I don't think it's really hitting me that he's moving home yet. I think it won't hit me until next Saturday when the *stuff* starts coming back into the house.
My D17 has been gone this weekend to a softball tourney. When she got home tonight I told her the news. She was really happy. H and I were talking later about it. He was surprised, but happily surprised. (not sure why, because they are very close) He commented that he was really scared, that it's a lot of responsibility. I validated and let him know that I was scared also.
I know he's not coming home because I am *making* him. My telling him to either sh*& or get off the pot wasn't a complete surprise to him either. I've been warning him that I was coming to the end of my rope. I also know that when I woke up Saturday morning, I was prepared to follow through and was ok with following through. I love him with all my heart, I think when we're communicating well, that we're great together. However, I am past being the "girlfriend", I am more than someone for the good times. I love myself and my daughter enough to know that I deserve and if he wasn't able to give more than he was, then it was time for us to both move on.
He did have 2 conditions - 1. He wants a heads up before the boys come to visit (just the 2 oldest). Once in awhile dropping by announced is ok, but he wants advanced warning. Not a problem. The oldest moved out of state last month and the middle son is still getting his life together and has been respecting our boundaries about not coming to the house until he's in shape. 2. House locked when we're not home. That is even easier...I grew up in Sacramento, my house is locked even when I'm home.
I've made sure my needs we're discussed right up front also. My expectations on how things will be etc. The fact that he has finally realized that he's been projecting how his mother reacts to situations onto me, unfairly, was HUGE for us. My H does not have his own children, has never dated anyone with kids. His only experience with a single mother is his own. He finally realized that I am nothing like her except for being a single mom. That is where the comparison ends. That was a HUGE AHA moment. It moved his ability to communicate with me to the front of the class. The other thing he realized was that he had transfered his own needs for a father onto my boys, his feelings and his wants and desires. 2 Sundays ago we ran into my son with the drug problem while at the store, H was able to give him a genuine hug and tell him he loved him. My S was able to do that also (right now he's clean; I'm not holding my breath, but have a lot of hope)
We're crossing hurdles as they come up and right now we're doing ok with them.
OHHH! And I know I impressed the hell out of him yesterday. He bought a sandrail (dune buggy) last month. We took our close couple friend out yesterday for a ride. The H's went first, then the other couple went. The throttle broke on them and he couldn't figure out how to make it back and my H had to walk out and help him. My H has been wanting me to learn to drive the thing. So us girls decide we're going out after they get back and H fixes the throttle. He shows us how to jerry rig it if it breaks again. My gf is driving, it breaks. She wants to call the guys to come get us. I refused. This guy stops to see if we need help and wants to go get our H's I told him know. I go the cable looped back and tied off like H showed me; We're trying to get it to go by pulling the throttle by hand, finally figure out we need leverage and wrap it around the gear shift. That worked. So off we go back to the parking lot. Between the dunes and the lot are a lot of what they call whoopdee doos (ruts), well running the gas by hand is not easy and us girls were going a little too fast. We were laughing so hard as we're about flying out of the machine (thank god for seatbelts) the guys could hear us laughing over the noise of the buggy! (she was screaming at me to let off the gas LOL) We made it back, H was impressed and my gf told both the guys that she hasn't heard me laugh like that in years, that my laughter was making her laugh even harder because it made her feel good, like life was right again.
Anyway, I am not a mechanic, I am definitely a stereotypical girl, so I impressed myself and my H. That felt good. (and I had the added incentive that I wanted to one up the gf's H.)
Awesome, Amy! I am impressed as well! I'm very much "girlie" myself and don't know if I could've taken care of business the way you did! Woman, you rock!
You both being scared is perfectly understandable. Neither one of you want to hurt nor disappoint the other again. I think if you're able to discuss any and all issues as they arise the way that you have been, you two have nothing to fear. You've really come together, and that's so wonderful.
Hoping for nothing but the best to come your way, my dear, and that your son begins to heal so he can take better care of himself. My eldest niece had a drug problem for quite some time but seems to be getting her life back in order. She's been clean for almost a year and is getting M'ed next spring! So yes - there is always hope.
(((((((Amy)))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
(and I had the added incentive that I wanted to one up the gf's H.)