Trying Hard to Detach

[addie]

I would love to stay married and keep my family together but that would mean that she would have to end the A and cancel the D in the next 90-120 days. This is unlikely at best.

3-4 months is a long time, considering most A's last an average of 6 months and your W's A has been going on for some time now. Just to reinforce this point, my H's A lasted under 6 months from the beginning of his EA to the conclusion of A. And of course he thought he was "in love" with OP - they all do. A lot can still happen in 90-120 days. If your goal is to save your M, try not to expedite D, but continue to protect yourself financially.
It must be VERY difficult to be going through D proceedings while still living under the same roof. I admire your strength throughout all this.

[hopeforfuture]

Eagle,
An affair is so difficult to absorb and it feels like every thread in the fabric of your being, your life, everything you believed in is unraveling. I know, I was there. Maybe you don't want to hear anything right now except you are doing the right thing to get divorced. The only person who can decide that is you. I decided that, too at one point. There were plenty of people around willing to tell me I had every right to be divorced. I even talked to a lawyer and thank God he was a person who happened to be in the midst of a midlife crisis who suggested I wait. I talked to divorced people - lots of them. Friends, colleagues, people I barely knew. There's no shortage of divorce stories. With the exception of one woman who was battered and another whose husband was schizophrenic and refused help - ALL - of them regretted it. Sure, some will tell you what you want to hear at first - but when I dug deep with them I discovered that they ALL talked about the LIFELONG pain of a broken family and how it's far worse than the temporary pain of an affair. Affairs go away - almost ALL of them end. Holidays, birthdays, drop offs and pick ups and separate finances and sold homes and regrets - stay with us for the rest of our lives. This is the reality of divorce.
All I'm suggesting is - you don't have to do anything right away. Addie is right - you can ALWAYS get divorced. They are quick and easy. You might not always have the power to repair your family. It doesn't feel like it at this moment - but trust me- you have that power right now. It takes incredible strength and you have it! If you didn't, you wouldn't be on this site and you wouldn't have done what you've done already!! You are in my thoughts, Eagle. You are a good husband, father and person. No matter what you do next - keep that in your mind and heart.

Hey Summerd and Eagle,
I was just bopping around these threads and came across this post. This one definitely hit home with me.

[Eagle 2]

HforF. Yes that was a great post and very helpful. Finding out about the A sucks....

Addie. It is harder than you can imagine. I really have a hard time when W is being nice or when kids get upset. Both get me really down. The first one gives me hope and the second one really hurts. I feel the best when it is just me and the Kids. Worst when it is just me and W. Alone is somewhere in between.

W has called me twice today, 2 texts and 4 emails. She was really nice to me yesterday and even made a positive comment about something. She must have had a nice conversation with the OM yesterday. She is going away by herself this weekend. We can only guess (it is not hard to guess) where and who with. She will probably be glowing from all the passion on Monday at our first court date.

[Eagle 2]

Journaling:

Yesterday was really rough emotionally. I havent been that down since the Bomb in March. What is really weird is that I think that she knows that I know. She won't admit it and I won't confront her because the Atty advised not to (yet). She seems much nicer and happier now. She now has me watching the kids, paying the bills and has her OM to be with. I understand why she is so happy.

LRT and detaching is now very easy. I don't want to see her, talk to her or be is the same house/room with her. I don't care what she is doing or why. I really think that the secret of DBing is that is it all about getting yourself ready to be divorced and healthy. That just so happens to be the best way to get the WAS to reconsider (because they see you moving on and they want both options as long as possible). I am definitely there in all ways. I wonder what the moderators think of this analysis.

It would be very very very very hard to take her back. I don't think that I can. At this point, it is wasted energy to think about it. If it comes up then I will deal with it.

My goals are now all about me and my actions/results. She is not on the list anymore.

[summerd]

I would love to stay married and keep my family together but that would mean that she would have to end the A and cancel the D in the next 90-120 days.

Eagle -
My piano teacher (another one of my GAL hobbies) recently told me to take everything I was playing and slow it WAAAAYYY down. I've learned to do that with aspects of my life, too, and it has been so helpful.

First off - lots - I mean LOTS can happen in three to six months. We are a society who always feels we MUST respond. Don't get me wrong - I'm not advocating that you hand your wife the kitchen sink and your kids. It's important to be prepared legally and understand your rights. But if what you wrote is what you believe in your heart - that you would love to stay married and keep your family together - what's stopping you? Her filing? An affair? These things seem so huge right now but in the scheme of our lives they're just papers and mistakes.

I disagree with you that she has to end the affair for you to keep your family together. Eventually, yes. Right now, no. She's not going to end the affair now - she thinks she's found love. But that love isn't real. The love you and your kids give her is real. If she's worth being with (which I suspect she is or you wouldn't have married her) she'll discover this ON HER CLOCK.
Not fair, just is.

If what you really want is keep your family together, then there's hope. Why not respond to everything she suggests about the divorce with something simple and KIND like: whatever you think is best - I just want you to be happy and if this is what will make you happy, then you must be doing the right thing.

No one wants to divorce a person who is so sweet and kind.
This will kill you inside - but it might save your family.
Just depends on what you want and how badly.

Prayer works, I'm convinced. I'll say some for you and your kids. No matter what - you deserve good things, happiness and love. Find ways to get it from others right now. You won't get it from your wife... but I hope you do eventually!

[Eagle 2]

Thanks SD,

I agree with your thoughts but the D is happening no matter what I do in the next few months. Only she can stop it. She wants to speed it up and get everything. I will not speed it up. I will not delay but it is very difficult to live in a house together while she is having the A. She is always on the phone with the OM, during kid events, dinner time, 3:00AM, etc. She doesn't even hide it from me and the kids. How much of this can one person stomach.

Journal:

Yesterday we had a kid event and attended somewhat together. She was on the phone 90% of the event. I fed the kids and then she was on the phone while drinking for 4-5 hours. She said that she cannot sleep because "she has alot on her mind". What that is, I don't know, or want to know. I cannot see whay she is so troubled - she is getting everything that she wants.

She is going away for the weekend (again) tonight and then I get 2.5 days with the kids. This is 3 of 4 weekends that she has been gone. The kids are really feeling abandoned by her.

I was much better yesterday. My best day since finding out about the A.

I just have to make it until she leaves tonight.

[Eagle 2]

One thing that is very hard to understand is why my W keeps contacting me. She called late this am about something that we have already discussed 3 or 4 times. Yesterday it was 10 contacts between emails, calls and texts. She seems to be in love with OM but wants me avialable 24/7. Weird. I have a hard time not thinking about her, the sitch, etc when she keeps on calling.

She complained today about how sick she and tired she feels (hangover and staying up till 4 am will do that). Why would I care or want to know?

Things would be so much easier if we were truly separated. I feel so much better when she is not around.

[addie]

One thing that is very hard to understand is why my W keeps contacting me. She called late this am about something that we have already discussed 3 or 4 times. Yesterday it was 10 contacts between emails, calls and texts. She seems to be in love with OM but wants me avialable 24/7. Weird. I have a hard time not thinking about her, the sitch, etc when she keeps on calling.

She obviously still cares about you otherwise she wouldn't be contacting you this often. This is a very good sign. Have you thought about not being so available to her, not responding to ALL her calls, texts, emails right away???

Things would be so much easier if we were truly separated. I feel so much better when she is not around.

In many ways things were a lot better once H and I S. I wouldn't be able to live in the same house with him with an on-going A - I know I would continuously backslide. It was a lot easier to detach when he left. You may not be able to do this due to custody issues, etc.

[Eagle 2]

Thanks Addie,

I am not taking anything as a good sign but the DB Coach said the same thing. She has contacted me many more times than required almost daily. I do not respond quickly... unless it is a kid issue. She seems to be in constant need of communication from someone. I think that it helps her pass the time w/o thinking about the D.

I am worried that I will lose resolve and leave at some point. I am hsing a very hard time being in the same house while she is having the A. It would crush my custody rights to do so. I am also worried that she will take off w/kids to OM. Alot to worry about.

[summerd]

Eagle -
You are amazing and your stamina is incredible. Keep this in your mind and heart at all times. This willpower is a very attractive force. I wish I'd had the willpower not to separate. In many ways it was good me and good for him but in most cases it is NOT good for marriage. Most end in D. You are stronger person than I was if you can put the marriage on the shelf in the midst of a full blown affair.

Why are you so convinced the D is happening?? It may happen, it may not. Seeking legal advice is wise, but you don't have to allow the D to be your main focus. This may sound crazy but you CAN put it on the shelf along with your marriage. You can treat it just like another bill, another credit card statement, something to stick in a file. Unless there is a court date tomorrow or some document to sign immediately - nothing you have to do with the divorce requires an urgent action on your part. Three months is an eternity in this situation. Every tiny thing you do for yourself, to reward yourself, to gain your own strength is an opportunity.

The Halloween pumpkin carving in our neighborhood was the worst memory I have. All the families were so close, carving their pumpkins and my husband was on the phone with OW. I can't forget that - but I am now able to forgive him and it feels great.

You CAN do this. You CAN do this. I did it and so can you.

If your wife is in your house she will see that you are becoming a person who is loving, attractive, strong and THERE. Forget that it's lopsided - your kids are terrific. What are you doing for YOU? Can you take a short weekend with them to do something wild like wake boarding and be unavailable when she calls?

The phone calling is a huge plus sign. You're right not to have any expectations now but the phone calling IS a good sign. That puts YOU in control. You can choose to pick up the phone or not. And that was hard for me to see. Too often I let the OW be in control and the affair to control me. Being in control is different that being controlling. You are in control of your actions. She is not taking control of her actions - the affair and the OM are driving her train. This is not your concern - you could care less because YOU are what's important right now and your kids.

This is SO hard, Eagle. It was the hardest thing I've EVER done in my life. It was harder than taking care of my dying father, and my husband's kidney removal, and my mother with mental problems and managing dozens of people in a demanding career with three kids. IT WAS THE HARDEST THING EVER!! But hard is good because you find the strength you need to make it - for yourself and your kids. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

What are you doing for you????