I have been dark for the last year and I think it was the best way to be for that period of time. But things are different now as she is starting to come around. She is generally nice and only angry when she talks of the relationship. If she is reconnecting then I feel "dark" may not be appropriate based on the new dynamics. I think "dim" is probably a better approach.
However, I feel that dim requires much more skill than dark.
"When the flame is rampant the moth must totally avoid the flame to not get burnt. However, the moth's goal is not to avoid the flame forever. So if the flame softens the moth must try to get close enough to the flame to feel its warmth but not too close to get burnt."
Boy is that ever "mushy". I wouldn't have been able to write that a year ago.
I would just walk away! You certainly do not need to be dragged into the storm. Just say, I am sorry you feel that way and walk away. It is tough but can be done.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
My ex is coming out of the anger stage, but when he was in it the best approach for my situation was to end the conversation/interaction right then and there. Ingnoring it seemed to get him more agitated.
He eventually learned that if he wanted to see me or talk with me he had to be appropriate.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I thought we were supposed to listen to them and validate their feelings with things like, I understand, I am sorry you feel that way. Then eventually the anger would diffuse. But maybe I just need to walk away as suggested instead. It would be a 180 and something new to try. I guess in the end there is nothing you can do about their anger except wait it out.
They take out their anger on the LBS because it is safe to do so.
On the other hand....
The LBS can only take so much and should not allow themselves to be abused.
There were times when my Husband really needed someone to listen to him, and even though he spewed, I kept my mouth shut. IF he began to cross the line, I told him to take it down a notch so that I could listen properly.
If he didn't, I would hang up the phone and tell him to call me once he calmed down a bit.
I began to enforce my boundaries, and in all honesty, he really did comply with them most of the time.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
It is all a huge balancing act.... There were times when my Husband really needed someone to listen to him, and even though he spewed, I kept my mouth shut. IF he began to cross the line, I told him to take it down a notch so that I could listen properly.
I like that advice .... It allows you to be compassionate but without being a doormat.
My sister in law the lawyer/family counselor told me that the best thing to do was to say, I am sorry you feel this way and walk away.
If you stay and listen, chances are you will take the bait and get into an argument with your spouse. I finally learned to walk away. Thank God it did not last long, that anger stage.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
In some ways you are right SF, it can be easier to take the higher ground and walk away.
But... there are also alot of things that the MLC'er says that are actually true, and for those things we need to take responsibility and make those changes.
We all contributed something to the demise of our Marriages.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
When my H was in the anger stage, he really did not say things about me. Instead, he made up very strange things such as accusing me of funneling money from our account and said the bank verified it. I one upped him and called the bank in his presence and they were laughing. He got irked when I proved him wrong. It was the strangest thing ever and where he got that from who the heck knows. When he would get angry, it was at all of us as he was so paranoid, thinking we were always staring at him funny, that sort of thing.
I think paranoia set in with my H more than anything and as a result, he imagined things.
The demise of our marriage? He maintained all along we had a good marriage and that he was happy! Even his probation officer over a year ago would tell me he was a tough cookie to crack because she would try and get him to open up about things and he always said he did not know why he did the things he recently did, marriage was good, does not know why he was cheating on wife.
I think their minds become so twisted and warped that anything is possible.
Last edited by steelersfan; 06/20/0803:05 PM.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
