My MLC wife and I have been physically and legally separated for a year now. I have been DBing since day one. Throughout this whole time she has harboured a consistent anger towards me. Whenever we've had a R talk (less than 6 in the past year and I don't initiate), she mentions all my failings within the past marriage.
I was not a perfect husband but damn close and it hurts to hear the things she says about me. She has done far worse to break up the marriage than I have. I listen compassionately validate the best I can and don't get angry or blame. But its taking its toll on my self esteem. If you hear this stuff over and over again and don't defend yourself, you start believing it. Or you feel that without defending you are just confirming to her, her perception of how bad you were.
I know this is part of the MLC script, they need to validate their decision to leave and their actions (she is dating OM) by demonizing the spouse. But I am so very frustrated. This anger is a road block to her seeing me who I really am, and any possibility of reconciliation.
Do I just wait it out and continue with what I am doing or am I allowed to respectfully disagree when she mentions something I don't believe is true? Will this anger ever end?
I can’t really answer your question as to what you should do, all I can say is that I decided not to allow my H to spew out all of his venom to me. I did not allow him to try and convince me of the history that he had re-written. It was too painful. I chose to go no contact (as far as is humanly possible with a child) and let him sort out his ‘issues’ about our R himself.
It seems harsh to just block it all out but I had a son to raise and was already feeling bad enough about our marriage breakdown without him trying to convince me it was all my fault.
Do what is best for you. If it makes you feel bad talking to her then don’t do it. I feel there is little point arguing with her about what she says and thinks, her feelings are hers anyway. I tend to say to my H you have your truth, I have mine. The reality is that the REAL truth is somewhere in the middle …
You have done well to cope with it for a year.
The anger doesn’t last forever.
Nutty.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
I've avoided being affected by the anger by going dark, LRT and tried to detach for the last year. This was healthy for me. Lately she has been initiating communication more and has even asked me to attend a sporting event with her. First time we did anything together in the last year except the occasional coffee. She may be trying to reconnect, I don't know, however it is harder to detach the more communication there is.
In many ways my R is better now than it has been for many years.
He is kinder and more respectful to me than he was when we were together; he also does so much more with our son.
I agree totally that when they want to reconnect things get more difficult. That is part of the reason I am still holding my H at arms length.
You seem to be doing well at the moment if she is asking you to do things with her for the first time in a year. Do you see that as a positive sign?
It kind of sounds like you are afraid of being drawn in by her in case she hurts you again…?
Nutty.
Last edited by Nutty Chick; 06/19/0810:10 PM.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
I see it as a positive sign ... might have been triggered by the fact that since we have now been physically separated for a full year, either spouse can file for divorce and it cannot be contested. Maybe she is afraid I will file.
Originally Posted By: Nutty Chick
It kind of sounds like you are afraid of being drawn in by her in case she hurts you again?
Not really it was just easier when going dark. The plan used to be simple, minimal contact, don't initiate. Now it is a balancing act between initiate/don't initiate/go light/go dark, etc.
Don't talk to her, you will be better off, trust me. If she wants to put it back together, she will let you know. Nothing you can do to speed the process.
I'll try to avoid the R talks (where anger comes out) at all costs. If she start to talk about R I will just change the subject. The other lighter talks I won't avoid as she is now initiating and I don't want to discourage that.
Wish I knew how long the anger will last. The longer it takes the more damage is done as it is the catalyst for things (like OM) that just build a wider chasm between us.
I know this is part of the MLC script, they need to validate their decision to leave and their actions (she is dating OM) by demonizing the spouse. But I am so very frustrated. This anger is a road block to her seeing me who I really am, and any possibility of reconciliation.
Shellshocked, I really am sorry you are having to go though this terrible ordeal but it is all par for the course of MLC.
I really have never read any of your other threads so I am not familiar with your story so I don;t want to say anything out of turn, but you say something in your post that really struck a nerve with me.
Quote:
I was not a perfect husband but damn close and it hurts to hear the things she says about me. She has done far worse to break up the marriage than I have.
We could all say that very same thing.....but in all honesty there is some truth to the things she complains about.
What changes have you made?
What are you working on for yourself?
What character flaws do you have that could be tempered?
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I agree the best move is to go dark/no contact if possible. When they're in anger stage it's a no-win sitch. I also agree there is nothing you can do that will affect the timeframe in any way.
If you can an added benefit will be the increased impact of the self-improvements you have made when she does see you.
I wish I could/would have gone completely dark for the first year of our sep at least. We have two kids and it just wasn't possible.
"Run Silent, Run Deep" (I love old WWII movies)
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Brandnewday here's a lomg recap and what I've been up to in the last year.
Recap June 2005 First Bomb:
Her complaints towards me at that time were that I did not assume my proper share of the work around the house, I was controlling and that I was consumed by my hobbies and she wished that I made her my hobby. I was shell shocked as I never considered the possibility that we would not be together forever. I researched her emotions at the time to try to diagnose what was going on and thought that it was a mid life crisis. Unfortunately I did not know of DB and how to deal with it.
Things were ugly for a couple of months during which she wanted to move out for a month to think things through. She never did when push came to shove she told me she did not want to move out. For the last two years I took everything to heart that she complained about me. I felt like a terrible husband and responsible for bringing us to this point. As a result I spent the last two years changing to address all her complaints. I assumed as much of the work around the house as I could, I paid all the bills, I was the parent that spent the most time on my daughter, I focused on my W completely to make her my hobby and I encouraged her to spend time on herself to “further” her personal goals. I use the word “further” because she already had alot of her own time to pour into work and pursue her career which was very successful and also spend time training for and competing in triathlons and marathons. During the last two years her training hours increased while still spending quite alot of hours at work. During this time it felt like the marriage was saved as there was no further talk of leaving. It seemed like things were back to normal. However, I noticed that after two years of putting all this effort into the marriage she was not equally reciprocating. When I approached her about this she said she had no energy to put into the marriage and we now ended up back where we were two years ago. The last two years in my mind did two things (1) It proved that I could change but unfortunately I was making changes in response to MLC influenced complaints rather than valid complaints (2) It put the MLC to sleep only to be awoken once again when I brought up the subject of not contributing equally to the M.
June 2007 Second Bomb:
She said she felt controlled by everyone and wanted me to move out for a month during which she would decide what to do with the rest of her life. This included career goals (she did not know where her career which peaked two years ago was going) her parents (they are old and sick and becoming quite dependent) and the M.
I agreed thinking that if I didn’t things would just get worse. A week after I moved out she called to meet with a separation agreement that she compiled herself. We have been physically separated ever since and have completed a legal separation.
June 2007 until now:
When you separate and leave the matrimonial home your whole life is turned upside down, you no longer have the emotional relationship with your spouse, you no longer have the home you worked so hard on and you know longer have someone doing the things in the marriage that your spouse took care of . There are a lot of issues to deal with in a separation in addition to the emotional loss of a spouse. I spent the last year turning my life rightside up. I thought that if there was a chance of reconciliation I wanted to be in a position of balance where I was grounded in a new home, was self confident, was taking care of everything myself and that the only thing that needed to be discussed was the emotional aspect of a relationship. I didn’t want to be in the state of desperation I experienced in June 2007 with not knowing how I was going to live.
I lived the last year learning how to do all the things she did in our marriage so I could be independent. Things like how to buy a house, financial investing, filing taxes, etc. I spent the last year learning all these things and did not once need to ask her for any advice. I stayed active with hobbies, completed my SCUBA certification, completed my private pilot licence and exercised (swim, bike and run). This summer I am doing triathlons and have a trip planned to climb Killimanjero.
I am both proud and happy with myself. I know how to take care of myself and will be able to move on if I have to. I have detached significantly and do not get as upset or angry as I used to. I have also learned patience and compassion more than I imagined possible for me in light of the events that have occured. I realize there are always two sides to each story and you are never 100% right. However, I still really miss my wife and would like my future to be with her.
