Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

So I met with H. I felt tense the whole time, but tried to be as pleasant and friendly as possible. We mostly talked about logistical stuff concerning the girls. H looked really handsome and there were all these shlocky love songs playing in the restaurant ("Endless Love") I had a lump in my throat and after we said goodbye (no hug, no nothing), I burst into tears alone in the car.

I still don't know what happened to my former H, the one in the photos I've been looking at. He seems to have lost his sense of humor, which was such a huge part of him. He's got this coldness and emptiness about him. It's so sad and a little scary, really. Is it MLC illness or depression or do people just change sometimes, as he said?

I left feeling like I wish I had a date with someone to look forward to. I want that kind of admiration/appreciation again in my life--though I can't picture how I'll ever find it or trust it if I do find it.

[newnamenewlife]

It's been a long time since I posted twice in one day. I seem to be having a relapse of sad, mad, hurt feelings. It's been almost two months since H moved out. For the most part, I've been fine--better than fine, in fact. I had this today-is-the-first-day-of-the-rest-of-your-life feeling. I was incredibly relieved to have H gone after all those months of tension. I kind of liked having my bed and bedroom to myself.

I thought things would only get better and better as time passed, but today I feel just awful. I met with H for bkfst (see above post) to talk about logistical stuff and I've been feeling weepy all day. It's not that I really had any hopes of reuniting, but seeing him and seeing how cold and unmoved he still is by me--it just hurts, still.

We were talking about D11's upcoming birthday and H was saying how his parents and cousins are coming to his place on Thursday to celebrate her bday. I didn't show it at all, but later I just felt so horribly left out of his whole family.

Then, this afternoon, H's parents dropped my Ds off after having them for almost a week. They were completely sweet to me, chatty, kissed me hello. My MIL reminded me that she's available to help out if I need her--and yet I kind of gave them the cold shoulder. Nothing overt, but I again felt like his whole family is with the S program and I am still hurting and feeling left out of this family I've been part of for almost 20 years.

I am hurt that my FIL has never acknowledged our S to me, really. Recently, H's aunt and cousin (who live nearby and we see all the time) called about something or other and neither of them acknowledged the S to me either--asked me how I was doing, said they were sad to hear about it. NOTHING.

Then D11 and I were talking and I told her dad and I met this morning for breakfast and she asked Why? I said we had stuff to talk about as far as the fall schedule, etc. She asked where we went, what else we talked about. Then she asked me how things were going to work during the school year. Because of her earlier school start time and new far-away location, it's very complicated. I explained it to her and she put the pillow over her head and said "This is all your fault--yours and
daddy's"

I (stupidly) said "actually it's mostly daddy's fault."

Then D11 said "I know you didn't want the S in the beginning, but now you're glad it's this way, right?"

That's her usual line of questioning--she really wants to know that I actively want the S now, even if I didn't at first. She also balks at any suggestion I make about all four of us having dinner or Xmas together. She doesn't seem to want us to reunite, like most kids do (even though, again, H&I didn't fight).

I know she's a kid, but with everything else--seeing H, seeing my in-laws, hearing about the bday party to which I am not invited--I just feel completely left out and heartbroken all over again. My daughter doesn't even want her dad and I to get back together. (D7 does, but doesn't talk about it that much.)

(But please--before anyone tells me to GAL or let go, understand that MOST OF THE TIME I am not like this anymore. Notice how rarely I post lately. I am just having a really bad, sad day that I hope will pass.)

[newnamenewlife]

bump^

[newnamenewlife]

I've been in terrible shape these past few days. The other day my D11 had a total meltdown about H. She sobbed for 45 minutes that she hates him, that she wants to kill him, that if he loved her and us, he'd live with us. Shortly after that, H stopped by to say hi to the girls (as they has been away for several days with gparents). He came right in the middle of D's meltdown and 10 minutes later he had calmed her down--and then he left and we had dinner.

Later that evening, I (stupidly) lit into him in an email about how upset she was, how upset I was by the things she said. He (predictably) said she was just overtired from being away. He rapidly dismissed the entire episode.

So that has left me squirming--the things D11 said, H's dismissal, my repeated need to go down cheeseless tunnels, wanting a response from him that he'll never give.

Plus--tonight Hs parents, cousins and aunt are coming to his apt to celebrate my D11's upcoming bday (she will be on vacation with me for the actual day). As immature as it is, I feel horribly hurt and left out. It feels like they are all just getting on with it, forgetting about me and supporting H. I have been part of his family for 20 years and now they're just all proceeding without me and no one cares. I know it should be about my D's bday and not my feelings, and that makes me feel even worse--selfish and immature.

So I've been sobbing on and off since the middle of the night. I don't know how I let myself get back into this place and it's scaring me. When H first dropped the bomb, I was a mess, then he left and I felt much better for weeks and now I'm back to being a wreck.

I guess the bottom line is that I feel like I can't get past being told by H for years that he adored me, loved me, all that--and then--boom--he doesn't love me anymore, can only be happy if he leaves me, and has been feeling this was for much longer than he's let on.

I can try to dismiss it as MLC, I know it's pointless to torture myself by re-living it over and over--and yet, that's what I'm doing. Because of my personal past (father who committed suicide when I was 6 after treating me like his adored, golden child) it's all just too resonant and painful sometimes. I have deep, deep feelings of being not-enough, of being a disappointment, etc--and all the GALing and positive steps I take can't really ever erase that feeling.

[newnamenewlife]

and, yes, I already take ADs and have a therapist.

[Separated]

(((lmg)))

I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this but I think it is completly normal...part of that whole rollercoaster ride they keep talking about. You are going to have up days where everthing feels completely fine then those down days where you can't get him out of your head and you feel like crying all day.

Just stay strong and vent on here!! That always makes me feel a little better. Try to get your mind off of it, go for a walk or pop in one of your favorite movies. If you can call a friend tell them you are feeling a little down and they can come by or you guys can hang out and that will keep your mind off of things for a bit.

[LolaL]

Dear Love: I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I know this is a terrible time, and it is hard when the IL's just support the WAS and don't remember that there is a family behind all of this!

I find that in the moments when I feel this low, praying really helps. I pray for everything these days, even when it is just me having a rough day and praying for the strength to get through it.

It is horrible when you are stuck in that state of limbo and you don't know which way to turn. I am not a preachy Christian or anything like that, but I will tell you listen to that little voice...I really believe it is God's voice, and it won't steer you wrong.

(((Love))) Sometimes, you just gotta cry...

[newnamenewlife]

Thanks. I hope I feel better because right now I'm just a total mess. I can't stop remembering the many many ways H told me "I don't love you."

I feel like I will never get over that. It's the worst thing that has ever happened to me--to lose the love I believed in for so many years, to be told it was a lie. I just don't know what to do. I can distract myself and I know my life will go on and I won't always feel as horrible, but I will never, ever erase those words--and the fact of H no longer loving me--from my memory. I can't bear that I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

Plus, last night I was at a friend's house and we went on a dating website just for fun and all the men seemed ugly or stupid or idiotic, or all three. As angry as I feel toward H right now, I can't imagine I will ever meet someone as smart and funny, who made me laugh as hard and who got my sense of humor too. I just can't stand it.

[tmi]

Hey, lmg ~ busy month, so I'm just catching up. I've changed my display name and removed the detail from my signature but it's still me, Ingrid.

Of course you've had times when you feel horrible and sob. That's a normal reaction to learning that the solid ground you thought you were standing on all these years is actually quicksand. The man you were married to does seem to be gone and you're mourning as you would a death.

Your H did love you in those years. What he's going through now doesn't have much to do with you, it's his own journey. It's so easy to blame your partner for everything that's wrong, because then you don't have to take responsibility for the hard work of getting to know yourself, warts and all, and actually touching the wounded areas you've been avoiding.

It sounds as though the reality of the whole thing is sinking in for your girls too, and maybe even your H. One of the DB counsellors warned me that my H would probably seem to be very happy with his decision to leave. He's still here, so I haven't tested that theory, but it seems to be a common reaction, at least until the actual grind of living separately sets in.

You matter, just because you are alive and you are a human being, whether you are married or not. You will get through this and come out stronger, and it's possible that your M will be a better one in the end, too.

[newnamenewlife]

Good to hear from you, Ingrid!

The girls and I are up at my family country house for the first time ever without H. I have been alternately fine and then really, really sad, flooded with memories, noticing all the little ways H had an impact on the house. I was amazed that he actually shared in an email that he was having a hard time with us all being here, that he missed being here and that he was "feeling it acutely."

Of course, he didn't say he missed ME, just being up here. But it was good to hear him admit to feeling SOMETHING, given how cold and detached he has seemed.

It's hard being a single mom up here. We have friends up, but so many tasks were delegated to H (splitting wood for fires, grilling, just to name a couple of things) that I now have to do in addition to all the other stuff I do.

I feel very sexless as a single mom, too--maybe it's having to be more macho than usual. My friend was here with her H and I asked him for help with lots of things that H used to do. I feel kind of like a charity case, even though I know that is my own problem and not how I'm perceived.