Trying Hard to Detach

[summerd]

One more thing, Eagle.
You write that you can't see why she's so troubled. If you look harder, you can. I suspect she's so troubled because she has a great guy and a terrific family and she pushed those kids out of her body (barring the possibility they were adopted) and her natural instincts as female - let alone as a person conditioned within a monogamous society - tell her that she's about to rock the world of her offspring and that she's being a complete idiot.

So - her being so troubled is good for you and your family. But her stupid swirl of sickening behavior is her problem and her mess and she's making a damn good one.

Your best focus is in your mirror and you look great, BTW

[Eagle 2]

Thanks Sd,

Our 1st Court Date is tommorrow. A custody discovery meeting. My state has a forced separation period of 180 days from the filing date. This ends in mid September. Then the D goes into full legal swing.

I am away with kids for the weekend. Had fun all day with kids yesterday and have big events planned today. I have been very solid LRT for over a month now. My W is getting more and more jealous of my GAL activities. and I am following DB Coaches advice. It is very hard to live in the same house while going thru the D and knowing about the A. I am focuing on the D leaglly and on my kids and God. I try not to think of my wife at all. I pretend that she is dead. In many ways she is. Someone else who looks like her lives in my house.

I have had the kids 6 of the last 7 weekends and about 75% during the week. She is suppossed to take them next weekend but will most likely dump them at her moms and spend the weekend with OM. The kid hate that.

Please keep posting..... You are giving me hope.

[addie]

It is very hard to live in the same house while going thru the D and knowing about the A.

Eagle, your strength is an inspiration to all. Not many people would be able to do this. This speaks to the great person that YOU are. If things do not work out, you know that YOU stood for your M and did everything possible to save it. Your W will not be able to say the same. One day she will wake up and realize what a fool she was. Unfortunately, it may be too late.
Eagle, try to hang in there!

HUGS!!!

[addie]

BTW, Happy Father's Day to you! Enjoy the day with your kids.

[Eagle 2]

Addie,

Bless you. If only my W had your heart and compassion. Your encouragement means alot.

Today was pretty good. Spent the day with the kids and my parents at a Sporting Event and then got ice cream and my Daughter read to me. W texted Happy Father's Day and wanted to talk to me when kids called her. It was about kid stuff but it creepd me out that she wants to talk to me when with OM.

Court tommorrow and the cohabitating separation and A continue unabated. Not alot of contact from her this weekend. I think that the LRT is slipping into NRT or no resort technique.

I fight every day to stay strong. I am fighting for the best custody that I can get for kids by staying more so than fighting to save the M. I have to have strength and patience for my kids.

[Eagle 2]

Update:

The Court Session went well. It was short and very "by the book". I did get my reasons for equally shared custody out and feel better about the chances. My W was there and angry (as usual). It must be hard for her to go thru each day with so much anger and hate. She is notvreally directing at me. It is directed at everything she encounters.

I have ny divorce group tonight and 4 kids ballgames this week. I am really looking forward to getting the D over with in most ways. There is still a small part that wants what we had for 16 years. I know that is gone. What is next is the mystery.

[Eagle 2]

Journaling:
Yesterday was tough. The court thing went well. I had group which is always a good thing. My STBXW hit me with the fact that she is taking a "personal" vacation this summer. It is a very thin lie about spending a week with the OM. She even expects to pay for it out of family funds. I definitely said no to that option. It just burns me that she does nothing with the kids but was the time to see OM for a week.
It is so hard to live in the same house as your wife when she is having an A and Divorcing you. I can't get away from her.

[Eagle 2]

What a day.

It started with a polite email about kid issues and some financial stuff to STXW. An email war ensued for 3 hours. I should not have responded to it at all but I couldn't help it.

I made my W and offer on the remaining open mediation items. I aslo set up a date for us to review it next week. I am pushing for the D at full speed. This will not speed it up or slow it down as much as showing her that I am ready to get the D and not waiting on her to change her mind. She needs to know that the door is closed for her to come back as is. I formally let her know yesterday:
1. I don't hate her.
2. I am not mad at her.
3. I am ok with getting the D.
4. I want her out of my life.
5. I wish her the best of luck.
This is classic Tough Love. I have set boundaries. She has no desire to live within them. If she changes her mind then we can talk about it but I firmly am done with the person as she is now. I have inproved myself quite a bit since the whole thing started. On a physical, mental, spiritual and emotional level I am better and stronger. I feel that this new strength has helped me to GAL and walk away. I am not the needy desperate clingy person that I was in March. I am not happy about this but I can see that a year from now that I will thank her for the D. I havent been able to enjoy life or even breathe for a long time because of the oppression at home.
I am no longer trying hard to detach. I am there and it is a much better place. I feel that truly accepting the D and truly detaching are key steps to not only DBing - but also to preparing myself for the post D.
I used to dread when she was away, especially with the kids. Now I look forward to it.
I am not done yet. I have just moved on in my heart. My mind has been there for some time. The A really helped my stop loving her.

So no needy Eagle. No more clingy Eagle. I am not in the air soaring and solo. I have some eggs to watch but I am sitting on the nest waiting anymore.

[Eagle 2]

It may be time to end this thread. The title is no longer valid in that I have detached.

I am headlong into negotiating with my W on the D details. She is focused on the money and I am focused on the kids. It will be interesting to see where this lands. I am going to keep pushing until our meeting next week. At that time I will completely back off and leave it in her court. I am trying to make the point that I want this done ASAP. I am also telling her that the door is closed to her return. I am trying to see if this makes her reconsider - but I don't think so. This is a dangerous 180 but it cannot hurt at this point. She is starting to feel that things will be tough after the D and I am applying pressure to get it done. I am hoping that the pressure builds and wakes her up to the reality of this.

I am being very kind and very nice to her personally but very firm and forceful on the legal stuff. I have found out that she is jealous of my GAL more than I could imagine and that she is very very very money oriented. What she really wants is a free ride. For the rest of her life.

[addie]

This is classic Tough Love. I have set boundaries. She has no desire to live within them. If she changes her mind then we can talk about it but I firmly am done with the person as she is now. I have inproved myself quite a bit since the whole thing started. On a physical, mental, spiritual and emotional level I am better and stronger. I feel that this new strength has helped me to GAL and walk away. I am not the needy desperate clingy person that I was in March. I am not happy about this but I can see that a year from now that I will thank her for the D. I havent been able to enjoy life or even breathe for a long time because of the oppression at home.
I am no longer trying hard to detach. I am there and it is a much better place. I feel that truly accepting the D and truly detaching are key steps to not only DBing - but also to preparing myself for the post D.

Eagle, you have really grown. Your strength comes through in your posts. What you are doing is what Michelle calls After the Last Resort Technique. You should only do this if you can not continue on with your current sitch and are prepared that your M may end. It sounds like you are emotionally prepared that your M may end.
Good luck to you, Eagle!