I am going to compose a list of requirements I deem necessary to entertaining the ideal of reconciliation. This decision is in response to some suggestions I have received on this site.
I believe my stbx has put the ball in my court with her reconciliatory tones recently and I have not responded properly. Maybe it's cycling, maybe not. Either way, I don't think my conscience will rest until I do this. I don't believe her response will be favorable, but it will give me a piece of mind I need. If by chance a miracle occurs and she does agree and shows sincere effort, then I will seriously consider it.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
wow, tom! just caught up on your situation. my my. so what is on the list?
Hi M,
Yep, she's hinted twice now on reconciliation. She's testing the waters I guess. I've not entertained the ideal whole heatedly and I'm thinking maybe I should at least see how serious she is about it.
First and foremost on the list is the most obvious.. No contact with OM.
It's that first one I believe will trip her up. I think she will try to reason that she is "ONLY FRIENDS" with him like she's been saying all along. What is it about that BS? Do they think we're idiots or something? "Awwwww, isn't that sweet, that puts my mind at ease that your only FRIENDS" LOL!
IM still forming the list, but that first one will set the tone for all the others. Of course I'm going to recommend counseling, but I'm not going to beat her over the head on that one, I can gently persuade her in that direction if we can get over that first hurdle.
Seriously M, I don't even know if I want to face the work this will require of me, let alone her. I may be asking you for some advice here in the future since your experienced in this area.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Tom, just the one OM, or the con and the first ex?
I admire your ability to put this in a rational perspective and make a decision based on what you want. So many never get there, it seems. And I hope you get everything you want.
It's that first one I believe will trip her up. I think she will try to reason that she is "ONLY FRIENDS" with him like she's been saying all along. What is it about that BS? Do they think we're idiots or something? "Awwwww, isn't that sweet, that puts my mind at ease that your only FRIENDS" LOL!
Astimegoeson,
I would approach it this way....... If you intend to have a monogamous romantic relationship with me, I need to establish boundaries...... Any male "friends" must go......... It is cool to have female friends..... End of statement...
You can flame away guys about it be "controlling" or whatever..... HOWEVER, most relationship experts would understand having opposite sex friends opens way too many doors... Especially for someone who has had As in the past...
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
As a married woman, yes, I have some male friends. But I learned long ago, when I was single, that often one half of a "just friends" R wants more. Plus, with my experience with my H's affair and all of you here, I know how easily "friends" can turn into something else. So I keep very strict rules about my friends.
- My H ALWAYS knows about any contact, email or otherwise. - My H is ALWAYS invited to join us if he's available - I wouldn't have contact with anyone that made my H uncomfortable
The grand total of my "male friends"? - one guy I have known since I was 15, who is married and lives in another state. On the rare occasions (maybe once a year) that his work brings us to our town, have had dinner or lunch with him (sometimes with H, sometimes without, depending on H's availability).
- the male half of a couple I met about 30 years ago. We see both when they come to our town, but more often see him as he is in sales and travels here. He will see us both, or H alone, or me alone for lunch - whomever's available.
There really isn't anybody else(male) I don't socialize with as a couple. And bear in mind I have NEVER cheated on my H.
As for your list, how about: - no contact with either OM - complete transparency - email accounts, cell phone, etc. - date for a year without living together - STD tests
I also will add that once there has been adultery involved, you have to be a little more firm than just a normal break up. No other men is well within your rights in order for you to redevlop trust together.
Well, I have the list which is pretty similar to Ellie's except for...
- I need time to find out if there is still love in my heart for you, because I can't find it right now.
I have not discussed the list to her and I'm not sure if I want to. Last night, she went over to my Sister's to watch the fireworks display. This is an annual thing for my Family. She still loves the interaction with my Family because we are just fun people to be around. My family is not judgmental and let's face it, with 8 siblings, your going to have a few ex's. We are a close family and we are very functional which wasn't/isn't the case with her family. My stbx(?) tells me often how she misses my Family.
I almost didn't go over to my Sister's this year and I told her I probably wasn't going to make it this year. I was invited to another party a good friend of mine was having. He invites me every year and I can't make it most the time for one reason or another. I went over there first during the late afternoon, then right before the fireworks display, I went over to my Sister's. I wanted to be with my S8. When I got there, my S8 was ecstatic and ran up to hug me. Everyone greeted me.. a hug, a joke, and a laugh. This included my stbx (?). She looked me right in the eye and said...
"I was just thinking about you this very moment, and there you are on queue!" It doesn't feel the same here without you. I'm glad you came"
I didn't respond except with a smile and a nod of acknowledgement. I didn't know what to say to be honest. I'm still a little taken back with all of this.
We sat there and watched the fireworks from my Sister's back yard. We had a few beers and joked around, we talked, nothing really to do with reconciliation, just very relaxed and friendly talk.
I'm really struggling with this. I don't know if I still have feelings for her and I'm really enjoying my life the way it is now. I feel guilty and selfish about that. There was a time I would have taken her back in the wink of an eye, but I'm afraid to now. There is a battle raging in my conscience and the outcome is not clear at this point.
I need time to think about this. What do I say to her next time she hints at reconciliation that will give me time? I don't want to completely close the door on her, but I'm not ready to jump back in just yet.
There is something I have not been honest with everyone about. I have mentioned her in previous post, but I have not given a valid description of how involved we are. I've been intimately involved with OW since last march. She treats me like an absolute king and she is just smokin hot. She is definitely pushing my bad boy buttons.. lord have mercy on me. I think this may be influencing my judgement. I thought we were toast for sure. I held off on intimacy for almost 2-1/2 fricken years before I became involved with this OW. I tried to save my M, I thought it was over for sure. I'm weak!
Damn... maybe I'm going through MLC now.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
