fighting to save my marriage

[grant]

Hi all. I have just recently discovered Michelle and "Divorce Busting" after a 3 month enforced separation from my wife of 19 years. My sitch is an extremely complex and daunting one. The cited reason from my wife, is that I had an online sexual relationship on the internet as a result of poor sexual relations with her, from which she has never fully recovered. I have also had issues with pornography, and for the last 3 months have been attending 12 step meetings for sexual addiction. I now fully acknowledge the pain and the sense of betrayal that she felt as a result of these actions, and am deeply regretful. I understood that she felt she needed to ask me to leave our home, needed time to "discover herself"and I have been trying to heal myself, my issues, and the great rift that has appeared in our marriage. Of course, I have made many of the usual "pursuit" behaviour mistakes, although I feel that I have made many efforts to try to give her that time. Unfortunately, there is another man on the scene, a high school boyfriend, with whom she resumed a relationship. I was aware of this from the outset, and despite my acknowledgement that I was largely to blame about how she felt about our marriage, I did feel that she was having, at the very least, an emotional affair. It took until recently, when I could finally take no more of the lies and deceit, for her to admit that she had feelings for this OP, and although she maintained steadfastly that it had not gone further, I knew that her complete refusal to work on our marriage had been hugely affected by this EA. To make matters worse, our children (2 boys 16 and 13) are best friends with this mans children. He took them to school, and has quite calculatedly manipulated her into thinking that he is her best friend and soon-to be lover. I discovered that he has been in an unhappy marriage, and has just left his wife.
As a result of discovering Michelles book and this website, I have just started the 180 technique. I was most skeptical at first, but even at this early stage I did see some quite startling results. Deciding to try to be her friend, and by trying to like myself more, my self-respect and dignity are slowly returning to me. I am so desperately scared that I have lost the woman that I love, and am willing to fight through this pain, until she does opt for this guy and divorce. It is, as we all know, a roller coaster from hell. Emotions change, not even daily, but hourly, and it is a struggle to carry on. I have been working on my relationship with my children, and it has been a huge blessing. This was another problem in my marriage, and because I worked away from home 4 days a week, there was just so much to deal with at the weekend. My wife is a wonderful, selfless woman and mother, but feels now, the need for her to find happiness wherever she can. Thankyou so much to all for the support and advice given in these pages, and apologies for the length of the post. I pray for you all in your situations, and can sympathize with anyone who has been where I am now.

[LolaL]

Hi Grant, and welcome to the board, although it is not under the circumstances you want.

You hve been separated for 3 months, and although I know this is painful, in the grant scheme of things, it is a short period of time.

I think it is admirable that you have accepted and gotten treatment for your addiction. May I ask, how long did the online affair go on for?

This is a great bunch of people, and a great support group. YOu have come to the right place for help.

Lola

[ms ladybug]

Welcome Grant.
You've come to a great place. There is a wealth of information here and also a great place to come if you just need to vent, cry, scream, whatever. We've seen it all here and we understand it all.
Have you gotten the Divore Busting book? I actually reccommend Divorce Remedy. I think it's a bit better.

You know of course by now to back off on the pursuits. I doesn't work and will drive her further away.
What is your wifes thoughts on things? Did she want you to get help and come home? Has she filed for divorce?

[grant]

Thanks guys. It is a real relief to have somewhere to go to share these things with people who understand the pain and the enormous superhuman struggles. I have read (and reread) "Divorce Remedy", and it has been only in the last week that I have been trying to implement some of the techniques. It is scary, and almost completely counter-intuitive, but much of it makes a great deal of sense to me. My online affair lasted about 6 months. Let me be clear that through all that time, although I was consumed with sexual feelings for this OP, I never stopped loving or wanting to make love to my wife. I have always found her to be beautiful, and think that I always let her know that. When my wife found out about this online relationship, she was devastated, and I offered to leave. Not to resume the online relationship, but out of respect for her. I was utterly dumbfounded when she, within 2 days, completely resumed our relationship and with a sexual passion we had not had for many years. Unfortunately, I realise now that we did not properly deal with the core issues, and though I felt as our relationship seemed to be so loving and passionate, she/we had moved on, she had clearly not. The further complication to this, and the realisation that I did indeed have a problem with sexual addiction, is that even with wonderful lovemaking, I was still using pornography when I was away from home. I know that this was partly because I was lonely, isolated and of low self esteem. But clearly, I was self-medicating inappropriately, and had sexual issues. But the tragedy of this, as is so often the case, I could not come to that realisation until my wife told me that she no longer loved me, and our marriage was effectively over. It wasn't just the affair from which she had never recovered, but a growing realisation that she could not be with a man who continued to seek out sexual release in inaapropriate ways. A digital adultery, if you will. I now fully appreciate and understand this, and completely and uttely respect her views. Also, it made her think about her life, and where she wanted to be in a few years. The children are older now, and they don't require as much of her attention. She doesn't want to be with someone in a seemingly loveless and unsatisfying marriage. God, who would?
She was pleased when I initiated therapy and the 12 step meetings, but was at pains to assure me, that I should be doing it for myself, and not out of any expectation of it repairing our marriage. She did not want to give me "false hope". But, as I knew I had a problem, and knew that it had destroyed or marriage, I had to get help. Of course, for myself, but for my wife and family. In my earlier "fog", I had foolishly insisted to her, that because of her refusal to work on our M, that she wanted a divorce. She was not drawn by that, and insisted that it was "too soon". How wise is she, and how stupid am I ? I have not brought it up again, and it hasn't really been mentioned. Told her that I wanted to be friends, and go home at weekends to see the kids. Since 180 ing, she has called a few times, and at least we can talk now. I see this as my only hope. But God, it's true, it's the most difficult thing you'll ever do. To love from afar, to affirm unconditionally, and to put all your needs and dreams to one side............. I have to believe in the impossible.

[LolaL]

Good Morning Grant:

Some of the things you say in your posting are almost mirror to things my H has said to me. Part of this whole process is working on yourself for you...with your W being the second party. Ultimiately, it is about resolving the marital differences, and trying to figure out what you were doing that did not work. It is the hope that by backing off and giving space, the WAS will see that you are serious about making the changes and sticking to them.

But it does not happen overnight...and so you have to be prepared for the long haul. It is a journey of self discovery, and self awareness. It is about making yourself the best you for you AND your spouse.

And it is about finding faith...the faith that no matter what, everything will be okay...

[grant]

Hi LolaL,
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I am, I think, a spiritual person, and try every day to get strength and wisdom from God. Part of my problem is that over the years, I think I lost contact with that spiritual connection. It's stupid how so often, life just gets in the way. my biggest dilemma at the moment, is to know just how to second guess what her "needs" might really be from me at the moment. Bearing in mind that I think she is making plans to be with OP eventually (tho she says she doen't want to be with anyone at the moment), I have to carefully listen to what she is saying, and then think........ believe none of what she says and half of what she does. She hasn't overtly mentioned divorce, but it seems like that is where she's heading with talk of legal advice, financial assets etc. I have, I think been more patient than most men about her ongoing relationship with OP, and don't think I've pressured her too much until I had to confront her when I discovered she'd been phoning and texting this guy all through our separation. I guess this made it even harder for me to confront my sexual issues, knowing that there was another factoer involved. Don't misunderstand me, I am utterly convinced that it is largely down to my sexual issues, and my time spent working away from home, that has lead her to firmly believe that I did not love or "cherish" her. Another foolish thing that I did was to consult a psychic, who was startlingly accurate about my sitch, and predicted that I had no hope, would be divorced, and that my beautiful girl would be with this OP. They have a strong previous connection, as when they were both 16, she became pregnant with his child. She had a termination, and I dont think has ever recovered from the grief or resentment. He is now desperate to prove to her, that he is a good man, a family man, and was not the person she always thought him to be.
Perhaps none of this is relevant, as I know from now on, whatever happens, this has to start with me, GAL is soooooo hard, when all I've ever done is work to provide for my family. I'm in the music industry and it too is a "mistress" that has competed for my attention. I am trying so hard to push through the pain, and believe that she and my family are so so worth it all. But I fear so much for the future without them, and the woman who I have loved so deeply for so long. I understand and validate her feelings of unhappiness, but I just wish... God I pray every day, that I can somehow make amends and draw her back to me, by being the man that she fell in love with. Not that depressed, needy, desperate tormented soul that I seem to have become. Thanks so much to anyone who can reply with thoughts or advice for me. It means so much.

[tmi]

grant, I wanted to let you know that your words on happycamper's thread and book recommendations have helped me a lot. I may have time at some point to update my thread, but at this moment I feel pretty hopeful. I also hope to have time to read more about your experience, but swamped pretty much describes September for me.

I also wondered if you've considered corresponding on this board a potential relapse trigger for you?

[grant]

Hi TMI,
I'm so glad that I might have helped you in some way with some of the things I posted.

I haven't read your thread, but will try to check it out when I have a little more time.
I'm encouraged to hear that whatever you've been going through, that you're "hopeful".

I am very much on a personal journey, and I don't know where it will all lead.

Not too sure what you mean when you talked about my posting here as a "potential relapse trigger".

Perhaps you mean that in some way, I might be using this site as a way of "acting out". Or maybe an internet addiction.

Though it's certainly true that I have been using the resources in DR and on this board as a "crutch" or aid, I do not look at that in a negative light. Just as I look on my 12 step meetings and my individual counselling as tools toward true change and self improvement, I see the huge value in sharing and listening to other people's experiences and comments here.

It is instrumental in my ablilty to maintain faith, hope, and strength through the course of these trials. I don't think that any situation is black or white. There are so many shades of gray between, and for me, it's about knowing how to go about getting closer to my goals.

I just don't want to get it wrong. I have to be committed to following through, and knowing that ultimately, I have done all that I could to the very best of my ability.