I slept all day today. The singles meet up group meets every month - so I will go in September.
The last 5 years has had two stressful components. The first was the D and the second was career. I was at a point where I had to push very aggresively in my career to get to the next stage.
I used my career to bury myself in work for 5 years and since the type of work I do is conducive to not having a life - it was okay.
In many ways my healing has taken a different path b/c I didn't have kids with The X, The X didn't cheat on me, and my M was relatively shorter and b/c I am a little nutty ambitious.
Another event occurred a month or so ago that gave me an additional sense of D peace. The X and I have a common friend. I bumped into him when I went out for breakfast one weekend. He said that The X told him how he had spent three years of his life killing himself after our D. He has a high pressure job and immediately after our D he enrolled in a very challenging executive MBA program. That he didn't even start dating till over 3 years after our D. He is a little nutty ambitious too.
Michele told me during my first session with her - chances are The X was probably feeling exactly the same way I was. He survived his D in a similar way too... Maybe we were too alike - maybe we just didn't know how to be M. I knew nothing about long term R's and the work it takes to sustain one. I thought if you fell in love with someone - it was suppose to end happily ever after.
I would be lying if I said I didn't drop the ball at my end. I didn't realize that if you didn't work at it - well it was possible to fall out of love with someone. And while there was a time difference - we both eventuallly reached that point.
Last year when I left on vacation I had a goal. The X did not agree to have children and that use to be a source of pain for me. I made a decision to let it go and I did. That part of my life is not as real as today. The children I am planning on adopting are much more real to me than those that I planned to have with The X at one time - even though I am waiting for a referral.
This year I have another goal. I want my contact with the word Divorce to parallel that my contact with the word papaya when I get back from my vacation This is with respect to typing the word, reading the word, speaking the word. It is possible I will be using the word papaya a lot more - but hopefully I will use the word divorce a lot less. I need to let this part of my life go to be able to move onto the next part.
I will be rested when I return. While life has its ups and downs - life is generally in a balance.
I pushed myself a little too hard the last 5 years. And the balance is recent - but hasn't cancelled out the effects of the imbalance the past 5 years.
I don't know if I know enough about long term relationships to make one work. But if I never try even baby steps in that direction - I will never find out.
take care, AG
11 days from right now - I will be probably be drinking a frozen umbrella drink at the bar on the beach!
The did sleep all night. I need to get unwired. I am scheduling a massage for today. And going to an evening yoga class.
I am see part of the problem is just when I start to feel a little rested - I dive into work again.
I am going to shoot for a normal work schedule - an 8 hour day and then turn it off well before bedtime.
I thought I was balancing life but really I was working much more during the week so that I would have time to get a life on the weekends. Just squeezing what I did over 7 days into 5.
When one door closes another one opens. It is possible that if the Humongo Client door should close - there are a number of doors that pay more that will open... Since these are companies that compete against each other - I will have to choose one and let the other go.
However, nothing can be decided today. It will probably be at least 3-6 months before the possibilities present themselves for choices to be made. And at this point I really do not know how the cards will fall with respect to Humongo Client. They are in transition - I am outside counsel. While I am one of their acting in-house counsel - I am not really viewed as one of the old guard during this massive housecleaning. There is a possibility they will need me more.
So I need to not think about this now - and let it go b/c thinking about it right now just adds stress. I need the strength to ride this out and be patient and not say or do anything till the time is right.
On the taking steps to put myself out there and meet more people - men and women. The thank you party for the volunteers where I volunteered at the beer tent is this Saturday. And there is a bar association happy hour downtown next week. The goal is to go to a social event at least once a week. That too is coming together - the effort I made the past few months are bearing fruit now.
The other goal is when I go to a social event - I have to make the effort to look nice. I have continued the mascara/lipstick thing. And I have upgraded my wardrobe with new summer clothing - and it is nice but very casual laid back type of clothing. Ann Taylor and The Loft should be almost giving away their summer clothing by now - I am going to stop by and see if there is anything left in my size.
I am also going to schedule a hair cut. It has been 8 months since my last one - things need to be shaped. And maybe I will even get my eyebrows done again - they have grown back since the last time.
The Resort is French - so there are evenings where you dress up a little more. I can take these dresses there. I will draw the line at high heels - I absolutely hate high heels. I feel like I am one step away from falling down. I use to use The X as a walking stick on those rare occasions I use to wear heels.
I know - too many goals again... I want to have my house completely together before I leave. I hate coming home to housework after a vacation. That really will take one full day of cleaning.... I need to look into a maid service when I get back. I need to offload some of the things in my life to someone else. I simply cannot do it all myself.
And it is possible that I am turning Republican - I know quite a change considering my prior rants and my very liberal social standing. But really I am getting nothing - nada - zippo back from the gov't. Nope didn't get rebate checks either. That is part of my stress too... I never thought this would happen - but that is part of the anger I am feeling lately. And really I am ready to make less than pay more in taxes. My parents will shoot me...will make for an interesting discussion with my dad... Barbara is right - my anger towards SAHM was wrong. I need to take more steps to take care of me. This is a world where really everyone looks out for themselves. I have spent far too much of my life thinking of others first.
I am still tired. I still need the vacation. And my sleep cycle is not back to normal yet. Hopefully some of the goals for today will get me back. While I have done some crazy late nights working - sleep has never been a problem for me. For that matter that matter - neither has food. Not eating enough is probably part of the tiredness problem. And then my workout is off - and that stresses me out even more.
Life is good - I just need to get my life back in order.
Humongo Client Goals: Keep doing what I have been doing. I will not react to The Turbulence. No decisions can be made for 3-6 months. Gratuitous worrying does nothing.
Assistant: I am going to hire an assistant on an hourly basis as a contractor. I met a woman when I went out for my B-Day celebration with M GF that was sitting at a table on the way out. She does not have patent experience but does have paralegal experience and is looking for something part-time. I went into interview mode and she impressed me. She is not looking for benefits. I have her contact information and will give her a call when I get back from my vacation. I know even two sheets to the wind on margaritas and grenadine - I can switch into work mode immediately! LOL!
Taxes: Right now on top of all my normal taxes - I am paying 6.2% self employment taxes on every dime after business expenses and BEFORE any deductions. This raises my taxes to a ridiculous level. There is this thing called a professional corporation which might provide some relief. Since I had to fire my last accountant for drunk dialing late at night - I need a new one. A friend recommended hiring his financial advisor to structure things and an accountant to handle the taxes after the business is structure. I will do that when I return from my vacation.
The long term goal is to grow my firm. This will serve the dual purpose of a more tax friendly structure and I will be poised to expand. Not sure when this became a certainty in my head! LOL! I use to circle about it. Now it just feels natural to say that I have plans to expand.
Appearance: WIll make a hair appointment today. I usually chop off a big chunk for locks of love every year and just shape the rest. So I never really know exactly how long my hair will be or what it will look like when they are done! LOL! It is hot and my hair is feeling heavy. It will be nice to go short again.
Eyebrows - how on earth does one find time to shape these things every 6 weeks! Lesson learned - do not have them done immediately before a social occasion. I looked like a swollen brow person at that baar association dinner in May. I had never had my brows done before and was horrified when I looked in the mirror. I didn't realize things were swollen and thought it was what I would look like for months! LOL! The facial lady also told me I had a horrific mustache and waxed that too - NOT doing that again - hurts too much and that was red and raw even longer! There are limits to how much pain I will tolerate for beauty.
I will stop by the stores on Saturday morning after yoga to buy the summer dresses.
Housekeeping: I am going dedicate Sunday to house stuff.
The seal on my rug shampooer needs to be replaced. Right now I have to sit on the top of the thing and look like I am riding the thing to create a seal when I clean up kitty messes! I want to clean the rugs downstairs before I leave on my vacation.
I bought a new pan set a few weeks ago. I want to clean out the cabinets, throw out the old stuff and make room for the new ones. I know I will probably end up cleaning out all the cabinets - it is getting easier since I have started doing this every year. The goal is to phase out all non-stick and plastic out of my kitchen before kids. Non-stick is gone with new pan set. I need to get rid of the plastic containers and replace it all with glass.
Workout: Slept better last night. I think I have more of an appetite today. I am pushing my morning workout to this evening. I think I will cut the intensity in half till after my vacation. Given my tiredness and lack of appetite. I am just stressing myself out by pushing myself right now. I have lost six pounds - it took me three months. While it takes me forever to lose a single pound - the good news is it takes a lot for me to gain it back. I can afford to cut back till after my vacation.
Work: (i) Today I want to start drafting a patent that has been sitting on my desk for weeks. I want it out the door by Friday and filed before I leave. (ii) Management stuff: Need to switch to impending vacation mode so I can go no cell phoneless laptopless vacation. (iii) There are a couple of minor documents I need to draft. I am going to only do those that need to filed by Sept. 7th. Anything that can wait - will wait.
Social life: Volunteer party on Saturday. I am no longer annoyed by beer tent man. I am much more comfortable simply saying no not interested. If he annoys me - I will be firmer. I will not allow him to make this an issue for hours like he did at the last gathering. Simply put - NO means NO - NOT MAYBE.
Now I am off to work on that patent. Mentally I am feeling better. Sometimes getting busy again with a tangible set of achievable goals is just what I need to stop being tired.
I have posted in the past that when I set goals they have an uncanny way of happening... And I use to say I have a career guardian angel b/c well my of my goals were career related.
But in the past few months I have been setting personal life goals and they have been happening too! Maybe when we set goals - really set them from within - not just lip service goals - subconsciously our actions align themselves with our goals... I will have to add non-work related goals to my work related goals and see if this continues...
In any case, yesterday, I was walking outside feeling a little frustrated that my garden seemed to have lost the power to relax me...so essentially not being able to detach from not being able to relax was stressing me out more - very counterproductive...
I saw the neighbors/friends (H and W) from across the street stroll over to talk to neighbors/friends (H) next door. So I walked over there. It was around 7 pm. We all have high pressure careers and been neighbors for almost 10 years. And in the past - we use to socialize all the time. Yesterday - we realized it had been years since we had all talked! And as we were discussing that - the W drove up returning from her job - stopped her car and yelled - I can't believe my eyes! Have the planet suddenly aligned themselves!
We all ended up getting together and just sitting and sharing a bottle of wine. It was so nice and relaxing. We talked about how we could have allowed this to happen - how could we not have done this for maybe at least two years when we all live across the street from each other! I felt a little less insane and a lot more relaxed.
It is funny - we don't see each other often or even talk often. Sometimes months go by... But somehow when one of us is going through a crisis - we would always happen to find ourselves together. They were all there by my side the day - The X moved out for the last time with the moving van. If for some reason if I don't get my paper from the driveway - one of them always checks to see if I am okay.
And then well all the planets in all the systems aligned themselves! LOL! My doorbell rang this morning and it was a third neighbor - both H and W work too. She invited me to a party tonight and said it will be the neighbors that I socialized with last night. Okay - I do not how many years it has been since all 7 of our schedules were aligned! LOL!
So I reassessed all my goals and had to add and move Making Sangria to the top of the list.
AND then - I was out walking one of my cats when I met a neighbor from my neighborhood walking her dog. And it turns out she walking and running are a part of her workout AND she works so it will fit my schedule of early morning and late evening. We exchanged numbers and she is going to join me on my breast cancer walk training walks.
I do have in insane goal - not sure if I want to add it to my list... It is long term... One of the women has also lost The Bulge and is shooting for Bikini Body and said I should join her. Bikini Body is really hard... I mean spandex is so convenient it holds in what I lack the ability to hold in or hold up myself.... I would have to drop 12 pounds, add upper body stuff and get serious about pilates... We would be shooting for next summer...
I don't know about this one... Spandex is a woman's best friend.
It took me awhile to fall asleep last night - but when I did - I slept deeply for the first time in weeks. The appetite is still off... I guess it will return in good time.
AND I will be arriving at The Resort around this time in EXACTLY 8 days! Life is good! It is gradually but surely approaching very good again.
Everything I need in my life is right here and is here now - it is just so hard to see that sometimes...
Social Life: I really enjoyed last night. Not too much drinking and real conversation about real things. The food was wonderful. I am so sold on grass fed beef now! We formed teams with kids and adults and played a game much like board games use to be - and well it is software now.
I had locked the kitties in the house - so they wouldn't spend the entire evening sitting on my neighbors driveway waiting for me! LOL! They do that when I visit a neighbor that lives across the streat. After the party, it was a beautiful night - I took the kitties for a midnight walk. I feel like a Kitty Pied Piper with three cats running and playing behind me. We usually walk almost 1/2 mile this way! I think I would have been burned at the stake as a witch if I have lived during the Salem witch hunt days.
Appearance: I decided to run to the stores yesterday - it is less crowded during the week. I do have a goal fulfiling guardian angel. A huge sale started yesterday. I arrived at the store at 3:30 pm and they were just opening their doors - there had been an unexpected power outage. So I was the first to go through the seriously marked down dresses - as in 75% off! I bought two dresses and two skirts - all flowing and feminine look. And the saleslady brought a top to go with one of the skirts and I tried it on - it made me look rather endowed! I looked at the tag and saw it was a small - so that is the secret... I did buy it. I am not use to this - so not quite sure if I can get past the I look like a Ho feeling with this top.... We will see if it ever leaves the hanger...
Working Out: My weight goal is really to get back into the range I use to be at when I worked downtown. The upper end of that range is 3 pounds away and the lower is 8 pounds away. A Bikini Body (BB) would be 5 pounds lower and a lot more working out. I don't need to decide if I want to do that today - so I won't. Besides maintaining a BB is next to impossible - it would just be a silly fun goal.
Housekeeping: I work from home so if my house is a mess - I cannot get away from it by going to an office - and that adds stress. I am doing a massive housecleaning today. I bought this stuff called A Barkeeper's Friend yesterday - it is working wonders on stainless steal!
Work: Well nothing - IT IS THE WEEKEND!!!!
Vacation: I did forget another goal - stopping by the dive shop to make equipment rental arrangements and buy new fins and a weight belt. I have ancient kind that you weave the weights into - I want the one with pockets. And I need to look into a new set of lightweight skins. I have two - one is well over 20 years old and very faded... time for a new backup one.
I usually work right up to when the taxi arrives to take me to the airport when I leave on vacation. The last few times I left - even for the seminar - the flight was at 6 am and I stayed up through the night and left for the airport at 3:30 am. And then I crash completely for about 24 hours - sometimes longer when I arrive wherever I am going. I rarely am awake when the plane takes off and wake up when I feel the plane land with a bump. This time feels strange - like I have too much time on my hands before I leave b/c I had to make unwinding NOW a priority. And no I am not going to cancel my vacation - but I feel guilty going b/c I am starting to feel rested BEFORE my vacation. I am going to be awake and ready to have fun on the day I arrive - well the plane will be landing there a week from NOW at this very moment!
How and when did relaxing and having fun become a luxury? There always seems to be something that needs to be done - so hard to force yourself to just not do it... For example - like now - I am considering not going to the volunteer gathering that is starting in an hour - b/c I am 1/2 way into really deep cleaning my kitchen... I am a freak.
The sun is shining and it has the power to make me appreciate summer and smile again. Life is GOOD.
There is something about this goal setting thing...
I recently decided that I was finally ready - after 5 years post D - to put myself out there. Not lip service ready - but really ready to take some chances.
It is almost creepy how you really do get back based on what you subconsciously put out there...
(i) The Frenchman that I met at The Resort 15 months ago called! LOL! He use to work at the Resort, has since left and moved to CA and started his own business. Island romances do not translate well into reality. If we do keep in touch - it will be as friends. But it was certainly an ego boost.
(ii) Not sure what to make of this one... Do not even know if he is single... Will just sit back and let events unfold and facts revealed...
This is an attorney that I send work to... And one of my gagilion R (avoidance ?) rules is I do not get involved with people I work with, send work to or work for...
> The Patent Office called him with an issue - he called me b/c he needed my authorization to proceed. Did the business small talk thing - turns out he worked at NASA at the same time I did. He did the "we have represented Humongo Client for years - typical selling himself speal.
> I went to the seminar in Houston - and he mentioned that his firm had a table - perhaps we would meet. Nothing extraordinary - I met other people I send work to - one of them invited me as a guest to a museum gala. Outside counsel often try to arrange to get together with in-house - and I am an "acting" in-house...
> Then shortly before I left - very professional email (see below). Still nothing extraordinary - very normal for people I send work to - to want to meet with me. Didn't meet for breakfast or go to the dinner mentioned below so we didn't meet.
AG: I believe you said you were in town this week for the SEMINAR meeting. If you have some time, maybe we could meet for breakfast one morning. I'm not sure if I'll be able to attend the meeting, but will be at the dinner Thu night.
Regards, Attorney
Business breakfast before 9 am was not going to happen! LOL! This was a semi-vacation - I slept in or worked out.
> I liked the quality of his work and wanted to send him more work - but had forgotten his name. Then there was work that had been previously handled by his firm - sent him the follow up work - like I normally do with firms that produce quality work.
> He returned his bid form with the following:
AG,
I'm glad to see our paths have crossed! I'll send back the bid shortly.
Warm regards,
Attorney
> A little surprised to see the paths crossed sentence... Usually all comments are very gender neutral... Didn't reply to that email - outside counsel often sends a thank you email when I send them work. In any case when I did receive his bid - I did my typical reply "Approved - Please proceed. Regards,AG" and copied my assistant for Humongo Client records.
> So now I am wondering a little... Is this flirting... I am not offended... He is interesting - a good attorney - my age and well I do have weakness for EE's LOL - I am curious... So far if this is flirting - he has been completely and absolutely okay with my authority with respect to the work I send him so far...
> In any case, he will be sending the completed work for my review later on this week. I suspect I will have no revisions - but if I do - will be interesting to see his response. Some men like PC to do not respond well to a woman telling him what to do...
> I am intrigued. For all I know he may be M and may be flirting with an agenda. I mean he knows nothing about me - part of that whole Remington Steele law firm thing - there is no information about me anywhere - and no pictures of me anywhere. He doesn't know my marital status - women never ever discuss family at work in my work environment - it can hurt you. It has come back to haunt me on the two occassions I relaxed and revealed personal info. at work. A part of me is wondering if I met him during my days at NASA and he remembers me... My division trained a lot of other people there in the basic classes - and well I also had a very active "social" life. I really hope I didn't "mingle" with him 20 odd years ago and have forgotten...
As this plays out, it will be interesting to see how I react to a man that appears to be flirting with a woman that he is working for... He is taking a risk - in that in my line of work not being noticed is a good thing unless it is b/c someone produces exceptional work. By virtue of his "maybe flirting email" - he is on my radar in that I will know it is him when I review his work. Normally I review so many documents - while I notice the firms - I don't always notice the attorney - unless it is a friend...
Aimless rambling... Too much time on my hands before a vacation. The kitchen is almost spotless - inside and out. Moving onto sorting through and organizing work clutter today, want to fertilize the lawn and change the remaining temp shades on some windows.
I feel a little off w/o the work pressure... even a little depressed - until I jump into another type of work... I think I am a workaholic.
I want to clean the rugs downstairs before I leave on my vacation. 
I am going to be awake and ready to have fun on the day I arrive - well the plane will be landing there a week from NOW at this very moment! 