WAW#11

[LostPhil]

Wow what a Sunday. Nothing like cleaning 1500 square foot of hardwood floor on your hands and knees. I don't think it has been done since I installed it. I can tell walking barefoot on it now how clean it feels. Murphy's oil soap, what a wonderful product.

Well let me say that I did pretty well with my wife on Saturday. She tried to pick a fight over something stupid and I didn't let it affect me. I ended up sitting with her for a half hour and watched our daughters all star game.

Sunday was pretty much uneventful but she texted me two long paragraphs at 7 Am in the morning. I was still up, couldn't sleep. I responded back. She said our son was up all night sick do not call about church as they went to Saturday Night Mass. Said she would call later on. Of course she never did. She texted me a 4 and asked if I could take son to Dr's. tomorrow if she could get him in early.

Now I choose to not respond to this. Its a hot button. Always has been. I was always accused of never taking the children to the doctors for visits or occasional sickness. Same thing with her visits.

Dah, because I'm the working one. If I would go in late or take off work to do these things I wouldn't have a job. I also never take vaction days because I never know what is going on with my job. It's a year by year contract that is always in jeopardy. I always bank my vacation because I know that they would have to pay it out to me if I was laid off. That would be a mortgage payment.

Another case of damn if you do, damn if you don't.

Now if I would have responded to the text about the doctors. I believe she would have pushed me into a fight. She doesn't have to work until 10 AM. If she calls at 8 and gets him in then she should do it. She is so accomadating to her new job, but I should still make mine suffer. However my job is a career and it is still paying for all this. You get the point.

The other angle is by not responding she was going to respond back to me that I don't care about my kids.

Well on my way to work. I texted is he feeling better.

She texted back yes he is better.

Fights avoided on all ends.

I figured out what she does. She will look for anything to make a problem into it. If I walk the wrong way she'll say something.

I'm a little confused though. I asked her when her and I are going to get along and she said now. How? Stop picking fights with me.

Why then is she nit picking everything and making mountains out of mole hills?

About this schedule mess. Yes I know that if we had a better schedule plenty of our mess would be avoided.

She doesn't want to make a schedule. Because her life is not that planned. She is so disorganized. She couldn't even have a schedule. I believe they other part of not having a schedule is that she can fall back on these stealth tactics. Get me all fired up and using the kids as bait. Trying to make me look like the neglectful one.

One thing I did text her back on Sunday. I said you need to tell your work what schedule you want.

She didn't respond back to that.

On Sunday she also wanted five bucks to go to Burger King after the game. I refused and said calmly did you give me five bucks to take them to the movies last night. Well I'm going to take you to court and file for child support.

Well I thought you said we were not going to court. I said if you would talk to me in a adult like manner than plenty of this could be avoided. I gave you 5K already. How much more do you need? Do you want to agree on something.

She said that will never happen and she will never talk to me.

That was pretty much a standstill. However like I said I still sat there with her for a 1/2 hour. We had some small talk about our son's haircut.

I didn't respond to her anger and it made for a rather pleasant game watching.

I really think the woman is bipolar.

After the game. There was a bad accident and she got trapped behind the traffic. I was able to get through. I called her to warn her to go a different way. She isn't very good with directions. However I was able to talk to her about a different route.

We lost the connection. An hour later. I texted her. Did you get out of that mess ok. She said Yes. I said you the woman.

You know this is going to be a very difficult road. I had to grieve. I probally should not have posted all the dysfunctional effents on this board. However it may have sped up my learning process.

I had a very hard month. Now I feel like a great big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't care what she does anymore. She can act like an idiot.

One thing I noticed that became upbundantly clear to me is how my wife wears her makeup now. She used to wear it very softly with light browns and some color. Now she wears very very dark eyeliner around her eyes. It doesn't look good. It makes her look crazy. I really feel sorry for her. I mean she has changed drastically. People are noticing.

I had some friends come up to me yesterday when I went out to eat. They said they saw my wife and kids at Burger King. My friend said she looked like a distraught crazy woman.

That is just sad.

I also noticed that most of my problem with my wife and this seperation is the physical attraction. I told you I just would wear the womans skin, it never would matter how she acted.

Yes, I believe I tolerated her. Her behavior has got worse, and I was responding to that behavior to the point of seperating us.

Now I have plenty of work to do. I'm going to Man UP!

[LostPhil]

Nope, it just isn't happening. The woman is unreasonable.
I tried to make a schedule with her. We got to today. She works 4 till close. She said she would drop the kids off at her mothers. I said I would pick them up after 5. She said that wasn't early enough. My commute to her parents is 45 minutes from work. What time does she want me to leave work? Then with the back and forth talk she provokes me into anger. Because she is arguing with me over a time. Puts me on speaker phone on a cell phone. So I have to talk louder and I can't here what she is saying. One of my pet peeves is repeating myself. I end up calling her a name, and she hangs up on me. She text me I'll call you later when you are calmer.

Then I get stupid and text her friend the pig girl. THANKS.

Next thing I know I'm in a text war with the pig girl.

She spewed so much venom on me it wasn't even funny. Swearing like a trucker. I didn't return the insults. I just said I'm asking you for help. Help my family.

She spewed some more. You are a F'n alcholoic abuser and you need to stay away from her.

I say I'm the battered husband. Where you here?

More venom from pig girl. She is a text marathonist. I think she has a keyboard on her phone because she can text me a paragraph before I reply with one sentence.

Here is the problem. I think this girl is worse than another man. She is the other man. She talks like a man. She has the claws in my wife so deep it isn't even funny. I asked her to leave my wife alone and help my family. She always called me to fix her computer. She has continually made it worse for my wife and I.

This girls dad was an alcoholic. I believe that since my wife has expressed that I am one constantly to her she can only see what her father was.

The other bad part during the text marathon is that my wife texted me and asked me to stop texting her friend that she could not take it anymore and I was pushing her away even more. She said leave her alone she has to work tomorrow. It was only 10 PM. I know this girl stays up late, because she told me. Another double standard from my wife.

Now really. The only thing I texted to pig girl was thanks. Then all the bull crap started. She must have complained to my wife that I was texting to her.

Again I told my wife that I would fight through hell for her.

Is this an emotional affair? I really believe it has my wife trapped. I mean between the bull crap with her sister and this friend I do not have a chance.

I even called her parents. They of course will not talk to me. I just left them a message. I said I'm tired of your daughters selfish behavior and constantly being unreasonable. I'm trying to make a simple schedule with her and she fights with me. I said someone needs to talk to her and straighten her out.

I even called her cousin. The cousin she used to walk with all the time. She is the same age as my wife, has a good eduction and is a reasonable woman. I just left her a voice mail. Please help.

Before all this. I talked to her Aunt for an hour. My Aunt just says Phil I know how your wife is, she is very difficult to deal with and asks just like her mother.

The woman will not even talk to me about a simple schedule. I said I would like to schedule out the week so we don't have to deal with it all week. You see she does not want to do that. Because she wants an open schedule so that she can do what she wants. If something comes up then she can just dump the kids on me.

The woman is totally unreasonable. Her friend even worse.

I finally told my wife I didn't want her back. In my thoughts, I do not deserve to be treated this way. I do not deserve to be provoked, again and again. I do not deserve to have my kids go through this selfish behavior of hers.

I'm trying to do everything right. But I keep doing things wrong. There is nothing I can do right. Everything I do is wrong to her.

My wife just wants to be my enemy. She said she wanted to get along but she is giving me a hard time about an hour and a half. There is no compromise and this was just a one day event.

I could really use some help here from above.

I have been so depressed for two months, and I feel like I finally got out of it. After the bomb I was depressed for four months. Got out of it, and went back in after she left.

Lord release my wives friends grip on her. Bring peace to that womans hurt. Allow her friendship to guide her to you.

Divorce isn't even the issue. It is the unwillingness to make things work for the children. I think I may be forced into doing things I do not want to do. File for full custody of the children and fight her tooth and nail through the court system.

Everything that I want to avoid. How long is this punishment going to last for. At least if it is in the court system she can argue with the judge and lawyers and I can just sit there and be calm.

This is everything I do not want to do. I want to reconcile.

I don't even want to reconcile. I just want to be civil. I want to give these kids the best life possible. She can't even speak to me about one day.

I think she doesn't want a schedule because she wants to act like an irresponsible teen.

[NikB]

Are you looking for replies/help from us Phil, or just venting? I wanted to check before responding.

Sorry you're going through such a rough time.

[LostPhil]

NikB... I believe I'm venting. Not sure replies will help telling me to try things. I think I just need this board to support me while I vent. If they see something that doesn't look good point it out.

Thanks for responding. Really I don't know what to do. My wife just continues to be unreasonable. The kids are going to have a rough life if this continues. Trust me I lived it. My parents divorced when I was 4. My mother pulled some really rotten crap on my dad.

Yeah it is a rough time. I didn't deserve to be brow beat from her friend either. Because if that woman was a man I knock her damn head off for the way she talks to me. Oh wait that is how my wife talks to me.

Even now I texted the kids, asked how they were. Why does she control the phone. I got it to keep in touch with them. Not for her to have an electronic leash on me. What person needs two cell phones.

I really hope I don't end up in an isane asylum. lol....

Really I do feel better. I'm getting better everyday. Her behavior is so frustrating. I don't dwell on it and come down. I'm functioning again.

I should have not called her a name. That isn't bringing me any closer to my goal. It's just that she provokes so hard and so much she wants to do it. She pushes and pushes and then she'll she how you act. They want you to get to that point.

She said she wanted to get along. I could do it by not picking fights. That's the most insane thing I ever heard. I don't pick the fights. I try to solve them.

If you told her the sky was blue she would disagree with me. Unless someone else came along and said the sky is blue. Then she would believe them.

Can I scream at the top of my lungs....

OUCH!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Phil,

Have you read Divorce Busting yet?

Have you come across the term 'Cheeseless Tunnuels'?

It refers to doing the same thing and getting the same results, each and every time. Rats in a maze won't go down a tunnel that doesn't have any cheese because it is pointless, yet we do, we repeat the same pattern hoping that there is a reward.

The way you interact with your wife, produces the same results, everytime. If she isn't going to change, then you need to change some aspect to get better results. I am not saying change you, you aren't ready to hear that yet, I am saying change something, positive, about the way you interact with your wife. And maintain that change, because the second you go back to the old way your wife is justified in not believe you.

[NikB]

Hmm... there's a difference between supporting you while you vent, and pointing out things that don't look good. That's why I asked if you were looking for responses or not.

There is so much that doesn't look good I barely know where to start, but this stood out the most so I'll try this:

I don't pick the fights. I try to solve them.

I disagree - I think you often pick the fights, and make them worse. Blaming her for your behavior doesn't excuse your behavior.

What it looks like to me is that you try to convince her what the solution should be, and call her insane, idiotic, etc. when she disagrees.

If you told her the sky was blue she would disagree with me.

And even if it was a cloudy day and the sky was in fact gray that day... I bet you'd argue with her until it turned into an all out war that the SKY IS BLUE!!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Stop calling her family. Blood is thicker than water. You are not helping yourself with them. You are not going to convince or sway her family or friends to your way of thinking, and it makes you look desperate.

[LostPhil]

Yes Jack, I know all about cheesless tunnels. I have read the book. Everything is a cheesless tunnel. Michelle said in the book about trying everything. I obviously haven't tried everything I just feel like I have. I understand I just keep repeating the same things in a different context hoping for a different result.

Jack, really I know not to call her mom and dad. That is the biggest cheeseless tunnel. I was just so damn frustrated with her. My FIL and I were really really close. He doesn't even call me to see how I'm doing. I really lost all respect for them.

Really the friend thing is a trap. That girl caused more problem in my marriage and she continues to do it. However it is all well and good when she has a computer problem and she calls me for help. She is a user.

Man that just really rocked me though when she texted me her schedule. I am not a dog. Stop treating me like one.

NikB, Ok I pick the fights. Right I purposely told her there was only 12 players on D's team. Then she was all jacked at me because she didn't have enough free sundea cards to give out at the all star game. First of all I told her 15. Second I was not informed by the coach that the 8 and 10 year olds were playing together. The last game we had 13 girls. Besides it wasn't a big deal anyway. We just gave the under 8 girls the cards. I realise this is only one incident.

But yesterday. She told me she was going to drop the kids off at her mothers before 4, and she wanted to know what time I could be there. I said after 5. And she says it isn't early enough. She has no consideration for me. I leave work early all the time to accomadate her.

She purposly put me on speaker phone because she knows I hate it. I complain I can not hear. Then she is fighting with me about not being early enought. What time did she want me there?

It is all non sense. Nik Yeah and then I get to the point of doing something stupid. That is how the entire marriage has been. The harder I try to walk the straight line and not react she just pushes buttons. It builds. I think it was a build from Saturday at the game. Then the nonsense with son being sick, and her wanting me to accomadate her again. I have a career job. I can't just leave when I want too. Come in late when I want too. She has no consideration for me. She just continues to treat me like crap.

Nik, I knew you were going to bring up the sky is grey on a cloudy day thing. Did you ever see a grey shot of earth taken from space. Now please the sky is blue. Please don't send me a link to a grey imaged earth either.

The point isn't about the sky or what color it is. The point is the woman is going to make an arguement over everything and about nothing. Even If I do not respond to it. It builds. Then she'll find something else.

Same way with home improvements on the house. She would complain about four of five things needing done. When I finally did those four or five things there were another for or five things. The house is dusty... I just dusted it.

It's not about the dust. She is so unhappy with herself she looks for things she thinks are making her unhappy.

It is not whether about the sky is blue or grey...

Perhaps I do try to convince her what the solution should be, because she doesn't provide a solution.

Classic example. She is dropping the kids off at 4. What time can I be there. After 5. That isn't early enough. Ok, what do you want me to do. I just want you to tell me a time so I can tell my mother. Ok, the earliest I can be there is after 5. I can't leave work. The answer didn't change. Then she gets mad. I should have just hung up then. What answer did she want to hear. Ok, I'll leave work early again. Don't even bother going to your mothers I'll be home before you go to work.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'm not going to accomadate her schedule when she has no consideration for mine. I told her do not schedule work Thursday nights because son and I have martial arts.

GUESS WHAT! Every week she worked Thursday night. Her boss even had it marked on her sheets not to schedule her, but she did it anyway.

Now get this. She is on call for the ice cream store. Anytime they need a filler she gets called. So when one of the those little teenie boppers decides to not go in to work my wife gets called.

My wife needs to take a little control of her situation here. They use her. The horse that works the most gets whipped the most. See she does not know that because she never worked while we were married.

She needs to go to her boss and say I'm a mom. I will work these days. There is no uniformity in the schedule. Last week she worked 10-6 everyday. The week before she work 10-6, off, 5:30 till close on weds, thurs, and fri... This week she worked 10-6, today 4 till close, tomorrow 10-6.

It totally sucks. I never know what is going on. It's balls to the walls everyday. Who is picking up the kids. What days will I see the kids. On the 10-6 days I don't even see them. I'm the babysitter on the nights she works. I'm not the babysitter, I'm the dad. On the nights she closes I never know what time she is coming to pick them up. They should just stay with me. Then I had so much crap in my head I liked when they stayed with her, that way I knew there wasn't another man at least staying with her overnight.

You know what... I don't care anymore about that. One because I can not control it. Two I'll just drive myself nuts. Three it just isn't worth feeling like crap over. Four I hope she does find someone else it might take the nonsense away from me. Five good for her if there is. Six I don't deserve to be treated so poorly.

For the entire relationship I think I was treated poorly. I tried to handle it, and yes I did it the wrong way. However even if I did it a different way she still would have treated me poorly. Nothing and I mean nothing is ever good enough.

Yes I'm trying to provide solutions because I'm sick of this insanity.

I know I just keep repeating the insanity. Trying something different but using the same approach. I have been doing that for 13 years with her. If I knew how to do something different I would try it. I'm all ears.

There is no reasoning. NO compromising with this woman. No getting through. NO talking. It's her way or the high way always has been. Now it's her way if I'm lucky enough to tell you what it is way.

I understand I keep coming across as being angry. That is because I am. She is driving me bonkers. She knows it. Really she has been driving me bonkers for 13 years.

[LostPhil]

second you go back to the old way your wife is justified in not believe you.

I know and I just did it again last night. I'm not very smart in dealing with her. Never have been.

If she isn't going to change, then you need to change some aspect to get better results

I just wish I knew what that was... The calmer I got with her the meaner she got with the comments. The calmer I reacted to those comments. The more she dug. I think I need to think of ICE while I'm dealing with her. Be like the ice man.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I just wish I knew what that was... The calmer I got with her the meaner she got with the comments. The calmer I reacted to those comments. The more she dug. I think I need to think of ICE while I'm dealing with her. Be like the ice man.

Do you see it?
Her actively wanting to push your buttons...
You have to actively resist your normal reaction when she does.

So you are in traffic. And someone honks their horn at you, do you honk back, give them the finger, or wave and smile?

Have you ever noticed how much more upset people get when you just wave and smile back at them?

F Phil, in no way am I saying this is easy. I am saying it can be done.