Decided to start a new thread since -- even though I'm a beginner and almost at the end, at the same time -- I really belong to this thread too.
Two and a half years ago, I had a dream that my H was going to divorce me for another woman. When I woke up from that dream (it was a nightmare, actually) I told him about this dream and he literally brushed it off. At the time, his brushing it off made me feel better and I forgot the dream. I just recently rememebered it. WOW!
Anyway, a few weeks ago, I had another dream that he was walking out of the house (not our real house but a dream-related house) and almost all the furniture was gone. I took this as another omen, so to speak.
Now, the reason I joined this thread is because I had another dream just a night or two ago. In this dream, I bared my breasts (gosh, this is so personal; I'm embarrassed) to him, and he happily took them. Wouldn't that be a happy foresight?
Take however you want to take it, but don't get sucked into the woo-woo and start believing your dreams predict the future. Your dreams express feelings, that much is clear. You were worried about him leaving you, at a time when the marriage was troubled. Now you wish you could get that loving attention from him, so that's in your dream, too. It's not a prediction.
It wouldn't be so bad to think such a nice dream could predict the future, I know, but you know that isn't true--and if you dream of him leaving for good tomorrow night, it'll be ten times worse if you've allowed yourself to think of these as predictions of an objective future.
Try to enjoy it for what it was--you maybe felt desire for him and, in your dream, he returned it. That's a long way off for you, judging by what you've written about your situation, but it could still happen.
I'm not really clear on the sex-starved part of your marriage. Did you ever experience low desire for a long period outside the time when you were fighting breast cancer? (Not that he might not feel sex-starved during that time, because he could, but it's not like there was a lot you could do about it at the time.)
Didn't you say that after the cancer went into remission you tried to restart your sex life and he wasn't interested any more? I'd say that makes you the HD and him the LD if the labels matter. I meant to say something about this when you were talking about it before. How much of that low-desire time for him was simply habit, do you think? I mean, he's cruising along having sex with his wife, you're both reasonably satisfied, then she gets cancer. Now there's no sex and nothing either of you can easily change to make sex an option, for how long? Months? Years? He gets out of the habit. Seriously, his daily routine has no sex in it. Then you start asking him for sex, and he doesn't know where to go with that. It's awkward. It's not his routine. At some point he decides it's going to be like work to get through that awkward phase, so he's done.
Hey lady how are you doing? I must add that Marks posts were great but I do disagree with the fact that he thinks it wont hurt like hell. Seperation hurts. What will hurt more is you and your H are fused and you react far too much to him.
It hurts but when you get thru the hell and come out the other side it will feel much better. I promise! Everything you have gone thru will help you to be a better person in the end.
He says it isnt going to hurt,,, he is right it will hurt less when you stop letting your hubby take you down with him. But in the meantime when you are learning new ways of coping it will hurt. I am not encouraging you to wallow in the hurt , I am just more realistic and know that you are hurting alot.
Your old thread has been locked since yesterday... hope to see you back on here soon. God bless... ~Ali
I am so glad I found your thread. I am trying with all my heart to come to grips with what is happening to what is left with my M, which is virtually nothing. I think some of it may have to do with similarities (sex) of what you had problems with in yours.
Is there any possible way you can visit my thread and see if you have any advice for me. I'm not crazy like I sound in some of my posts, but I am pretty desperate. I have only been a member since 7/2/08, but everything got so worse since then, and I'm feeling like there is no hope left. I know this is the wrong attitude, but I do need some help from these boards today, and I'm sure if you're around, you may see something in what's going on.
Hello Suzanne,
It's taken me a few days to go through your now four (!) threads, but I think I'm up to date on your situation. The only thing I'm unclear on is whether or not your H (and his lawyer) have accepted your 8 month (with counseling) deal or not -- I presume not, based upon your latest posts.
I'm so sorry for what you are now going through. I have no experience with actual Divorce Busting, haven't even read the book, so I'll continue to sit out on your current thread in the For Newcomers forum and let the folks who have lived through such a mess (such as Alimari here), applied these principles successfully, and who know what they're talking about continue to advise you. You've got a good support group going there.
With regard to your Sex-Starved Marriage and it's cause, I'm also very sorry that you didn't get the understanding, support, and help that you needed at the time of the flashback in 1996. I can't be too harsh on your husband (fiance at the time) because I know that he truly did not understand the long-term effects that such a trauma could have, particularly on your future sexual relationship as a married couple. From what you've described, you didn't seem to understand how much in need of professional help you were yourself. It isn't your fault or his, but the incident did cast a long shadow over your entire relationship before it even got off the ground.
That said, however, your husband handled the developing sexual problems in completely the wrong way (typing the obvious here, I know). Since your H claimed the role of dominant partner ("the boss," as you say) in the relationship, then he should have taken the lead and gotten you BOTH into counseling as soon the lack of intimacy began to cause serious problems. He should have educated himself on the repercussions of rape on the victim, and learned how to properly support you in working through the issue. Instead, he showed both a severe lack of commitment to the relationship, and a severe lack of integrity, in going outside of the marriage to get his sexual needs met.
At this point, I think it's probably best for you to focus on handling the divorce situation, and set addressing your sexual issues aside for awhile. Such issues are difficult to face and heal, even with professional help, and really require you to be in a position of stability in the other aspects of your life -- something that you don't have right now -- in order to truly work through them successfully. Once your life has stabilized somewhat, and you have some supporting family/friends behind you, I would strongly recommend that you seek professional counseling, from someone who specializes in such matters. Your life will be so much better for it, whether you remain married to your H or not.
My wife was repeatedly sexually abused as a young girl, and then raped once as a teenager: her only sexual experiences prior to meeting me (it hurts and angers me still to even type that). So believe me when I say that it IS possible to heal from such traumas and enjoy a happy and fulfilling sexual relationship. But it takes a lot of courage, work, and a supporting and loving partner to do so. So have some hope, make a mental note to come back to the issue, but for now, handle the stuff that's already on your overly full plate.
Best regards,
Bagheera
P.S. If you've gone through my threads here, you probably have a good idea now as how much pain the lack of a physical relationship causes a husband (and damages your relationship). However, given the way that your H handled the situation, you owe him NOTHING WHATSOEVER. At some point FAR down the road, if you both end up in counseling together, you might want to share this new-found understanding with him, but as far as I'm concerned, his dept to you is the greater one.
Last edited by Bagheera; 08/09/0804:31 AM.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
"What are your choices, Puppy? (1) Accept the status quo, (2) get a divorce and try to start over with someone new, or (3) make some positive changes in yourself and how you treat your spouse, and hope that they begin to return the favor. I still think (3) is the best option, even without a guarantee."
Dearest B,
I almost did not find this thread, which means I almost would never have read your response to me. But, when I read it this morning, I cried. You are so beautiful. (I know. It's a song by Joe Cocker, right)?
There are many things I can say to you in this message, but there are more things I want to think about first before really getting to the bottom of things. It is obvious that you have been extremely *considerate* of me, as evidenced by the fact that you read all of my threads.
I do have an "...overly full plate," and I do still love my H. I also, however, subscribe to the philosophy that you prescribed above in the section I quoted you from.
You mentioned in your post that you were "unclear" about the status of our divorce. You asked if he is going to "take the deal" that my attorney offered. You may have missed that post. He called me last Friday night and told me that he was not going to the deal.
He said he was not going to wait eight months and go to counseling and all that. "We're getting a divorce, Suzanne," is basically the way he put it.
I DID see a packet for him in the mail Monday from his attorney. That could be the reason for his low mood when he spoke to me on Wednesday night about having to "give the dog away, and running out of money." I suspect he's getting very ready to make his "counter-offer" probably next week.
Thank you so much for reading my thread. I am in the process of reading your full thread now, while starting with the lastest one with you and dancequeen and NTE, which took place in May, when we were splitting up.
1. How do I link my threads in a post? I'm trying to clarify what I mean here. Bagheera (above) has a post within his own thread, where the reader can just *click* the RED writing. He has even give a name to the link, such as "my latest thread," or "Alimari's thread."
2a. Can you (anyone) tell me how Bagheera's latest thread could be locked after only two pages? b. How can we contact him on a locked thread?
Thank you most kindly, in advance, for your response.
1. How do I link my threads in a post? I'm trying to clarify what I mean here. Bagheera (above) has a post within his own thread, where the reader can just *click* the RED writing. He has even give a name to the link, such as "my latest thread," or "Alimari's thread."
This is done using standard forum 'mark-up' codes, which one learns over time in playing around on the boards. In the example below, I'll use curly-brackets ({}) in the place of square-brackets ([]), so you can see the codes. To put up a link to some other page, but supply your own bolded-text for the link, you would do this:
{url = xxxxxxxxxx} {b}yyyyyyyyyy{/b} {/url}
where xxxxxxxxxx is the URL (http://www.foo.boo, or whatever) and yyyyyyyyyy is what you want the link text to be.
Note: be sure to use square-brackets ([]) in the above mark-up codes to get it to actually work. You can use the {Preview Post] button while composing to see if you got it right before submitting it.
Quote:
2a. Can you (anyone) tell me how Bagheera's latest thread could be locked after only two pages? b. How can we contact him on a locked thread?
The moderators of these boards generally lock up a thread after about 100 posts. I hit 106, so I've been expecting it to happen.
I'll start a new one today.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
