Excellent post Angelica. I do believe H 's problems stem from his father. For about 7 yrs, they had a rough life. H's mom said that when he :woke" up it was a transformed man.
Cinders, of course I still stand. But from far away. I have complete confidence H will wake up one day. Talking to one of our fellow dbers, We came to the conclusion if H was done with this family , he would have no trouble bringing the OW around or being normal to me.
I just continue living MY life, while H is stuck in a time warp.
Reading Anes2moro's post, i have always known OW was nothing ..is nothing..just by his actions and words.
If they are mean because they are feeling guilty, then my h is feeling very guilty because he has gone into mean overdrive with his middle son. And to think at the time of the bomb that he said it was just between us, and that it would make no difference at all to his relationship with his chldren.
But what kind of strange person deliberately alienates his chldren when they reach out to him? Truly that alone is confirmation of MLC. Actually I suspect that seeing his chldren stirs up feelings that he doesn't want to acknowledge, so he pretends he wants a relationship with them, but every time they get a little closer he pushes them brutally away. This is beyond touch and go, this is touch and stab!
Talking to one of our fellow dbers, We came to the conclusion if H was done with this family , he would have no trouble bringing the OW around or being normal to me.
My H also does not bring the ow around and does not act normal to me. But in my case, I am not so sure that means he will wake up.
MrsH For a long time after teh bomb I used to think like you - be afraid to be optimistic and positive because when something bad happened it seemed worse than if I was pessimistic all of the time.
It is an absolutely normal response. We protect ourselves , as we think, by expecting the worst and then when it happens, we are not disappointed. The glass half enpty syndrome.
What about NO EXPECTATIONS and a habit of gratitude for what is good? The glass is just what it is, and if there is something in it, be grateful and if there isn't accept it. It is living in the moment. Having expectations is living in the future, derived from what happened in the past.
You do not know that the future will be terrible, but most wise peole think that if we hope for the best and prepare ourselves for the worst, that is the best way to recognise the good things that DO flow into our lives, and they do.
Example MrsH. You are so lucky to have parents who love you. I am an orphan, with one much older brother who is kind but not interested in me. My husband is also horrible to me. It is one reason why I empathise so much.
Truly I understand, and I write, not to be critical, but to stress that so much of our happiness lies in our attitude to what happens to us. Not all of it, I admit. Bad stuff happens, but it drags us down faster oddly enough if we are pessimistic. We think it doesn't, but it does.
Another example: a person applies for a job, and doesn't get it. A pessimist says 'Oh I am unemployable' An optimist sayd, 'that wasn't the job for me, I will keep on applying'. Who is more likely to get a job? No guarantees that the optimsit will get one, but it is more likely. At the end of his life will he be MORE broken because he was unsuccessful? I suspect not.
I wish I could give you a hug, and some positive vibes.
Believe, I woke up this morning pissed that H knows I will struggle in the summer. But I had to change my thought. i have to REPEAT in my head, everything I am grateful for.
God, has blessed me through all this.
I have my moments. But after almost three years of this crap I have learned to deal with it. I have weeded out the negative people in my life. They also bring you down. Since then I feel better.
Haven't heard from H. Except , what D7 told my brother.
she is with them and He takes really good care of her. He is a hairdresser.He buys her clothes and hair accessories. She loves him soo much.
So, My my D7 tells him ,
" Daddy says you are like a girl"
My brother the bigger person he is , doesnt want me to say anything or respond. he says H is just beneath him.
H hasn't contacted us. Oh well. I have a goal and continue my count down.
Kiki, your brother is wonderful...he loves you, he loves his niece...he understands that your H is lost. Instead of lashing out at him he is saying to ignore it...wise choice.
And who cares what your brother does for a living? geez, I wish my brother was a hairdresser...then I could get my products at his professional discount! LOL! jk!
Good for you for weeding out the negative people. You know what they say: You can't soar with the eagles if you hang out with turkeys! LOL!
You are doing so well, mama...you are becoming a woman of strength.
Love, Vali
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
Kikifree, doesn't your h's comment say it all about HIM. He just cannot be NICE Because, as I suspect, he is really pretty messed and and unhappy. And aren't you are glad you are not with such a downer? My hairdresser is one of my good friends, and has been so supportive to me. Thinks my h is crazy! I have been going to him for about 16 years, and he knows the whole family. He is a most wonderful human being
Kikifree, doesn't your h's comment say it all about HIM. He just cannot be NICE Because, as I suspect, he is really pretty messed and and unhappy. And aren't you are glad you are not with such a downer? My hairdresser is one of my good friends, and has been so supportive to me. Thinks my h is crazy! I have been going to him for about 16 years, and he knows the whole family. He is a most wonderful human being
