N_A, Do you by any chance have Michele's KLA cd's/tapes?
There is a section on cd#4 that can give you 7 different ideas to try and overcome these types of conflicts.
For example, you would like you H to hang a new toilet paper holder in the bathroom. So instead of mentioning it again, just go out and buy the one you like best, and then come home and just start to do it yourself, take action!!!
It will make you feel good to not need your H to do such things, also... according to what the advice says, if your H sees you doing it, it will spring him into action to do it for you or to start doing some of the other things you mentioned.
There are several other techniques she recommends that could work for you too, its just a matter of trying them and finding out which ones do the best in your circumstances. (Take action, act as if, do a 180, power packaging, do nothing, change the medium you use, and do anything different or new).
I feel the same way you do a lot. But I am realizing that I can not change my H with verbal commands or reccomendations. So, it is time to try something creative like the approaches listed.
I cant seem to get my H to want to move back in with me, or to ever come around my family anymore, and the worst one is the amount of time he spends away from me and at bars flirting with other women. He knows I dont like these facts, and when I tell him... it makes him fight me more.
So now I dont mention him moving back here at all, I go to all the family events on my side alone, and I choose to sit and watch him flirt with other women & not say a damn thing or show him that it bugs me. Several times that I made these 180s, he has surprised me. For instance, He has smartened up about not moving into another apartment, He came to one family funtion out of the blue & several times He has been at my place waiting for me to get back when I go do things alone, and The flirting has decreased a huge amount since back in May.
I know it is hard to accept what the returned MLCer has become. But we must remember that we can not change them. It is up to you if you want to be with him or not. Only you can decide how much crap you can be put through. But for the sake of saving our M's, if you try some of these techniques it might give you some relief. The things you would like to see change in/about your H, will take time and he will have to feel the want or desire to make these changes. So your job is to help influence him or sweeten the deal, and not to verbally command him.
I hope this helps, I am no expert, but michele is, and I find her techniques to work wonders. Try some of them out, and you just might see some of the desired changes happen. So do what works, and not what comes naturally. TIPPER
tipper gave some great points. I was gonna say the same.
The most important word is "ACTION". Guys don't listen, and what you say is so typical of men. Especially overweight men, which makes sense to me that they are going to be more physically exerted and not have the energy to do as much. But they come in ALL shapes and sizes!
On his things, can you just put them in his closet or put them somewhere only HE goes?
oh, I just thought of something...perhaps you should hide a remote inside one of the boxes and in order for him to get it, he has to put 1 box full of things away.... or perhaps you could write a little note that says, "I've got a little surprise for you as soon as that bill is paid off...it has something to do with you, a bikini and a bottle of oil..and I'm not telling who's wearing the bikini."
just be creative. Do you remember when or if he WAS doing what he said he would do? Some guys are just worse than others, but I think we do have more control over it than we think, we just have to get more creative.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Tipper gave some great points. I was going to say the same thing. Except mine would have rambled on and by the time you got done reading it you would have no idea what I was talking about. I am not as articulate as I would like to be.
Sorry I have not posted back yet but the family and me were in Ocean City for a few days of R and R. Now I feel like a need a vacation to recover from that one.
I do agree with Tippers Tip. You might want to try and do a couple of things yourself and see what reaction you get. You may even like it. If your not sure how, the guys at home depot or lowes will tell you what you need to do. I am pretty handy also, so I can give you some advice. Maybe if he sees that you are not going to wait for him to do things he would do things a little more quickly. A little reverse psychology. But........be happy doing it.
I sometimes wonder if us (the LBS) seem to willing to do or put up with just about anything to make our marriages work. Sometimes I think the WAS knows this and continues with the BS because they know that we will put up with it. I try to be a little different when it comes to stuff like this. I have told her yes I want this marriage to work but I want to be happy also and I flat out told her that I was not happy with the way things were going. Probably not the best way to DB. Before all of this happened I was not really happy with what our marriage had become either. Now don't get me wrong I am happy that we are working on things but I am not going to accept just anything.
Okay.......I rambled enough.
Back to you...Your situation has become much better and you have a lot to be thankful for and I think things will sloooooooooowly continue to get even better. Be patient grasshopper and vent whenever you want!
ST! - "Guys don't listen, and what you say is so typical of men"
Not all of us. I think there are alot of men on this site that would say the same about women.
Hi Tipper, ST and Matt. Thanks for the advice! I do feel better this week- I think I was PMSing last week so everything looked worse than it was.
I don't have the KLA tapes, but I will look into it.
Since h moved out, I have been trying to do the little things around the house myself. Since he's been back, I find myself slipping back a bit to having these expecations. I mean, I'm not asking him to build an addition to the house, just do some small things for me (can you guess what my LL is?) Anyway, I hung that &$^*@& toilet paper holder last week and it looks great. Yay me! The main issue that REALLY has been bothering me is the credit card debt and the calls from a collection agency. It's a bit more serious than hanging a new tp holder. I mention to him when the company calls, he tells me he's going to work something out with them, but then it continues. It's not something that I can just take over and do myself, so I'm not sure how to deal with it.
The weekend was pretty nice. On Sat., we had a yard sale and we got rid of some of our stuff, but not as much as I had hoped. So unfortunately our garage is still a disaster. On Sat. night, we went out to dinner with a friend and her bf. A nice date night. Then on Sun. we went to a small family bday party for h's mom. We've also been spending a lot of time watching the Olympics together and I am now more sleep-deprived than usual!
Quote:
Before all of this happened I was not really happy with what our marriage had become either. Now don't get me wrong I am happy that we are working on things but I am not going to accept just anything.
Matt, I feel the same way, but what exactly does that mean? What are we going to do to show that we are not accepting something?
ooops sorry Matt, usually I use the words "in general". Really, none of us listen, but it's more men because us women like to nag, so you guys have a great knack for tuning us out.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
oh, and Matt, you telling your W you were not happy in the M either, I don't consider that anti-dbing, that's more validating IMHO. depending how you say it though.
I also told my H that he was right, our M was bad. I think for the most part, we all need to make sure we are communicating in a way that lets the other person hear openly, not defensively, and also try to use action more than words. It gets annoying and tiresome to always be lectured at. So, if we can figure out what works without TALKING, then go for it!
I had a similar issue with my H in regards to cancelling a bill, and other honeydo things. I wrote a note with a few things he was to do and wrote on there that when he got done with them, he was getting a full body massage. He did do a couple, not all, but at least some. I ended up having to cancel the thing myself. So I haven't figured it all out yet myself.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
hey, na ~ new disguise, but same old Ingrid. I've been off the board for about a month - too busy, too confused, too whatever. I can't tell you how many times I've started a post to someone only to give up two sentences in.
Sorry that you are still struggling with the money/trust issue.
Do you have call display, so you can avoid the calls that aren't for you? Can you just ignore the phone and only return calls to people you actually want to speak to? Can your outgoing message give your H's cell #, for those people that really need to talk to him, like debt collectors?
Is your name on the account? Can you take it off, so it really is his problem and not yours? Then you can just sympathize without getting involved.
As my new thread says, more questions than answers
N_A, Hey there. I just want to say that I am very proud of you for hanging the toilet paper holder. You should feel good about yourself for being able to take care of some of the small things.
When it comes to the $ stuff, I know what you mean. You feel like you cant help, they got themselves into the money trouble and they are also the ones that need to get themselves out of it. Unfortunately we get stuck in between, since financials are usually shared in a M.
My H went bankrupt about two months before he left me. The stress the bankruptcy brought on us was unbearable. We ended up losing our first house in a forclosure due to his financial troubles. It stunk. There is not much here I have to suggest for advice, other than the fact that I have been through it with my H and I know how you feel. It is very daunting.
On a better note, since my H's bankruptcy - he has been able to see that that was the core of our problems, it is what caused him to be so depressed and start drinking. He now is getting his feet underneith himself. He no longer uses credit. He is waiting to save up for the things he wants instead of going for instant gratification buys that got him into trouble. He is slowly learning to be more responsible with his money. He still has a ways to go, but I can definetly see a difference in his spending.
Well, I hope your time with your H is going well. And have faith that your H can pull through this. Take care, TIPPER
I am not as articulate as I would like to be. 