Hi guys- thanks for posing to me..i know Ive been missing- but Im working very hard at my M....
its been mostly good- but a little rough as well. we arent buying a house now- my H said we were moving too fast. i listened and validated. then his fears all came up big time and he said he wasnt sure about us...not really about us making it- but just about the pace of everything. i was sad and hurt. so i cried.. the first time i have cried since the bomb (in front of him)...it was needed for me to tell him how i am putting all my trust in him. separating from my family, moving, selling, etc....he said it was just too fast...then he went to see a therapist (YAY!) he felt relieved after and my therapist was the one who saw him and said he needs time...basically thats all..in fact he came home last night (which was only a day after the therapist) and talked about places to live...so im trying to hold onto myself while adjusting to this new M, detaching from my family, in grad school, working and trying to take care of myself.
i must say it has been hard. a little fear did creep in when my h said we were moving too fast- but i do agree with him...
i have slipped a little on listening and validating- and i think he feels it- but part of me didnt feel heard at all so i told him this. it is along process...
so if you get your M's back - it is amazing and a gift- but the work will never be over...
we arent very intimate- we snuggle and kiss but he keeps saying he isnt ready yet- we have only ML like 2-3 times...he is sort of in his own world..i think he has a lot to discover about himself- i just need to GAL and stop worrying about him for now. its making me NUTS!
i read your posts and i realize i need to PMA, GAL and ACT AS IF! Its funny how fast we can slip away from this when fear takes over ....
anywho- thats me - xo xo
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Pisces!! Wow you are still my and I'm sure others inspiration here. I'm glad that things are still moving forward..slowly but forward. Your H decided on his own to go to IC so that is remarkable!!
You are right PMA, GAL and Acting 'As-If' are the best methods to get through this no matter what stage we are in!! I think the secret to it it is combining all three no matter what even once we are back on track with our M!!
Sorry that things are a little rougher than you would like. Great sign that he saw a therapist and that the issue is time rather than the relationship in general.
It also seems good that you were finally able to express your feelings to him. I know the work never ends, but at least you are in a place where you CAN share your feelings even if you still need to be predominantly focused on his feelings for the moment.
I guess each sitch is different. Interesting that ML hasn't happened very often but you are still for all intents and purposes living together. In my sitch H wants to ML all the time, but is more worried about the living together sitch. At least you have the security. I think you are doing REALLY well!!! Don't they say 1 month of work for every year of marriage? If this is accurate, then you've only got a couple of months left :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
he is a little wacko right now- so i need to worry about ME and just let him be. i think ive been so excited about our future and placed a lot of pressure on him---ive already asked if he wanted kids...in a few years... (to answer your q ITH)...and he said how can we have kids if we arent having sex! we both laughed- but to me thats positive- because he didnt run 500 miles in the opposite direction when i said it!
also- i am kind of grieving my family- i want to separated from them- becuase they are very unhealthy and verbally violent- but i also am leting go of my "hopes" for them to be something they arent. My H knows this is hard for me so i think he is scared in someways that will take it out on him. i just have to keep reassuring him that he is my life and my family.
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
ps. what the heck is this no sex thing about? ive asked him and he just says he isnt ready yet...the last night he said he doesnt think his body was made to not have sex- so i jumped on him naked and he said he needed to sleep ( which he did) but JEEZ!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
I think there must be a way to overcome that though! Actually long before this whole marriage crisis we are going through now, we had a few years where H almost never wanted to have sex, and this was weird as he has a HUGE sex drive, I'm talking 3 times per night is normal. So I've only found out recently that this is because he was feeling pressured about things. Could your H be feeling some kind of pressure now? If he thinks are going fast maybe this is a part of it...Could you take a look at the Sex Starved marriage forums too? There just might be some ideas on there from other people going through similar things. I know it's early days, but always good to be well-informed and try new ideas ;).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
yes- he is feeling pressure - but mostly from inside himself..i think he is wanting everything to be "perfect" so he is clamming up... i literally am trying...i mean trying even when i dont feel like it- but i dont want to pressure him more!
i can't imagine 3 x per night- i think i would croak!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Yeah 3 times per night got to be a bit much for me! Now, with our whole weird sitch, when I'm here it's been usually once per night, but even up to twice. It's never discussed after the fact though.
From experience I would REALLY recommend not trying at all with your H at the moment, but instead trying to find ways to reduce any pressure by just seeming as confident and happy as possible, as this will make him feel more relaxed about his own internal pressure. I feel like I'm writing about a different person now, as I would kill for that to be my issue rather than what is actually going on, but I remember how painful it was. Anything I tried like wearing lingerie made no impact whatsoever. The only times that things seemed to be OK was when I didn't mention it or to allude to it for awhile, and we were just relaxed.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
very true- grashoppa, i will lay off or on - he he he... i think my self confidence has dropped a bit so i do pressure him more...time to STOP!
he is going away for 3 weeks for a training for work so i wont see him much- that will be hard- but maybe just what the doctor ordered....
im actually looking forward to me time and to getting myself back on track with exercise and hanging with my girlfriends!
also- ITH- i think you can relate to this:
my H is now throwing around the idea of moving away to the sierra's (3 hrs from where we are).. i would have to stop my current grad program - i told him i would and i can always go back to it. in the past he said he flet like i picked everywhere we moved- so im trying to stay calm and just let him lead...i think he should pick where we live so e fels calm and in control. part of me really doesnt want to give up the program- but i really think he needs to feel in charge and i have always sort of led the way and changed my jobs and moved us... any ideas?
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Oh I would love that opportunity...I would give up my job etc. to move somewhere with my H. Remember though that he has followed me across continents...
How do you feel about giving up the grad program? How much time do you have left? Is there any way to finish it and move for your H later, i.e. he goes first and you follow a few months later? Alternatively given that 3 hours isn't really THAT far, is your schedule flexible like you could just be there 2 days per week? After what you've already been through doesn't sound so bad...Otherwise I would say that unless giving up the grad school is career-limiting in some way, or really goes against everything you deeply want, I would move for H. I would let him take the lead. This is a fantastic opportunity to show him how much you trust him and are willing to be led by him...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
or on - he he he...