"You need to gather all your strength to stop talking about the affair. In fact, it behooves you to stop asking questions about their relationship completely. The mroe you ask, the more your spouse will feel pressured. The more your spouse feels pressured, the more s/he will want to flee. Control yourself."
“You also have some investigative work to do. No, I don’t mean snooping around to find out what is really going on. Since you can’t approach your spouse with any information you discover, you are only hurting yourself by snooping. You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have thigns planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes. Don’t tell your spouse that you are going to change or that things will be different, just start acting differently.”
Last edited by sgctxok; 04/28/0801:42 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have thigns planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes. Don’t tell your spouse that you are going to change or that things will be different, just start acting differently.”
Alright, this is all well and good, but what if your spouse keeps saying that there were no problems with you, he just never loved you--unfortunately he did not know it UNTIL he met the OP? He has moved out and is arranging clandestine trips with her--lying to our kids in the process. I am at my wit's end on what to do to protect my kids from his flights of fantasy--cause that is exactly what this seems like.
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have thigns planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes.
*****
Quote:
Alright, this is all well and good, but what if your spouse keeps saying that there were no problems with you, he just never loved you--unfortunately he did not know it UNTIL he met the OP? He has moved out and is arranging clandestine trips with her--lying to our kids in the process. I am at my wit's end on what to do to protect my kids from his flights of fantasy--cause that is exactly what this seems like.
Well, I think no one is perfect, so there are probably things you can work on and changes you can make. Your H may not even realize what these are. But I do think sometimes they pick OP's that are quite a bit different from us. For example, I was a depressed, very dependent on H, stopped being very sociable, oriented to my kids rather than career person and a doormat type. I know the OW in my case is neglectful of her children, a workaholic lawyer while I am a sahmom, and I'm sure way more independent than I was & totally happy cheating with my H (I found the Valentine's card where she talked about how happy H has made her!, and very sociable (still active in her sorority?), opposite of a doormat type person, but anyway I think you get my point.
OK, now I agree with DR about making changes for the most part. I have worked on becoming independent, more sociable, stopped being a total doormat, GALed a lot, and become more happy. I think these were all good changes for me. However, I don't wish to become a career-focused mom neglectful of my kids so I am not working on making that change!!! I think some things like that in time hopefully H will realize the value of, but that anyway, that is something very important to me, being a good mom, so I will not make that change!
So if you can find anything about the OW it can be helpful to see the differences & contrasts in you and help you figure out what changes to make or not make. In my case the OW was a friend that worked with my H, her D14 had gone to preschool with my son for several years so I knew a lot of this and it did help. But I also knew a lot of this stuff b/c of my H's complaints about me. Your H has never complained about anything you did/not did??? That would be something else you can use. I don't think I've ever met anyone on this board that doesn't have a change or two to improve themselves, GALing, or whatever. Keep posting if you have any questions or whatever. Do you have your own thread and is it posted on Newcomers or where? If so, I will try to find it! Karen
No, I have not started my own thread as of yet. To be honest, I am still trying to completely wrap my mind around all that has happened. He complained about my temper--I was a yell first, ask questions after kind of person, especially when it came to issues with the kids--but I have really worked on that. As a matter of fact, to the point that when he is here and the kids start acting up and push the limits, he actually jumps in about them being disrespectful.
Honestly, I do not know what he sees in her. I have seen pictures--she is 10 years older than I am, almost 15 years older than my H. She also lives in another state--he started his affair while we were separated due to military commitments. Unfortunately, he has continued it through email and over the cell phone. I will start a thread later tonight or tomorrow that details all of what has happened, in what was a relatively short time frame.
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Honestly, I do not know what he sees in her. I have seen pictures--she is 10 years older than I am, almost 15 years older than my H. She also lives in another state--he started his affair while we were separated due to military commitments. Unfortunately, he has continued it through email and over the cell phone. I will start a thread later tonight or tomorrow that details all of what has happened, in what was a relatively short time frame.
That's great--I would encourage you to start your own thread b/c there are a lot of great people here that will help support you and give advice. I was in shock & depression when I first found out--it's a very rough time but it does get better.
Yeah, you will find a lot of the OWs are nothing to brag about from my sitch and others I've read about here. It's not about their looks or they are better than you, just different usually (from what I've seen). The OW in my case is not some gorgeous beauty either. I also think most (maybe all?) of the OWs are dysfunctional (and I know the WAS are being dysfunctional too). The OW in my case has been married several times already, is married with kids having an affair with a married man with kids. I've been told she's neglectful of her kids (and have seen that from when I lived with my H he was usually with her or they were texting each other). She allows her daughter to drink (already at age 13), etc.
I mean if you were normal you wouldn't be married with kids having an affair with married people so I think most of them are not healthy and well-adjusted. And the statistics are something like 90% of affairs fail (I think b/c they are dysfunctional to begin with) and so I've read here they usually last no more than 6 months -2 years. Karen
I found a really interesting article that is geared toward the OP and the reasons why an affair is bad for THEM.
It was an interesting read and if I were ever in that position (GOD FORBID)I hope someone would have the nerve to tell me alot of the stuff that is in it, for my own well-being. Here is the link
Wonder if I could get someone to send it to the OW anonymously??? I cannot send it since I am pretty sure she knows my email address--pretty much guaranteeing she would not even look at it. Oh well. At least I found alot of personally helpful information on the site.
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Not real sure how things work here. Not sure if this is the right place to make a post or comment.
My wife informed me about her desire to divorce on May 1st of this year. She let me know at the same time that she had met someone else and that our marriage was over and there was absolutely nothing that I could do to stop the process. She ending up continuing to stay at the house until June 10th when she moved into her own apartment. Overall, our interaction from May to current has been ok considering the amount of tension in the air. However, if any mention is made of our relationship or the OM, then things turn sour quickly. She gets that far away look at first and if I press it will turn to anger. We are real careful to discuss nothing in front of the kids; but, they are already lining up in someways behind either my wife or me. My oldest daughter (20) is extremelly upset with her mother and they are barely on speaking terms. Interesting considering they used to consider each other best friends. My wife's reaction is simply that she will get over it and this really has nothing to do with her anyway. The two younger kids (15 and 17) have strong feelings about the OM, but otherwise have been ok in dealing with both of us.
I know that this is rambling, but so be it. I did read the Divorce Remedy book and that has helped me with how I have interacted and reacted with my wife. I am far from perfect and have made many mistakes. For the longest time, I could not keep my mouth shut and I continuely tried to convince the wife of the foolishness of her affair and the negative impact that this was all having on the kids. I know this pushing led to her finally deciding to move out. I think the moving out was inevitable, but the pushing that I did sped up the process. Even after moving out, I had a couple of bad days and pushed her into meetings where I continued to push. After all of this, I think that it has finally sunk in that this is disasterous behavior on my part. For the last week, I kept my mouth shut and made no contact with her (my week for the kids). Suprisingly, she has called several times since Wednesday to see how things have been going. Prior to Wednesday, there was no way she would have been the one to call. The tone of the conversation is still guarded, but I do notice a slight thaw in the cold responses.
My biggest problem is keeping this whole silence thing going. I know that it is the thing to do, but the stress and anxiety in doing so is driving me crazy. Working out does help, but an hour is an hour. There is still way to much time for me to think about this.
M: 52 W: 45 M: 21 yrs D: 20 S: 17 D: 15 OM Started 02/2008 Bomb: 5/1/2008 W Moved out: 6/10/2008
I guess I'll post this here as well. I think my W/WAW might be having thoughts or is having an affair with another woman? Michelle, have you encountered this before? Do the same principals apply? My thread is over at newcomers and can really use some guidance.
Tia, Losing Sunshine
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
