Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

But in the end, they are going to see who and what he is on their own.

I wish I believed this--but I don't. He's a good dad to them, and, being kids, that's all they really care about. They know I didn't want the S, but they'll never hold it against him that he left me and treated me so badly. He doesn't think he treated me badly--he just fell out of love, and sometimes that happens, but what was he supposed to do, stay? Even though he was unhappy? (this is is thinking.)

My latest worry is that he is going to take furniture from our/my home to his new rental--but that he won't even think to take any pictures of our 19 years together.

I hate him. Maybe it means I still love him--I don't know. It's hard to tell if I really have feelings for him, or if I am just so wounded by being rejected. It's such a blow to the ego--and, yet, I think objectively, I'm considered the better "catch" and a lot of people think he's insane to give me up.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((lmg)))))

Kids are smart. They will always love him, but they will know what he did, too.

Try not to make what he takes or doesn't take about you. His brain isn't really working that well, don't give him credit for actually thinking about it!

I have a feeling that you are the catch!

[newnamenewlife]

In order for me to detach more, I need to see him less--whether that's DBing or not. For now, I need distance, no-contact. As it is now, I see him at least once, sometimes twice a day--which MUST STOP. Even if I act as if, it's very stressful for me. I hate it. HATE IT.

Because of our Ds differing school locations and schedules, one of has to take each of them to school every morning. It's led to what I think are insanely complicated logistics, and it means that I have to see H constantly.

[newnamenewlife]

H is moving out for real on October 1. For the past three months, he had a furnished sublet. Now he's going to be taking a few pieces of furniture, books, etc--some of the stuff we bought together and have lived with together for over 17 years.

Am I supposed to find this easier than I do? I have been crying and crying. H just plows ahead with his plan, showing no emotion, no sorrow at what he's done--just a sense of entitlement, like it's his birthright to do this.

The other night, my D7 started sobbing about how she doesn't like having us separated. She was clutching the box with my wedding and engagement rings, and wanted to sleep with them. I had to pry them out of her hands. She called H, sobbing. I asked him about it the next day and he coldly said: "I can't let a 7 year old tell me what to do."

I keep trying to take the focus off him, to GAL more than I do (which is a lot). I am just dreading this final moving out--which is just two days after my 45th birthday. He initially moved out 4 days before our anniversary (and didn't acknowledge the day with even a sentence) and now this. It's just so painful.

And then he talks about his new apt as if I'm supposed to be pleased for him, maybe even going out to buy him a housewarming gift.

I hope after he moves, I can finally start to move forward myself. It's been such a horrible year.

[newnamenewlife]

where is everybody?

[tmi]

hey, lmg ~ just dropped in to check on a few people. I'm so sorry that you're still struggling. Things will eventually get better, although it may feel like it's taking forever right now.

Is there anyway to change the school/driving situation? Perhaps carpooling with another family so you don't have to see your H every day? Or just sending whichever daughter he is driving out the door?

Ingrid

[newnamenewlife]

Checking back in after about 5 weeks. It's such a rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel fine, confident, happy and optimistic. I joined a dating website just for fun and that has definitely been distracting--although I don't feel ready to actually meet anyone in person.

Other times, I feel dreadfully sad and lonely and like I have nothing to look forward to. I miss my H. I see him all the time, which makes it harder because I have to experience his indifference over and over again. I am not "standing" for our marriage anymore at all, but I am still heartbroken and feel betrayed/abandoned.

The impending holidays are really getting me down. H will have the girls for Thanksgiving and I have some invitations, but none of them seem appealing. I have spent the last 19 Tgivings with H and his family. He sort of half-heartedly invited me, but I can't imagine actually going.

So, there it is--some days fine and positive, others just miserable.