I've gotten some good insight recently, but, I'm not sure that raising it helps. It sometimes feels like talking about her issues is counter-productive. If she brings up divorcing me, I suppose I will reply that it isn't what I want, but, I can't control what she does and I'm going to keep working on me.
That's probably the most perfect thing you can bring up right now in MC--that's your part in this, being a good dad & working on you.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Thanks JCJ and IAL. W was by the house this evening to get the kids birth certificates in order to get them registered for school. I was cool and cool with the kids and got a hug as she was leaving. I'll take that for now.
I still don't know where this is going, but, I'm getting better with the kids. We went for a bike ride around the lake when I got home which was fun.
Getting better with the kids is really good. They will always be your kids and will see the good times now fondly when they are older.
I find its easier to get on with my sons when there is no mummy buffer in between us to disapprove or modify what I think is right for me and the boys. I dont always get it right but I feel closer to my sons now than ever before. Doing the simple things is sooo good sometimes. My youngest loves to draw and just now when we lie on the floor just doodling and chatting it really brings home to me whats important. My kids. I was too busy earning a living to support my sons and w to enjoy being with them. I have changed that now.
It might not make a difference to my m or how my w sees me but it makes mee feel good.
Kenny
Me:40 WAW, MLC?:39 Kids:S11,S9 T:25, M:14 ILYB:Apr 08 W moved out Aug 08 W:Does not Want to Try
A couple of people have pointed out to me that W is asking for me to be as interested in the kids and caring for them as a stereotypical mother would be, all while she has next to abandoned them. It messes with my mind a bit.
Dan, choose carefully who you talk to. Comments like this are not helpful at all in your sitch. All of us with WAS's have thoughts like this. I found that there were plenty of friends who could give BS advice and tell me how horrible W is. I've even mostly cut off my parents for this reason. They're all just trying to make you feel better, but most of them haven't been through something like this. Make sure you're listening to people who help you fight for your M.
It's good that you're facing this single-dad thing, because if she comes back you'll appreciate her more, and if not, you'll be fine.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
I'm so happy that you are spending more time with your kids. They need their Dad and what better way than having fun with them and being a super cool Dad on top of that.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Jon, I understand what you are saying. This has however been fairly helpful for me as I've allowed my W to define what constitutes normal behavior during our relationship and it's nice to hear from others that no, I'm not crazy, her behavior is out of line. In this case, it was helpful to put a frame of reference around what W is asking of me in regards to how I interact and treat the kids. The fact that she has basically abandoned them is just a place of hypocrisy.
Jen, I'm working on it, I'm working on it. I feel like a single Dad except that I'm doing a poor job of things. I have my good days and my not so good days. This week has been tougher as our nanny had her last day last week. W has been here every day for a couple of hours and the kids play next door and the neighbor kids' mom provides some adult supervision, but, the short of it is that my house is exceedingly trashed and that gets me going.
We have our MC appointment tomorrow and I haven't the slightest idea of what to say or where to go with things. I'm back to vacillating between hope, and wondering why do I even want to keep working on this, why do I even want to be with this person. There is an awful lot of pain in a warehouse full of mental boxes that cannot be denied forever.
In either case, I've been following along on both of your adventures and I must say they are encouraging.
Jon, I understand what you are saying. This has however been fairly helpful for me as I've allowed my W to define what constitutes normal behavior during our relationship and it's nice to hear from others that no, I'm not crazy, her behavior is out of line. In this case, it was helpful to put a frame of reference around what W is asking of me in regards to how I interact and treat the kids. The fact that she has basically abandoned them is just a place of hypocrisy.
I see what you're saying. That was helpful for me early on as well. The problem was, W and I complained so much to our friends that none of them support the M anymore. So just be careful. And as long as what she's asking you to do is actually a good thing (be a better dad), try and listen as much as you can.
Originally Posted By: maninmotion
In either case, I've been following along on both of your adventures and I must say they are encouraging.
"Adventures" is a good way to describe it. Hang in there, you're in a good place. Keep us updated on the MC. What happens? What is it like?
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
I too want to warn you about talking to too many people. I only speak from experience...it is easy to bash the WAS because we would not be in this predicament if it were not for them. But, you also need to remember it takes two to make or break a marriage.
I have a few friends, and one D21, who have been less than supportive of my M. They do not hesitate to tell me what I should do. The thing is, they are not me. It may be comforting to hear that they believe your W's actions are not normal. But remember, you really don't know what she is thinking right now. It is easier said than done, I know. But I am finding that just because we think we know what is going on does not make it so.
I have one friend that referred to my H as Public Enemy Number 1. It really ticked me off. I sent her a long email, and told her that it was upsetting to me, and that she did not understand what I was doing or why, and that I was not sure I could explain it to her, but that from now on we should not talk about my H.
She apologized to me about a week later, saying that it is hard for her to see me hurting, and wants it to stop. She did not mean anything by it, but is angry at H right now, for hurting me. I can understand, but in the long run, it does make it harder to view things from your own mind, when your thoughs are mixed with someone elses.
Also, keep in mind that none of us are perfect parents, and you seem to be doing a great job. I think you should be very proud of that. We all make mistakes with our kids, but as long as we learn from them, its all good
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Hi Lola. I appreciate your input and I do understand what you and Jon are saying. I would say that my friends have been overall supportive. The worst thing I've heard is W's aunt saying that she abandoned her kids at which point, I jumped in and defended my W cluing her aunt into the circumstances of things.
All of that said, I'm really very angry at times. I know that I'm not perfect and that it takes two people to have a disagreement. That said, I'm very angry with W right now. SO, I'm not looking for validation of my anger and I'm not looking to bad mouth my W all over hell and creation
I spent so many years afraid of losing her and swallowing down what I knew wasn't right that now I know that I was right and that W doesn't seem to have changed one bit with regards to this issue, I'm NOT sure I want to continue with her except that I do love her and I don't want to hurt the kids. Thus, what I really want is for her to have a change of heart regarding the things that she has done and I can't think much about it or I get angry and since I've made a commitment to myself to try these next seven months, I'm not helping things when I go down this path.
OK, that's an unbroken stream of consciousness poured out as text.
So, I have MC in 2 hours and I haven't the foggiest idea what to say or where to take things. Thus, I will be the perfect gentleman and let ladies go first. It's strange, but, in many ways, these last 2 weeks since the snooping and the "That's it, we're through" have been better than the previous 4 months.
