How do you deal with the MLC Anger?

[shell-shocked]

I tend to say to my H you have your truth, I have mine. The reality is that the REAL truth is somewhere in the middle …

One of the things I learnt from the things my MLC W says about the M that were different from the way I remembered them, was that two people can experience the same event and come away with different perspectives. Neither is completely right or wrong ... the truth is somewhere in the middle. This realization has allowed me to be more receptive when she talks.

[Dawn of Hope]

I too would really like to know how best to deal with the MLC anger. I've been getting it almost constantly for about 7 years, although it wasn't so bad at the beginning. If I'm not willing to deal with at least irritation/defensiveness, I can't ask even the most innocuous questions that I have no ulterior motives for whatsoever.

I remember when all of this mess began, I was pouring out my heart about it to a couple who are dear friends of mine, and I asked a question, and the man thought carefully for a moment and then answered my question calmly, and it wasn't until I realized how surprised/relieved I was that he could just calmly answer a question for me, that I really understood just how bad things had gotten with H's anger (although he wasn't physically or verbally abusive, although possibly emotionally abusive; I don't really know about that). For a long time--about seven years--I have had to walk on eggshells with him regarding asking quesions, although the severity of the problem has varied. I am pretty tired of feeling like I have to swallow down any questions that come to mind--either that or risk his sniping at me for no discernible reason.

By the way, I'm new here (although have been lurking for over 6 months), and would welcome comments on my situation:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1519338#1519338
Peace, and thanks,
Dawn

[ReDesigner]

It hurts to hear all the complaints, it's true. It can damage your self-esteem and confidence, unless you work on re-building your sense of self. It was happening to me for years. Until I re-built my self, I couldn't develop a coat of armor to deal with all the bitter attacks. Now it is a lot easier after being away from the constant drubbings.

A few years ago, after discovering his EA online, we attended a "Getting the Love You Want" workshop presented by the Imago therapist in our city. I'd also read the book and it was very helpful. A useful technique, but takes practice - is called the Mirror technique. I sometimes use that when people, anyone not just the S is spouting off complaints, especially ones that don't make any sense to me or that I feel are totally misguided. However, in the Imago workshop, we also learned to try to put ourselves outside the angry words. If we can separate ourselves from the verbal attacks, there is good information that could actually help you. It takes a lot of emotional courage and strength but with practice, like in sports, it improves!

The mirror technique helped me by paraphrasing back to the other person what they accuse and complain. It shows the words are being heard by the partner. Take nothing personally. If it is being taken personally, then you know that there is actually a grain of truth in what your S is saying, which may be why you feel so affected. You can try to do this by starting out saying: "So if I understand you correctly, you're saying that I don't help you enough with the housework..." Sometimes when you're paraphrasing and they hear their own words from the outside in, they'll retract, saying - no, that's not what I said. If that happens, two things are going on here - either you've paraphrased and missed the point or they're hearing and understanding is contradictory or doesn't make sense. Mirroring can help to diffuse an angry person, but the opposite can also be true, so be selective when it's used.

Often I found that I didn't quite understand what the complaint was in the first place. In the case of a MLC'er, they're so confused, they can't put the finger on exactly what is bugging them, either. They just feel miserable and they're projecting it on you. Sometimes we don't register the complaint when it's the same old thing repeatedly. Also, after a long time together, you just get used to knowing that complaint so you stop reacting or lose the motivation to do anything about it.

I wouldn't recommend "mirroring" every conversation because you can also start to annoy the other person, which can lead to them clamming up or enraging them further.

If you get the Harville Hendrix book, Getting the Love You Want, the description of the technique and its follow-up is there. I found it was better to witness it demonstrated at the workshop. I've seen it result in a sense of relief for couples, at finally being heard.

In the case of MLC, I feel the anger is the undercurrent of long-simmering resentments and as we are witnessing, it's the S's many unaddressed childhood issues coming out. For those things, we're not responsible. Our resemblance to their offending caretakers is what is happening according to Imago theory. That's why regaining one's sense of separate and strong self-identity is vital in dealing with the MLC'er. We're not those people who hurt them. I can see that now.

Anyway, that's one technique I used that proved useful sometimes. It's a small step.

Good luck with everything. Leave the rest to God.

[sleeper]

"Our resemblance to their offending caretakers is what is happening according to Imago theory."

My X looked up at me as we were lying in bed and called me "daddy" about one week post-bomb. She explained it away by saying she was overly tired.

Her biological father had a sexual relationship with her for years while she was in elementary school.

[shell-shocked]

ReDesinger

Thanks for the post. Lots of good points to consider. I will definitely try the mirroring technique and see how it goes.

Sleeper

My W was never validated by her Father and this is one of her big unresolved issues. I hope she doesn't see me as her Father.