Hi T. I hesitate to offer too much advice here because only the Lord knows what's happening in my world. That said, I'm not sure how defending your boundary is a bad thing. She certainly doesn't like it and your analysis of her self-focused behavior seems right on to me. I think that your next move is to enjoy your kids for the next 2 weeks. You have shown that you aren't going to be bullied or pushed around and you did it without drama. Basically, you behaved like a mature adult. I'm not sure how any other option gains you anything.
You are in what my C calls the work phase. Others call it the grind. When you just have to take right action and trust that the outcome will be the best possible outcome though perhaps not the desired one.
You sure have mellowed out since the old days. You and I were pretty angry back then. I am not sure anything we do or don't do actually makes a BIG difference in all of this. Let me say that I understand what you are feeling and I hope your next two weeks with the kids will alleviate a little of your "nostalgia". From a DB standpoint, you are doing way too much pursuing (but who has not). I know it can get frustrating when you are using a strategy and you get little or no results. However, one thing I learned....just because it does not appear like you are making progress it does not mean that you are not. WAS tend to hide what they are going through behind closed doors. So what John....what does that do for me? Well, I think you really need to concentrate on the friendship angle. I think she pretty much spelled it out for you. Concentrate on friendship and attack her with her LL. Stop the I miss yous and ILYs immediatelly. Finally, you have to try harder to get her out of your mind (AKA GAL). This was very difficult for me as well. If I look back at my sitch, I could now see that she changed slowly back to normal....maybe because she saw me detaching or maybe because she brokeup with her boyfriend (I will never know for sure). In your case is your WAS still acting the same way as she did in and around the Bomb time? J210
I know I am pursuing, but I continually hear from her criticisms of how I didnt show I cared for her, or she didnt realize how much, I didnt command the schedule, didnt communicate well, stuff like that. Thus, to me, backing off and doing nothing reinforces that. Not sure where to go on this, but I cant stand sitting around waiting. I'm sure the 180 for her will be seeing me with someone else. But I just am not interested in that yet. We had a separation for about this period when we were dating long ago. I cannot remember what it was that brought her back. I believe it was when I gave up and started moving on.
I have been very busy, not only by myself, but with my kids when they are here. I dont know why I went through a stage of about two weeks where I really missed her.
My W is acting more normal than when she was during the bomb. At bomb time, she started acting like high school kid with money. Partying all the time, connecting with every friend she has ever met, and trying to travel as much as possible. Now she is working more (probably because to live her desired lifestyle, it costs $$), going over to her parents cabin whenever she can. Thats a good sign to me because it means she's likely not hitting the dating circuit back here. I dont know how much partying she is doing or how late she's staying out because she's not here and I havent been asking. So maybe to me she's acting more normal because I cant see whats going on. What I get from my kids when they are there is that she's not doing much. Last night at dinner she barely finished one glass of wine. She would normally whip through at least two.
Where are you in your sitch? I know we were on similar timelines at one point. I was very angry and I dont know why I'm not anymore. I guess I have just come to accept this. I will be fine, she has a lot of surprises left in store for her. I mean financially. She wont be able to live the way she was just because she will have to work a ton to do it, throw some kids lives in there, and you pretty much have no time or energy for anything else. I think she will find the grass is not greener, just dont know if I can wait that long.
T, I lucked out...WAS decided to give us another shot. Frankly (this is going to sound bad I know) I am not sure we are going to make it long term. My main motivation is D7. I am not exactly the easiest guy to get along with but I am trying not to fall back into old habits. I think I was hoping we would get back to where we were prior to the bomb ... that won't happen. it's a strange feeling actually. Now that I went through this once, it's like something has died. I'll try to remain positive and keep plugging away for D7's sake. I am keeping an eye on you....stay strong...you never know when this can turn around. If she stopped partying, i think it is a good sign.
J210
BTW there are plenty of ways to show her you care for her without saying i miss you and i love you.
We'll, we all have to recover and work together if it's going to work out. Time is good I guess. The way you were prior to the bomb didnt work, so it should feel different. If you know youre tough to get along with, then it sounds easy to figure out what that cause is (i'm sure it isnt). Dont you think if you were easier to deal with, she would change too?
I have tried different ways to show I care. Mainly, giving in on the kids. For her to know that I am giving up what's most valued to me, time with my kids. She has to realize this when I let her have them a few more days this week. I did it for her. Not sure of too many other ideas right now because she's not here. After our dinner last night, the kids wanted to come home and spend time with me. I dont know if I DB'd my kids or what. Quit the pulling and here they come too. Then today when W came to pick them up, they were not too eager to leave. My son stayed for lunch and left later. She did come in and talk to me for a few minutes. First time this has happened. Actually came into the house. We did have some good eye contact. I felt like a superhero trying use my super powers by looking as deep as possible into her eyes, trying to cast a spell so she'd wake up from this nightmare. She told me about her 6am meeting that nobody showed to. I wanted to say something smart to the effect isnt it great to have to work all the time now, but I bit my tongue.
W dropped of the kids yesterday. I could see the same pain in my D's eyes as when W came to pick her up the other day. It kills me to see that. She obviously hates this as much as I do, but she's so tough, never says anything negative about it. W gave both kids big kisses, but skipped out on me. Of course W was late to drop them off. She's always late with the kids or not at home on time when I drop off. She recently said that i have shown I am 'capable of being alone with the kids'. Duh. What does she think I was doing while she was away on all those trips? I took that as complete disrespect. She brought it up because the kids have been telling her how much they miss me when they are with her. I dont get that from them about her when they are with me. Thus she said I am a great father. She is pointing out 'change' to me, but says I cannot change for her, nor does she want me to. Such BS.
I was explaining some of the recent events and dialog with my attorney. She asked me if I thought there was a chance we could reconcile, and if so, she could ask to move back our court date. I told her I wasnt so optimistic, but seemed to be getting some strange signals from W. So, she pinged W attorney to ask about moving trial date back a couple months. W immediately shot that down and is upholding original date in december. Thus, a bummer to me. W is going to get a huge financial slap in the face if she goes through with this.
I have kids through next weekend. W certainly asking a lot of questions of what our plans are. I was pretty vague about it. But, she shows no interest in me whatsoever. I dont know what I did along the way for her to act this way to me. In looking back the past few months, it seems to me that I receive all the blame from her for this.
Tostada, it sounds like you have a really good L that cares enough to hope for your marriage to reconcile.
I hear the same thing from my W about the kids missing me when they are with her. It sounds like you and I are on the same page of doing all we can to make our kids lives the best possible. It does hurt to hear them express their desire to live as one family when there is nothing you can do in that regard.
As for your W having a change of heart, I think it is important that you dont try to sway her thinking. She most likely has her pride and does not want to feel controlled. All you can do is live your life now for yourself and the kids and hopefully she will come to her senses that her life is not going to be better outside the family bond. Just be friendly with every interaction you have with her even if she is being a jerk. December is still a long way off and you have started to see some small positive changes in her attitude. I am hoping the single life she is faced with now will sink in by the time the court date comes up.
I have the kids all week. My W yesterday emailed me asking if my D9 wanted to go to camp all week. I thought this was a bit insensitive, since it's my only 'all week' period with the kids. And to do it on Monday sort of set me off. Nice planning.
So, I answered her email with a simple 'nope'. I'm just so frustrated with her. She replied with 'this is a prime example of you being short and snippety'. I didnt know we were looking for these examples and I have never heard that excuse or reasoning about me in the past. Anyway, it seems I cannot win with her. I realize 'nope' isnt the greatest answer, but I'm not sure it matters.
I am going to take the kids out of town for the weekend. In the past few weeks she has made it clear that if I leave with the kids, she wants to know what were doing ('just in case your in a car crash'). She certainly hasnt let me know what she's always doing with the kids. She doesnt want to be part of our family, then I dont think I need to check in with her if we do something.
I'm trying to be very busy with my kids this week. Just live for me and my kids right now. I'm so frustrated that I'm in this situation and that its lasted this long. It has completely worn me out and I'm nearing the end of the rope for me. I just cannot be 'rejected' for such a long time and not have it take its toll.
Hi T, I understand your frustration and even though she isn't letting you know where she and the kids are going. I still think it is a good idea to let her know that you and the kids will be out of town. I'm not saying that you have to tell her where you are going, just tell her that you are thinking about taking the kids and going some place fun for the weekend and you are calling her as a courtesy.
I have been reading along today and almost feel I am reading my own story. The big problem I had and you seem to be having too is reconciling your frustration and hurt with the love you still feel for your w. I tried to back off big time and it still wasnt enough so w moved out 1st August.
They just dont think in reasonable terms just now. You cant change that so you just have to change all you can for you and the kids to make your life with them as best it can be.
You are your No1 priority followed closely by your kids.
Trying to GAL or be positive is really hard for me too. But it is the best thing you can do. When w sees that you are making positive changes (and she will no matter how small) It will make her think.
This is going to be as tough as it gets in your life. Dont ever give up on your m if that is what you want. I am trying hard to do the same as you and feel the same pain.
Drop me a line when you want. I will try to help as much as I can.
Kenny
Me:40 WAW, MLC?:39 Kids:S11,S9 T:25, M:14 ILYB:Apr 08 W moved out Aug 08 W:Does not Want to Try
