So I married a sex addict...

[iamlost]

Ha! Love your response. Plus--there you go, definitive proof for H (and you, but you already knew) that his SA is not in any way about YOU.

Had a good day, for a number of reasons. I think doing that budget last night was a turning point for me. I am currently reading a book on divorce and one of the things they say is that if you are having trouble letting go, try to see if there is anything you are frightened of about losing your partner. I think I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to manage financially, and therefore was terrified of losing H. Once I took a good look at the financial picture, I could see that I could cope with losing H...

Also I have really focused on me today - looked nice, worn make-up, worn perfume, had fun with children, not talked about our R (apart from the budget) - all GAL things, all DBing I think. Iamlost really encouraged me to keep 'DBing', seeing it as beneficial for me.

Yay! I'm so happy for you, Happy C!

[happycamper]

Not sure if that is a phrase only used in the UK, or if it makes sense to anyone else!!!!

[jon2911]

Wow, his problems weren't solved by getting another woman. Who would've imagined that?

Hang in there, this is very good! Your H is experiencing true misery right now...

[happycamper]

Wow, his problems weren't solved by getting another woman. Who would've imagined that?

I know, what a breakthrough! I think we should be spreading the message as I'm sure others aren't aware yet - getting ow/om does not solve the problems of your marriage!

[iamlost]

Wow, his problems weren't solved by getting another woman. Who would've imagined that?

I know, what a breakthrough! I think we should be spreading the message as I'm sure others aren't aware yet - getting ow/om does not solve the problems of your marriage!

Incredible! Someone else cannot fix your life for you?! Are we counting fairy godmothers and elves? Because surely they can work some magic...

[happycamper]

I've just come back from the holiday from hell. 10 days camping, in the UK, rained everyday, in a tent with four children and... H. We agreed right at the start of our separation that we should do it seeing as the children knew they were going and I couldn't do it by myself.

The main difficulty was his contact with his g/f. Once the children were in bed, which ended up being about 9, he then went off to phone her. She was so worried that he would change his mind and want to be with me that they used to spend about an hour on the phone each night. I did spend one evening with him...

I think in the (very) back of my mind I thought that something might happen between us, but nothing did at all. He is very firm in his decision that our R is over. He is right of course, I think my hoping that something might happen was just the rejection talking. One night I let the story play out in my head... we get back together, have a happy couple of months and then... disaster again?

Oh, and there was the conversation we had when I finally got the truth. Not 3 one-night stands, not 20, but between 150 and 200.



And this is why we can be good friends - because the man has a problem. His whole self-worth system is based on sex, he's still looking for the lady to tell him he is a very 'special boy', just like his abuser. He's constantly looking for the perfect women, and he'll never find her. He doesn't think he will have a relationship longer that 3-5 years ever again.

I've seen him text-rowing over the last 3 days with the g/f, I think they have some problems. He is very, very stressed (they say dealing with a first R split following your divorce is very hard) and I feel very sorry for him.

I know that if they split up that won't change things between us. He has absolutely no intention of reconciliation with me. And yet there is the 2% of me that thinks I should be divorcebusting rather than accepting that it is over.

[tmi]

There is no 'should' - and no rush to do anything other than wait and see, really.

[grant]

Hi HC,
I have been following your posts as your situation does have some parallels with mine.

I've had issues with sex and pornography for most of my life, although I have never been unfaithful physically in my marriage. It took my wife to end our marriage for me to really confront and accept that I had a problem.

I think if you are a sexual person, and you end up feeling that you are not desired in your R, I know with me, it pushed me toward an online sexual relationship.
Of course, in reality it matters little whether infidelity occurs in a physical sense or over the internet. The feelings are pretty much the same, and the sense of betrayal for the partner is equally painful and destructive.

I have found in my experience, that there can be many different forms of sexual addiction, but many of the patterns of behaviour and the results of the acting out are similar.

In my case, I also worked a long way from the family home, and consequently lived away from Mon-Thurs. I ended up acting out as a way of compensating for the separation from my wife and family, the lack of sexual contact (once every couple of months), and for issues with self-esteem. Strangely enough, I am relatively successful in my profession, but my industry has been in decline for many years, and the insecurities of self-employment have not helped my marriage or relationship.

To get back to your situation, I would just say again that it took my wife to realise that she was done with our marriage, for me to realise that I had to get help.
Unfortunately, the tragedy is that when you do realise, it's often too late for the M, as the partner has really built walls around their heart. It's not surprising I think, because the hurt and betrayal cannot go on forever. It's the pain/pleasure principal.

If you continue to validate someone with an addiction of this type, I think it only prolongs the period of denial about the extent of their problem. This is different from supporting someone if they truly feel the need to confront and change via therapy, and 12 step programmes.

There are some very good books out there both for your husband and for you.
You are a co-dependent in this, and unfortunately, though you may not realise it, your actions may be sustaining his lack of self-examination. There's a book called "Don't call it Love" by Patrick Carnes which may help you. Forgive me if you have already read it or explored this subject in great depth. It will help you to understand your husband's behaviour, and the affect that it has had on you, him, and all the other people involved in his life.

My pain and grief was so great at the loss of my love and my family, that I knew I needed to get help, not just in the hope of restoring my R with W and kids, but for myself.
As someone who has realised that I do have that problem, I know that it can re-occur at any time, and it's a process of re education and determination to be a better person. It's also good to keep in mind that it's "progress not perfection"

I think that you are doing the right thing by allowing him to be at home to see the kids, but I would think that you absolutely must set more boundaries about his behaviour with OP. In truth, I think that if you wanted to allow him to become more aware of his personal issues, you have to make him reflect on what is important to him in his life. I mean REALLY important. As someone with a SA, he will no doubt see sexual activity as high on his list of priorities for feeling "fulfilled" and happy.
But you cannot play his game anymore. You are worth WAY more than that.
I know it's desperately hard when you want to make your marriage work, and you love him with all your heart. But trust me, when you begin to see your own true worth, and YOUR self esteem and dignity begins to return, you will be able to detatch in a way that will have a truly dramatic effect on his whole perspective.

Now I loved, and still do love my girl more than anything. I never stopped loving her or wanting her, even when I was mid online affair. I don't know your husband or the true dynamics of your R, and I can't say for sure what kind of person he is. But I do know that if you get informed, and start to act in your own best interests, this WILL have a dramatic effect on him. You can never "make" someone with a SA get help. They will deny responsibilty, or the severity of the problem till the cows come home. They've got to realise that there are consequences for their actions, and get to the point that they know they simply must get help.

You can do this by detaching, acting "as if", and by making him see that his safety net is being removed from him. Even if you don't feel that way, (and btw, I count him a very very lucky man to still have his W and marriage), and you want more than anything to have him back, you can still give him the impression that you are not going to be there for him forever.

Honey, I really feel for you with this OW in the picture. My wife also is involved with OM. But you must realise that this is not about her or you. It's about him.

Also, though I know you have kids and it's hard, you need to start thinking about you. Make yourself look and feel good by wearing or buying some new clothes. Wear make-up, perfume....... anything that helps you feel better about yourself when you look in the mirror. Try to get out with a girlfriend on a night out. Listen to music that you love, try to have fun.

I realise I've just told you to do what I should be doing more of too, (apart from the make-up and perfume bit of course!!).
I know what I'm telling you is true, and I do hope I can help you with a kind of insiders perspective.
I'm in the UK too, so I can relate to many of the social factors.

If I can help you in any way at all, then it will make me feel good about myself, so I guess I'm not being entirely selfless here. LOL.

Do take care, and if it means anything at all, I think you have a good deal more to be hopeful about than I think you'll ever know.

[happycamper]

Thanks for your input tmi.

I want to rush. I want to make a decision now. I want to cut it out of my life and move on. I guess it's probably quite common. When I start thinking that I could DB, it gets so confusing - he doesn't want me, he's never going to come back, and I couldn't deal with him even if he did want to. The thought of another R with him is frightening.

[happycamper]

Hi Grant

Thanks so much for your post and the time you spent writing it. It is interesting to read what you have to say.

I think if you are a sexual person, and you end up feeling that you are not desired in your R, I know with me, it pushed me toward an online sexual relationship.

That is very true for my H, I know that. I don't know how much you have read of my stuff, but I had major sexual problems in the first 10 years of our R, and although they don't excuse H's behaviour, they certainly contributed to his insecurity big time.

If you continue to validate someone with an addiction of this type, I think it only prolongs the period of denial about the extent of their problem.

Do you think I am validating him? In what way? Am curious to know what you mean...

I think that you are doing the right thing by allowing him to be at home to see the kids, but I would think that you absolutely must set more boundaries about his behaviour with OP.

In what way? What sort of thing do you mean?

I know it's desperately hard when you want to make your marriage work, and you love him with all your heart.

Sadly, the thought of my marriage 'working' fills me with fear, and I cannot say that I am actively looking for reconciliation. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing (see above post) but 90% of the time I consider this R to be over.

I have stated quite categorically that unless he is actively working on his issues (preferably by joining a 12-step programme)I would not wish to reconcile our R. The thought of getting back together with him, his behaviour continuing after a honeymoon period, and then telling the children we are splitting up again drives me to shut the door on this thing for good.

Do take care, and if it means anything at all, I think you have a good deal more to be hopeful about than I think you'll ever know.

Hmmm... do you mean that if I detach fully from him and don't stay in a position of enabling him that it could bring about a significant change in him, enough to make a R with him safe for me?

Please do reply if you have time, I would like to read your answers to the above!