Any advice for navigating this time period? My H still lives here in a separate room, does family things with me and D, but has OOW -- his second. He's never met her and she lives across the country, but they talk by cell and online.
I believe things are not that great between them now... I'm worried about navigating this wave; I don't want him to find yet another OOW.
A little background: The bomb dropped in June when I found correspondence between him and first OOW... He did meet her and was honest with me about it ( the bomb was basically the classic ILYBINILWY speech), assured me "nothing happened" with her, that they were "just friends," that it wasn't what I thought, but I don't know what to believe, obviously. About a month after I found out, apparently they "broke up" or whatever you want to call it. Apparently he was heart broken. (How do I know this? I snooped...)
I realized after snooping, in hindsight, when it occurred and what my H's mood was like at the time. For me, this time was early in DB and we were not getting along that great, I was having emotional waves and clearly I wasn't that "attractive" during that time period.
Soon after, another needy OOW swooped him up, and this one fed into his emotional mess even more than the first woman did. So he fell, hook, line and sinker, for her neediness. She would send him e-mails about being "soulmates" and send him daily "kisses" and call herself his "Mrs." and "bride" and yada yada yada. And, oh yeah, she's married, unhappily.
I sense things are not right with him right now, and I'm suspecting something is going sour with OOW. But I also don't feel my H connecting to me as well. Sure, we get along, friendly (thanks to DB) but we spend almost no time together without D as a buffer.
After educating myself about DB and affairs and trying to be patient through all of this, I thought (and hoped) that when the OOW disappeared that I might have a chance in his heart again.
Now I'm not so sure. So any advice on how to navigate these waters? I don't want to make a wrong move at such a crucial time -- I want to show him the wonderful person that I am, that I am patient and kind, that I am worth staying married to and that I can make him happy.
I know DB is the number one answer, and I'm trying so very hard to continue these efforts and work on me -- I'm just worried that H is so blind he won't see it and not sure if there's any words of wisdom from the veterans here.
Anyone?
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
I imagine H is hurting so much from rejection of OW at the moment that he isn't seeing YOU clearly. Keep on with that DBing - eventually the fog Should rise and he will see just exactly it is who has been constant and supportive in his life. Become the woman HE fell in love with in the first place.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Keep on with that DBing - eventually the fog Should rise and he will see just exactly it is who has been constant and supportive in his life. Become the woman HE fell in love with in the first place.
Saffie,
This is what I am trying to do, but I still have that fear. I'm much stronger than when I first found out, but I still love my H despite this and I'm hoping he can remember why he fell in love with me. When the bomb dropped and I was a pursuing mess, he just kept saying it wasn't about the OW; that the whole thing just made him realize he wanted to be ALONE... That crushed me. I'd almost it rather be about the OW than that, but it also made me realize that this is so HIS problem. I may have helped contribute to the marriage issues, but at least I'm willing to work on them.
I'm glad to see that you survived your sitch. It gives me hope!
Thanks a bunch for responding to my post!
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
I'm a new poster & my H said the same thing - "this isn't about her!" Well, stop going to her & make it about us! Weird thing is, 95% of what he's told me about the OW is negative, including whether he thinks they have a future together. It is most definitely HIS problem.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
It is actually true though that it isn't about OW. Something was wrong in the M - otherwise they wouldn't have wandered. They would have found another OW if they hadn't found that one.
Of course, that doesn't make OW's behaviour ok. Carrying on with a married man is just yucky and plain nasty and shows what they are really like. I hate the OW my H got involved with and even now, years after resolution, I hate her; I have just had to come to accept that. She is a woman of NO moral fibre. She even left her own H and small children to try and entice my H away - she was after his money and the prestige of his job. As soon as she saw it didn't work she went running back home squealing like a little pig - she'll do it again to some other guy....of that I am certain. If it's any consolation, they are probably being lied to by our H's as well whilst the A is going on. I think both the cheating partners are liars.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I know my H was emotionally vulnerable when he met this woman -- and like you said, it still doesn't make it OK!
The oddest thing to me is something my H would joke about over and over in our marriage: He always said he would never "cheat," because he's too lazy and it would require too much work to sneak around. I actually believed him.
Well he definitely found a lazy way to sneak around -- on the computer! I think the online/internet stuff is definitely contributing to marriage problems in a major way, because it's too easy to sit at home, start chatting and suddenly be wrapped up in somebody. It's much harder, in some ways, to do that in real life since you actually have to make time "out" of the home and be physically away from your family to develop that type of relationship.
In the early days, when my H first got wrapped up in this stupid online role-playing game, my H would actually sit in the living room with his laptop, with me watching TV. I excused it because, frankly, he is a computer programmer and often needs to "do work" from home, check in on network issues at night from home when no one is on his system at work... So it made it "easy" for him to hide it.
Of course, I remember first being really annoyed (and possibly suspicious) in Feb or March when we were watching TV, he was online and suddenly he was laughing hysterically. I asked him what he was laughing at and he said "They are trying to throw me in the water/ocean..." in Second Life and I thought "Okay! Weird!!!" and it made me a little uncomfortable that my H was taking such "joy" in this fake, cartoon, world online.
I never liked it, from the start -- when he first logged on to it, he was showing me and his "character" arrived in some group of people in dominatrix gear and I thought it was kind of scary/weird/dark. So I've never liked it since then... even though my H tried to validate by talking about all the businesses who own "land" in the game and host "conferences" and "meetings" in the game. He actually first got on it for work, so it was a legitimate reason that has now gone too far and contributed to the downfall of our marriage.
Originally Posted By: saffie
If it's any consolation, they are probably being lied to by our H's as well whilst the A is going on. I think both the cheating partners are liars.
I know he lies to OOW, at least little white ones. Like he will tell her he's doing things with our D, but he's actually doing something with BOTH of us. The other night we all went to a baseball game -- D and I met him after work at the stadium. He told the OOW that he had to "pick up" our D and "take her" to the game that night -- like he is some noble, committed father and it was his custody night or something. But lo and behold, it wasn't the truth -- we both met him at the game (because it was halfway between his work and home, so it made more sense to "meet" him there) and watched the game together, as a family. He even waited to go in the lot one car ahead of me, so he could pay my parking fee. And we bought a "family pack" of tickets... I guess he's "protecting" the OOW from the fact that we still do things together as a family.
So that's just one little white lie this week. I wonder what other lies he's telling her?
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
The oddest thing to me is something my H would joke about over and over in our marriage: He always said he would never "cheat," because he's too lazy and it would require too much work to sneak around. I actually believed him.
My H said something similar.....and like you I believed him!!!
Quote:
Well he definitely found a lazy way to sneak around -- on the computer! I think the online/internet stuff is definitely contributing to marriage problems in a major way, because it's too easy to sit at home, start chatting and suddenly be wrapped up in somebody. It's much harder, in some ways, to do that in real life since you actually have to make time "out" of the home and be physically away from your family to develop that type of relationship.
Oh no, it's quite easy to do it out of the home too. You just need to be the boss and do it with a member of your staff. Business trips become little 'love trips' and what's even better is the company saves money because they only have to pay for one luxury hotel room not two - so you are doing the business a favour at the same time!!!
Oh , and of course, all the staff know, so when I get taken to official functions I am the only bozo in the room who doesn't know - it was just Fing fantastic!!!!!!!
No wonder I attempted suicide and ended up drugged out my brains for nearly 12 months.
But look at my signature line....it worked out - so never say never!!!!!
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
