My last thread is approaching 100 posts. So time for a new thread. To maintain continuity, I have cut posted my last post below:
Hi Everyone:
My angst of the day - I just read that FLTC's thread about his D16's bulemia was CENSORED.
I cannot begin to fathom how a father posting about being stationed in Iraq serving his country while his D16 struggles with bulimia while dealing with D related issues rises to the level of "idle chit chat" - or "random thoughts."
I cannot begin to fathom how posting to detach from the emotional impact of losing one's job and managing the angst associated with how this will impact their kids is considered to be "idle chit chat."
I cannot begin to fathom - how posts directed towarrds shifting the focus from D pain to the better things in life have been deemed disconnected from a D.
My friend has issues with bulemia and said that it is an attempt to exert control over some part of her life when all the other parts seem so out of control. It appears that the moderators view D16's issues as being completely disconnected from his issues with his W.
While the moderators may disagree with me - a D creates issues that deeply affect all members of the family and many other aspects of our lives. In fact, it is tough sometimes finding a part of ourselves that has not been affected by our D's on some level. IMHO, one simply cannot apply DB principles to a single issue in isolation from the other aspects of our lives.
I have been applying DB principles in my professional life with great success. I use it on a daily basis with respect to my management duties - and it has resulted in my getting increasing amounts of responsibility. I have applied DB principles in managing R's with my mother, friends and neighbors.
I disagree with the position that I have not been DB'oing b/c I am no longer DB'ing to save a M. DB'ing is about state of mind - not necessarily the issue that the principles are being applied to.
As for the idle chit chat. During my sessions with Michele, she actually did use a lighter hearted tone on occassion to descalate the tension and help me relax when I was DB'ing to save my M. And she had what I understood to be a more holistic approach to DB'ing - that is why I understood GAL to be such a big part of DB'ing. She assessed where I was in all the different aspects of my life as a part of the goal setting process.
Moderators are in a position of power in this forum. With power comes responsibility and angst regarding when to be heavy handed and when to apply a lighter touch. I question the wisdom of the random application of censorship w/o any clear guidelines of what consistitutes appropriate subject matter. Terms like "idle chit chat." "random thoughts" and high sounding mission statements are vague and fail to provide any meaningful guidance. The use of broad, vague and ambiguous terms in defining standards lend themselve to the individual personal subjective interpretation of those terms by those in a position of power and can lead in to the non-uniform application of those vague standard by different individuals. Such standards also tend to generate conflict b/c those being managed typically interpret these standards differently that those managing. IMHO, clarity is key when it comes to successfully managing people - whether they be employees or posters in a forum.
Perhaps the moderators should consider eliminating this forum altogether - rather than slowly chipping away at what we are allowed to post here. The truth is we are D or facing impending D's in this forum. Our focus is on getting through the D and creating a life after D - which requires IMHO slowly working shifting one's focus from D pain towards the other issues we face in our lives.
It sounds like your trip to Houston was fun and a success!
I agree that the work "on myself" during and post D is paying off. What a good thing!
You said:I am curious to see how I will react to a more intimate R - after all that will dig into areas of my self esteem that have not been tested lately. I guess we will find out when it happens.
I am going through that now w/ CG. It is curious, and good to remain detached. All those tried and true DB principals come into play. But it is good.
Wishing the best for you! Take care, SG
My trip to Houston saved my sanity! It was a success! I use to post about how I was behind and I kept circling and procrastinating. After my seminar/vacation, I ploughed through it all and am finally "nervous tummy ache" free again!
I followed your posts about CG - and you really do sound so detached. I think a big part of it is that you have such a full life and good friends in your life. CG being a disappointment was just that a disappointment b/c all the other parts of your life are going so well!
I am finally ready to have a little "fun" exploring non-platonic, not so safe R's. I guess I need to set some goals to get out of my house. Clearly waiting for someone to drop down my chimney is not working!
I guess I am just not as afraid anymore - so I don't need to erect concrete barriers that a million feet think and a gagilion feet high. I feel like my core is stronger. I have more faith in myself. My sense of self is not as swayed by the opinions of others. That is not to say that I am never wrong - I am wrong at times - and that is okay too. I don't need to be right all the time to be comfortable with myself.
This is huge. I'm not there yet. I have learned that when I express my opinion and others start taking shots at it, that I don't have to defend myself. It's OK to let the conversation rest. My biggest 'aha' moment in the past weeks is that I have never truly forgiven myself. Working so hard to forgive everything and everyone else, I forgot that I was beating myself to death. So, with that realization, the walls have started to come down. I enjoy reading your thread, it guides me.
Before the outside board communication crack down, I remembered you posted an email address. I've sent an email to that address, I hope you'd don't mind.
Hope you're not working too hard! AO
I know when I express my opinion and someone disparages it - I do feel on the defensive and reactive. I still react when it comes to my mother! LOL! Other than that one - I try to take a step back and detach.
It is hard resisting that urge to reactively shoot right back at the person that takes a shot at me. In some ways managing people has helped me grow b/c I simply cannot get personal with the people that work for me - no matter how nuts they make me feel at times. It is easier b/c it is all via email! LOL!
When someone takes a pot shot at my opinion - I try to get into the mindset that that shot is at my opinion and try to depersonalize it... Sometimes it is personal... And sometimes...sigh...the other person is right... And I do try to figure out if it is a pot shot at my opinion disguised as a pot shot at me - which is tough if I am in an emotional state of mind... Life is too complex... I need to make a flowchart!
I have a tough time forgiving myself too... I just filed my last two patents from my "tummy ache nervous" list yesterday. And they were not "perfect." They were good enough - and they go the job done - but I don't feel the same sense of accomplishment b/c I know I "could have" - "should have" done my best...
I think if I can get to accepting "being good enough" - I will be more forgiving of myself.
And of course when it comes to my failed M - well I still view it as a personal failure. I am not use to failing - and well that may be why my confidence is shot when it comes to non-platonic R's...
I am rambling - I fried what was left of my brain cells with my first post on my thread....
I have posted your posts below and will respond in the next post.
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HI Ag I believe politics is the Art of Compromise. I do not know much of this gentleman but I am aware of his area and the majority of his base.
My guess is the La Gov will gravitate toward his roots slowly as time marches on. When we are young and in our prime many of us tend to take on hard stances fueled by pundits and with experience that is directly opposed to such stances will moderate them as CS Lewis did by marrying 'Joy' a divorcee and after her death writing an essay called 'The problem with pain'. He may have some pangs of regret it depends on his opinions at the time.
People on the right and left do provide a purpose to snap us back if we drift too far either way. We will never march together with one step since we are all going in our own direction and that is a good thing. So much is lost if we all look in one direction.
Lousiania hopefully not may experience another tragedy as Katrina and the proof of the pudding is his response. My opinion is the first and main functions of government are safety and infrastructure and it gets too involved in other things. The most colorful people I have ever met were from that area and when they visit my beach they are fun to watch but I must keep them and other visitors at arms length. If a quilt of the darkest black and the whitest white in physical and emotional areans were laid over the Mississippi you would have Lousiania.
And they got great restraunts. Uh La La
Quote: I am ready to consider exploring sharing my life with other people now You are miles ahead of me. It is an area of my worst performance thus I direct my efforts elsewhere. Everything is on a light and shallow basis and my thinking cap is more online.
Quote: I enjoy reading your thread, it guides me. your thread provides an insite or fertile ground where one can think of the whys and werefores that as Stan Laurel said to Oliver Hardey 'What a fine mess you got us in Ollie'.
Quote: I use to be restless/bouncy/angrier with the world and gravitated towards the more restless/bouncy/rebel w/o a cause types.
And you got stories and memories to tell. If you were solid and grounded your whole life you would not have the experiences to compare and it is part of the quilt of your pesonality. How dull would your life have been without those times? You do not have to do that now since you had that experience.
I was grounded when I was in my 20s and 30s and consider it a waste. Destructive things are out but insanity when it comes to doing things is a source of joy and accomplishment plus the greatest scam is getting paid. The drug is adrenilin and I am hooked with the line and sinker deep in. The act must have a purpose beyond self but the reward is not praise due to an allergy to cameras and print but the drug that is produced inside.
Others do the marketing and the public interface. They have the poise, teeth, hair, and the tan and the camera loves them thus a great marketing tool and when the chips are down you can count on them.
My guess is you look at your wild times with a mixture of joy, a little regret, and fondness. It is a part of the makeup we call here AG. As everyone here you are unique and you have resolve fired by your trials and tribulations.
If there were on EEs with a law degree SONAR on the Alabama Marine Police boat probably would have been left to the Navy and my job would be more difficult. _________________________
A bad day on the beach Beats
a good day anywhere else
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Hi again When I compare the Gov's bio compared to most of the folks I knew from India my guess is he has strayed from his roots a good deal. I admit complete ignorance on the cultures from your Dad's homeland but in the IT world I knew consultants from India were bright but quite shy and suttle. However that is not enough to form a learned opinion.
Do you know about the heritige and culture from this Gentleman?
I am curious on how the fact your mixed cultures impact your actions at this time. I assume from unreliable 4th hand info the culture norms of Marriage and relationships are quite conservative. _________________________
I think the LA governor is a brilliant man and has quite an impressive resume for such a relatively young man. I think he "DB'ed" the people of LA - perhaps to the point where he might have lost a part of himself. It will be interesting to see how he changes over the years.
My mother did point out LA Gov has a W of Indian heritage. The man is an interesting paradox.
I noticed how Justice Thomas is gravitating back towards his roots with his new book lately. Not so brilliant - but made some identity sacrifices to get where he is today.
I suppose it is always a balancing act - how much are you willing to give to get to where you want to go... And there is an element of self esteem involved. Are you strong enough to give w/o reallly losing yourself...
I think you are right (hee hee) about people on the extreme right and the extreme left. They provide valuable perspective of the spectrum of thought that help me define where I want to be. Although - sometimes I get too attached to my own point of view and only hear "white noise" when people that disgree with me talk... Sigh...detaching enough to be able to really listen is an art form...
N_Hill - do you think you suffer from the same perfection disease that I do. We rarely fail when we set a goal - we both seem to view our failed M's as a personal failure on some level and have lost confidence in our ability to be in non-platonic R's? I have been "hiding" in safe R's for 5 years now... I am wondering how much of it has to do with a "fear of failure." As A_O posted - we seem to have a tough time forgiving ourselves and perhaps moving on when we "fail."
As for my wild times. After my visit to Houston, I have no regrets. I was single, footloose and fancy-free back then. Now I am at a point in my life where I like grounded. My body doesn't seem to recover as well from adrenaline rush induced actions anymore. For example, I use to have nerves of steel and be able to work all night to make a deadline - pure adrenaline.
Nowadays, I am trying to work steadily w/o adrenaline b/c I seem to get mentally exhausted more easily that I did in my younger days... I find that these days after 4 hours of concentration I need a break - and often a nap. I use to be able to go straight though for 24 hours or more when I was younger... And nowadays my body is getting to stiff and I limp from the stiffness when I sit too long - perhaps a product of being 40 something....
Back to multicultural and LA Gov... Many people of Indian heritage have a "western" side and an "eastern" side." When we step out the door - we use names that are western pronouncable (my father used his initials), we eat western food, or eastern food that is western acceptable, etc and essentially integrate.
In our homes, in my case, I speak Bengali with my family and my cats. My behavior and mannerisms are relatively more "Indian." The X and I were both relative more accepting and expressive our or respective German and Indian heritages at home. When we stepped out the door - there was a change. For example, The X mastered fluency in English and lost his German accent w/in a year of moving here.
For the most part, you keep the two parts of you separate. You gauge how much of your "eastern" part that the west can handle and act accordingly.
Good work always gets rewarded.... wayatta go AG !!!
Thanks Soup!
It took me roughly 15 hours to detach after reading the email from my boss. I spent some time thinking about how keep the conversation as constructive as possible and avoid disparaging PC in any way that was irrelevant to the issue at hand.
For example, I did not "sneak in" that PC called and/or emailed me nine times w/in 24 hours in response to a request to make a single change to a project that I managed and sent him. I felt that in my capacity as a manager - that was my issue to handle. I did not feel it was appropriate to raise this in response to the personal attacks PC made in his billing entry...
This whole PC issue was a nightmare. I am so glad that I was able to use DB principles to detach and act as opposed to react. I believe there is a relationship between the way I handled the situatio with PC and my increase in management responsibilities.
Hi AG I jusy popped on here to see how FLTC's thread was doing and found out is is gone. I totally agree with you. This poor dad was throwing out a line for support and help about something he did not understand. I felt that what people had written was very supportive, and I had given him information based on experience and was only trying to help. So I will apologize if any of my advice got this thread deleted. Very good post AG. You addressed many questions and issues that alot of people have here.
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
I have a tough time forgiving myself too... I just filed my last two patents from my "tummy ache nervous" list yesterday. And they were not "perfect." They were good enough - and they go the job done - but I don't feel the same sense of accomplishment b/c I know I "could have" - "should have" done my best...
We are our biggest critics. I've come to realize that perfection is my perception and for me, many times, it's overkill. Working things to death does not necessarily mean it's better than it would have been if I'd done a good job and left it alone. My motivation is usually to please others, worried about what they'll think. I've lowered the bar a bit and, believe it or not, no one noticed. So, I'm beginning to set new standards for myself.
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I think if I can get to accepting "being good enough" - I will be more forgiving of myself.
By who's standards? What are you measuring yourself against? Suggestion....accept being good, doing a good job. If you're like me, I'll complete something then think about it again and rewrite or add more. This process may repeat a few times, in my usual anal retentive way. I'm so worried about being crystal clear about things. In my personal life I've realized if I'm not crystal clear it encourages more interaction (gives people a chance to ask me questions!) or not.
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And of course when it comes to my failed M - well I still view it as a personal failure. I am not use to failing - and well that may be why my confidence is shot when it comes to non-platonic R's...
I'm not used to failing professionally. Personally, R's have never been my strong point. Guess that has caused me to be more forgiving of myself when I think about the M. I also learned so much about myself and my interaction with others through my M then through the D. And I like what I learned, wasn't always pretty, but I'm glad I learned these things. You are a wonderful, caring woman who works hard on every aspect of her life. From your writing I see you are letting go a bit, which is a very good thing. Let go and trust.
Life is good. My yoga teacher announced that she's pregnant, so her prone floorwork will be limited. Although she plans to teach until her little boy decides to be a part of our world. To continue the process I started at the beginning of the year, I am continuing to let go. Bringing peace to my world and trusting that peace will surround me. Trust. The first word I say in the morning and the last word I say before I sleep. Trust.
We spent the weekend with good friends at their cottage. Left Friday @ noon and came back yesterday around 4pm. Their cottage is 4 seasons and is right on the beach of Georgian Bay. We always have a good time with them. Plus, they like that we bring our doggies with us. :-)
Ellie's taking M/T/W off to work on the gardens. This afternoon we're planting a red maple in her mom's backyard.
I was happy to see that the moderators reconsidered their decision.
Thanks Shoe for your validation and support. My post is a bit of a rant... I suppose if I could write it over again - I would ask for what I want and say why I want what I want.
I didn't do that yesterday b/c I was tired and didn't want to actually discuss why the thread was deleted. I didn't want to invite discussion - but that really isn't fair to the people I am ranting about.
Just b/c I spend a lot of energy at work figuring out what I want and asking for it - sometimes risking confrontation - and am sometimes tired - does not excuse me from making the effort to do the same outside of work.
I guess the moderators reinstating the thread helped me to de-escalate a little and look at things a little less emotionally.
It was a success! I use to post about how I was behind and I kept circling and procrastinating. After my seminar/vacation, I ploughed through it all and am finally "nervous tummy ache" free again! 
I use to be able to go straight though for 24 hours or more when I was younger... And nowadays my body is getting to stiff and I limp from the stiffness when I sit too long - perhaps a product of being 40 something....
My yoga teacher announced that she's pregnant, so her prone floorwork will be limited. Although she plans to teach until her little boy decides to be a part of our world. To continue the process I started at the beginning of the year, I am continuing to let go. Bringing peace to my world and trusting that peace will surround me. Trust. The first word I say in the morning and the last word I say before I sleep. Trust.