Do I need to do another run down of my sitch? Well...the short version. H is openly having an affair that has been on again / off again since December. He decided in May that he loves the OW and is basically finished with me. Yet he still tells me that he loves me and doesn't want a D. I have decided that I can't live like this anymore and filed for divorce at the beginning of June. Meanwhile, since H's name is on the title of the house, he has the legal right to be here. So....we are sharing the house. He stays with his lover for however long he wants and then sleeps here at night. I am at my mom's house sleeping but am at the house during the day. I hate it.
Today I tried my best to GAL and move on. I figured out how to get to the St. Louis Galleria all by myself and actually drove there. This is a big deal to me because it is something I typically don't do. I usually would expect H to take me. But I went alone. I did a little shopping but didn't find what I went there for. But suddenly in the middle of it all, I got really depressed. I forced myself to keep going but eventually I couldn't hack it and went back to my car and bawled. I don't really know why except for doing things alone is sad. I told myself that this was a big step and as I keep doing this type of stuff it will be easier. I know that eventually the pain has to get less and less. Doesn't it? I mean, I realize that it is going to take me a long time to recover from this, and maybe a small part of me will always be broken, but surely a day will come where I can go shopping alone and not end up in tears. Next weekends adventure: first family get together without my H.
I have an appointment on Thursday with the lawyer to look over the settlement. I am looking forward to this. I need for all of this to end as soon as possible. I am also going to the doctor on Thursday. I haven't been sleeping right in 6 months. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic and can't get back to sleep.
This HAS TO get better....
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Hon, it will. We all have bad days and good days. On good days I feel almost normal. Though I do miss sharing my life with someone. You'll get there. I promise.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I know EXACTLY how you feel. It hasn't happened for awhile, but there were times when I'd be grocery shopping and I suddenly just had to get out before I lost it. The checkout line was a nightmare and suddenly all the produce was pointing a finger at me. The snicker bars and gum and tabloids seemed to size me up and find me wanting. I was pathetic and alone.
But it got better. I won't say it's all the way better. I went to the farmer's market this morning, and while I walked up and down the aisles and stopped to get my box of veggies, I didn't browse. I didn't pick up things and think, "Should I get this for dinner Tuesday night?" For awhile I was getting fresh flowers to help cheer up the house and, by extension, my mood. But lately I've walked straight past them.
But, I haven't had to leave because I was so sad for awhile. My life is in flux and it's beginning to coagulate around other centers. I think it was moving and setting up an entirely new place that really helped me get past the past.
Anyway, don't know if this helps. Good luck with the L. My W was so happy to go have a L take a look at our agreement on Friday. She wants me to sign it today - no time like the present, eh?
lodo
PS - I think you're right. There's a part of us that will never recover from all of this. It's too bad, but it's reality. From here on out everything will be new.
Sara, I know it was difficult for you today, but it will get better. You are going to be happy again. I am absolutely certain. This is just a tiny moment in the history of you.
You've come a long way, baby.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Thanks. You all are so encouraging to me. I was doing so well. Went 3 whole days without shedding a tear. Then I don't know what happened to me today. Before all of this happened, I used to LOVE doing things alone. I guess now that I don't have much of a choice, I just hate it. But I am still proud of myself for finding the St. Louis Galleria all by myself and going in there and doing some shopping. I keep reminding myself that was a huge step for me. Even if it did end in tears, it was still a big step forward for me and that counts for something.
H got mad because I said I wouldn't put his clothes in the dryer for him. He hung up on my yesterday because I told him that he didn't seem to understand that we are getting divorced and I am not there to help him anymore. I think I am going to turn off the fuse so that he can't use the washer and dryer any longer. I really hate how he takes advantage of me even when I work hard for him not to.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
You know what Sara? I did the same as you with the sleep. I went probably 7 months where I didn't sleep for longer than a couple hours at a time and I woke up most mornings between 2:30 and 3:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. It was affecting my job (how couldn't it?). It was affecting my relationship with my kids. It was affecting my relationships with my family. Still can't be at my mom's house longer than a few hours without NEEDING to leave. She doesn't know. She loves WW like a daughter. Having all boys herself she treats her daughters-in-law like they're her own. It would KILL her if I told her so I'm holding off until I know whether we're going to make it or not.
Anyway, I digress. Normal sleep came for me once I stood up to WW. Once I decided I didn't give a chit whether we made it or not I began sleeping better. Don't get me wrong, I still have my nights, but all in all I sleep well. And I think you will too. Once you're in YOUR house without your H invading your privacy, I think you'll sleep just fine.
And just DON'T let him take advantage of you. The only way someone can take advantage of you is if you let them. Don't.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Girl, you made it to the Galleria and back, even with Highway 40 closed. You rock!!!!
Crying is ok. Next time you go out, you might not cry. Heck, all last summer, I cried on the way to a movie, sometimes IN the movie, and on the way home. But I went. And now I don't cry. You can do this. The alone-ness can be so hard to deal with, I know this.
I don't really know why except for doing things alone is sad
Yes it is hon, and this whole thing is way too fresh, the first year of doing things alone will be hard, I went recently camping with kids for the first time without stbx, and it was hard looking at all the families. From time to time I just wanted to bawl, I let myself cry for a bit...but afterwards, I always felt better (and I made sure I called a friend who knew my sitch and who listened).
He expects you to do his laundry??? what a tool! what is wrong with him? he'd lucky you haven't torched his clothes at this point! sheeeesh!
Quote:
There's a part of us that will never recover from all of this.
I refuse to believe this, I dont' want anyone to have such power over me. Will I remember with some sadness perhaps, 10yrs for now and think of what might've been? yes, but by God's grace, I will heal and live the life God intended for and for my kids. I know it seems impossible right now to think like this, but it is possible and we all deserve it. An awesome book that is helping me heal is "healed without scars" by David Evans which talks about this very topic, how to heal from life's worse traumas. It is the best book I've read so far about healing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
But I am still proud of myself for finding the St. Louis Galleria all by myself and going in there and doing some shopping. I keep reminding myself that was a huge step for me.
Hi Sara, this really resonated with me. When I first moved out of the house I had to get a lot of stuff to replace things I'd left behind. I went to Ikea and as I wheeled around my cart, filling it up with basic housewares, I suddenly was overwhelmed with how pathetic I felt. It was awful and I felt so alone. I couldn't discuss choices with anyone, I couldn't afford to replace the expensive things we'd received for our wedding with something identical, and I just felt like I had a big sign around my neck saying, "DIVORCING".
But things get better. You have to trust that. Sorry H isn't being realistic about the D.
lodo, oh my, I know what you are feeling. Sometimes, without my ring on, I think people notice and judge immediately (when I am with my girls). Like I wear a sign saying "Couldn't keep my man".
