What I've been waiting for the past 14 months of our separation has happened and all my DBing work is paying off. My husband has discovered that the grass isn't so green outside our marriage and he wants to move back in. (this stuff really does work - thanks Michelle!!) So, why have I broken out in hives for the first time in my life and I feel scared to death? Why don't I go and embrace him and say - of course, move right back in? A part of me wants to. He says he feels like I'm waiting for something to happen, like I have some check list he doesn't know how to fulfill and he's getting mixed messages. He wants to escape his job where she works, never drive the same road there again and move forward. So why can't I? I really just want my husband to take me in his arms, look me in the eye and say: "I'm sorry. I love you. And I want to come home because I want you." I told him that I want to know he's coming home for me - but I think he feels pressured even though I'm not looking for miraculous differences - only a little love and affection.. both of which were sorely lacking in our marriage. I'm afraid to give these things to him because I've felt so badly rejected for so long. I don't want us to ever go back and a part of me believes that his own personal growth won't allow that to happen. Another part of me is dreadfully afraid that the man I'm taking back will be the exact same man who left. I can use some advice!
Me: 41 H: 50 M: 15 years S14-D12-D10 S: 05/07 Back home: 08/08 EA: 4 yrs
I think it is important in piecing to be totally open and clear about what both sides want and what each person's respective expectations are. No walking on egg shells - this is important.
My husband and I had to be 100% open and honest - even then it's a big, long road to travel and will have it's bumps along the way.
One spends so long fighting for the M to survive, that when a chance comes along for just that to happen, it can be quite a daunting prospect. Don't settle; strive for the M you want.
Good luck
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I believe I have tendencies to start sabataging myself when I see progress being made.
You worked so hard, its paying off...love and celebrate yourself!
Your self doubt can be felt by him as you are seeing. Animals can smell fear, and it either makes them agressive to go in for the kill, or teniative that the fear will lash out to bite them.
Embrace your success - you have earned it!
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
I speak as someone who "agreed" to my H coming home but with no "conditions," no "this is what I want" in mind. I just wanted him home.
It worked for a few months.. I got bombed a second time 6 months later. We almost separated again last Oct. Now we're back on more solid ground but it's been tough. And I think the #1 thing we're lacking is that open, honest, 2-way communication.
Until you KNOW you can be clear with each other (and no eggshells), I would agree that you should be cautious.
Definitely don't be afraid to succeed - but don't be afraid to take it slow, either. SallyM posts in "Surviving" and her H has recently come back. You might look at what's worked for her so far.
One thing that stuck out to me:
Quote:
He wants to escape his job where she works,
If this is important to you as well, I'd say he should do this BEFORE moving back home. Make sure he's well on the road to getting over her, and not just filling that void by coming back to you. Make sense?
Quote:
I really just want my husband to take me in his arms, look me in the eye and say: "I'm sorry. I love you. And I want to come home because I want you."
I soooo want that for you, too!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Thank you to all who are responding. You are confirming what my instincts tell me to do which is to make sure I feel comfortable that we can both be honest with each other and share what we feel with far fewer eggshells. We spent so much time in that delicate dance in our marriage - bottling up what we were afraid to say. We're both making progress but we still do it too much for me to feel comfortable that we won't simply regress.
Me: 41 H: 50 M: 15 years S14-D12-D10 S: 05/07 Back home: 08/08 EA: 4 yrs
Another side of the camp...depending on your H's emotional state...depression, MLC, health issues...sometimes to begin the piecing work you do walk on eggshells until things are better ground between you...
I know my H came home a bit too soon...but I had to deal with that decision...at one point I was ready for him to leave again it was so hard...but we made it...he was emotional mess when he returned...he wasn't ready to talk about everything...he found it hard to trust me with the truth and I would find out he lied to me about things...stupid stuff...instead of getting upset and making a big issue of it I would just tell him that he won't know my reactions until he could trust me...he was scared too...he didn't want to hurt his family again...but he had felt hurt too...he still felt a lot of why he left was me...but he also felt that leaving wasn't the answer...eventually, after he got help for his depression, drinking, and started taking care of his spiritual side and physical being...we started connecting better...the eggshells were able to swept away and I was able to express myself more (in my new and improved controled way) and he was able to be honest with me...we still have struggles but I honestly believe they are more of the "normal married people" struggles...
What I found taking him back was a new man...one that I recognized...but also one that had changed for the better too...he had grown in many ways...he understood himself better and this eventually allowed him to understand me better...he actually started helping with things around the house that before he never (and I mean NEVER) helped with...dishes...volunteering to do MY laundry...helping with the house work voluntarily!
It is scary but I think it is also the only way to know for sure...I also think you have to decide if your H is one that you need to keep the eggshells with just a little while longer...
I'm going to second what Lin said: you may have to walk on eggshells for a while. Because, while your H is learning to trust you, YOU are also learning to trust H again.
When my H recommitted, I was terrified. We were in MC the whole time, and I basically let him do all the talking and bringing up of issues until he was done and until he saw that so many things he assumed I thought/believed/was were just not true. We have a great MC, and at some point she called me on the eggshells thing.
You're going to have to be patient--with yourself, your H, and your R. It took a good two years after the bomb for H and I to really get to a safe, accepting, comfortable point where we trust each other and know we can say whatever we need to say. I went from going to events where OW (it was an EA with a coworker) was or even ones she was hosting in September 2006, to talking about my feelings about her in MC and putting it on the table, to declining to go to any events with her but letting H make his own choice in December 2007, to telling H outright that I didn't want him to socialize with her at all--email, in person, etc. in late March 2008. I set some really clear boundaries and expectations for continuing in the M at that point, and H stepped up and respected that.
It wasn't until I hit a crisis in early May and saw how H responded SO differently from before (used to be judgmental and try to fix things) that *I* was fully there. I think H had been there since late March, but it just took me longer.
Piecing requires the same DB strategies as before. You still have to stay detached (which means staying nonjudgmental about H's actions, not worrying about the outcome when making your decisions as to what is right for you), GAL, work on PMA and your own actions. In some ways, it's harder. H comes back, and we place all these expectations on him and how it's *supposed* to be...when really, there is only what is and no "supposed" to.
My best recommendation to you is to insist on MC as a condition of H returning, then go and be very, very patient. Your turn WILL come. Is it fair? Maybe not, but it's what is.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
We didn't have marriage counseling when we started reconciling...it might have helped but I learned a lot here that helped me stay focused...
I want to emphasize the GAL thing SD touched on...it is VITAL even after you reconcile to keep GAL for YOURSELF and you MUST ALLOW that for your spouse too...it is healthy...it is strengthening...it is NORMAL!...I have maintained this and we are a much better couple then we ever were before...he also has his life too...I don't have to feel like I should be included in every little thing he does, nor does he feel that way about my activities...this is so different from the first 27 years of our life together!
Piecing is a process...one that takes time and tests your strength even more then the separation might have...you question if you are doing the right thing...you are scared to death...but remember so are THEY!...keep DB'ing...do what works...keep working hard on yourself because it will show...you will see results!
I highly recommend that you consider going to a Retrouvaille weekend either before he moves in or soon after. They teach you how to break down the barriers to effetive communication, and how to talk so the other will really listen. The difference it makes in a couple is tremendous. We went 1 1/2 years ago, and we have been better ever since. Even friends remark about how happy we seem together. No one would have ever called us the model couple before Retrouvaille. But a friend told me that we were the model couple just this week. Weekends are listed on the website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org.
