, the better tomorrow has arrived.......THANK GOD!

Last night stunk. I managed to get myself into such a funk which really made me mad at myself. I don't like that at all. Broke my darned rubber band on my wrist trying to turn my negative thoughts around. All I did was get a much bigger welt!

I'm buying a bike. I haven't ridden a bicycle in about 20 years so this should be interesting. I don't care what they say about riding a bike....it can't come back to you that easily. We'll see. I'm going with a simple mountain bike style. Very inexpensive and good traction for our paths that have a lot of tree roots. I hope I don't manage to do too much damage to myself.