Who ever said the third time is the charm? This is my fourth attempt at linking my threads, and I've finally done it. Yay! And all because I've had the patient assistance of many people Ali, Bagheera and last but not least, Bworl who guided me in my journey of becoming the Linking Threadmaster
So, at the bottom of this page is my story, linked by four threads. I've added a few posts from over the past week to link into the bottom threads of the story. I was afraid of my H finding out about this site. But, at this point, there is nothing I can do about it. And, if he wants to know, then more power to him. I may feel differently next week and I'll deal with it then, but for now, I have to face my fears and move on. So, thanks to TD for helping me face my fears, again! Here is the rest of the story:
------------------------ Hi Twin,
I just wanted you to know I am here. I didn't read all your posts on this page because I was just now able to get back on this site. I will read them though. Also, I wanted to tell you that I had a major backslide on Monday. H didn't find out about some of it until yesterday though. It was another mess; -- phone convo.
Anyway, I'm sorry to hijack your thread, but I think he may have access to this site and my thread. At least that's what it looked like to me yesterday when I saw this site was in the computer's history. He admitted he was on the computer Wednesday night. And he seems to know when I'll be home so he can come when I'm not here.
Anyway, I'm pretty sad today because I find myself being really gunho to practice the DB principles, and then I get really really weak and blow the whole sha..bam! Not much support on my thread anyway. Oh well, I'm going down no-return road.
p
--------------------------- Poet,
Don't worry about hijacking my thread, I rarely get activity and it was kind of a final update anyways. Besides I am the worse hijacker on the site, which is why I put these threads together to tell my story. Most of my sitch is on other peoples threads....lol (I am glad people understand)
As far as him accessing your thread, this is a public site, so anything you write can be read from any computer (it doesn't have to be yours). You may feel safer in changing your name again or perhaps making a whole new account (if you change your name it will change all the old posts so he could easily find it again). Please be careful in covering your tracks....I am assuming you want to be somewhat anonymous. I know there are other sites as well, I can't vouch for them, since I have never been there, but they might be a safer place.
Having the backslides is very normal at this stage in the game.....this isn't easy, it is work.
Quote: Oh well, I'm going down no-return road.
What do you mean about this? Please take care of yourself
----------------------
I mean, last night was such a hurtful convo that I'm crying even now thinking about it. Things said were both of us saying there doesn't even seem to be anymore "friendship" and that was the one that hurt the most. He is so angry and I don't blame him. I've done some things to hurt him, and he seems to hold grudges even though that is what he accuses me of. He also said, "This is why I don't want to go to dinner with you. You just keep doing things to make me." (More about the dinner thing later in this post).
I reminded him last night of a comment he made at the beginning of all this ... "There is no healing." He claims he never said that, but he did. I said it back to him last night, and I'm horrified.
I can't get into more detail about it, but I definitely don't want to go to another site. I had a session with Michelle yesterday, and she wanted me to say certain things to him when he called me last night, but I never even got the chance to do that because he was so angry when he called me.
Earlier in the day, I had asked him to go out and eat with me this Sunday and he flatly refused, saying he didn't want to be alone with me. I asked, "Are you afraid of me?" He said no, he just didn't want to talk about the things I want to talk about, (probably meaning the divorce separation of property etc. or the R) but I said that I wanted to just keep it light. Then he just said, No, he didn't want to. Then later last night, during our convo when he was so angry, he said, "That's why I won't go out with you, because of things like this." That is what keeps me believing he doesn't want to see me -- period! He keeps coming up with one excuse after another, and it's always something different.
Michelle said I "have to believe that when he comes over to the house for whatever reason, he does want to see me." My negative MA keeps telling me he won't come over, he won't come over, he wants to move on, he's done with me.
Michelle wants me to go dark, and I am going to do this starting today. I need support. I need support. I need help. I'm sinking again. I know how to GAL and I'm doing it. I need words of wisdom if there is any hope at all of saving this M.
sorry for the ramble. hugs, poet -------------------- Poet,
Michele gave you some good words of wisdom. It seems like he is much too angry right now to be his friend. Going dark might be a good way to help "cool" things down a bit. If you do have conversations with your H and it starts heading away from a peaceful one then find a gracious way to get off of the phone. Right now you can not win an argument with him.....so there is no point in having one (even so there is no winning in arguments). Give him this space. Also throwing his words back at him as you know now doesn't work....he simply will deny them.
We are here to support you. I only suggested possibly another site, because if your H is reading everything you are writing/venting it may have an adverse effect on his outlook on things from two different perspectives; 1) he may not agree with what you are writing about him, 2) he may not "trust" your actions as being yours....i.e. he might think the only reason you do what you do is because you are told to do it here.
The best advice I could give about going dark would be to not concern yourself with what he is doing (i.e wondering if he is going to be at the house, wondering if he is going to call, etc). These things shouldn't matter to you. This isn't an excuse to be rude or vindictive....just you have your life and you are leading it. Also, I would find some things that truly take up time and give you peace. This isn't going to happen overnight and it is going to take some time.
And most of all keep telling yourslef that no matter what happens to your R, you will be OK. I know this is scary, but the more you face your fears and put them behind you, the better you will be at this whole DB thing
---------------------------
"...he might think the only reason you do what you do is because you are told to do it here."
Yes, I agree, TD. Thank you for reminding me of this. I'm am sure I do the things, I do here is because I WANT to do them, but H seems to have this nethermost-world perspective of me as far as my personality goes. I can do no good - while he, on the other hand, can do no wrong. Although he has said the breakup was "both our faults," I cannot truly judge the outcome of my actions without seeing him. And I cannot see him while I am so wrapped-up with how to deal with my own emotions, at this point.
I sometimes feel that I am a woman of strength, but this whole sitch has me in an almost imperceptible conundrum that I cannot seem to kick. What pushes my buttons? Why do I keep sliding into his ditches without holding onto my own dignity? THAT seems to be my biggest obstacle. I want to get out of this with dignity!
I think this is my most coveted desire. But, I also know that his pushing this, is showing his darker side. I always knew he had it. He once told me that, "I have been known to be an insensitive lout." Therefore, it doesn't suprise me, in essence, that he does not care what I need.
And, in all of this, I STILL can't let go of this deep seated fear that I NEED more time.
I want to keep loving him. In fact, I have even begun to realize that he wants what he wants and is not going to budge. I have all but decided to give him the house and let him go! I truly want him to be happy. I love him dearly ... so much so that I pray this is not just another addiction. But I NEED more time to JUST SORT OUT my feelings.
I read in a book yesterday that the WAS is ALWAYS at least a year ahead of us in dealing with their issues of separation and divorce, which leaves us hanging in the shadows EMOTIONALLY. This is the conundrum, with which I need the most help. I know I can do this, but he is not giving me the dignity of time. I have weathered many storms (sometimes worse). But the thing I need from him the MOST is more time to deal with this inside, and he does not want to give me this. I am going to need it if he is going to get what he wants, and I cannot TELL him this. I'm frightened...
poet
----------------------------
Quote: And I cannot see him while I am so wrapped-up with how to deal with my own emotions, at this point.
Then this is a reason to go dark.....know your limitations.....find yourself and find your strength.
Quote: I want to get out of this with dignity!
Picture what that is and set your goals around that. Dignity is different for different people.
Quote: I read in a book yesterday that the WAS is ALWAYS at least a year ahead of us in dealing with their issues of separation and divorce, which leaves us hanging in the shadows EMOTIONALLY.
This is a very good assessment. Most LBS are in shock and in catch up mode. That is where PMA and acting "as-if" really come in.....they allow you to "fake-it" till you "make-it". It is also where dim/dark and sep help in that you don't have to "fake-it" 24/7, you get a break to let your emotions out until you can catch up.
Don't be concerned about the time at this point....just work on you. You can't put a time limit on this but you can evaluate your progress from time to time. Until you get your feet under you, your effectiveness will likely be limited. In my sitch my W and I would go back and forth about having a third. She would always ask be "when" I would feel differently. This was an impossible question to answer. Also I feel setting these time limits just puts too much pressure that detracts from the real work.
I understand why you can be scared (these things are)....but what are you truly afraid of? Where is the fear coming from?
TwinDad
-------------------------
If I were to 'picture my dignity,' I want to put some thought into this before I write down my answer. I will go out and come back later today and give you my thoughts. Thank you, TD, for asking me to put some perspective on me. I needed that guidance.
"...you get a break to let your emotions out until you can catch up." This comment is so helpful! It takes away some of the fear and, therefore, helps me to understand part of what is taking place inside me.
"You can't put a time limit on this but you can evaluate your progress from time to time." You are so good at this TD. You always have a way of bringing me back down to earth. I picture myself floating just above the surface in my *airspace,* until you kindly point to the groud and say, "Suzanne, go here." Evaluating my progress! I need to be reminded of this from time to time, because if I don't, I begin to feel negative when, in reality, I know I have some positive thoughts too -- I can feel myself moving forward.
"Until you get your feet under you, your effectiveness will likely be limited." Isnt' THAT the truth. Maybe my effectiveness with my husband and my situation will *always* be limited, but I *can* attempt to get my feet down on the ground. Thank you, once again, for you wisdom and understanding of my sitch!
"...but what are you truly afraid of? Where is the fear coming from?" OK, these comments hit home. I cried when I read them. I walked away from the computer. I left the house. But, I came back to answer you. I typed in the question, and got some information from Yahoo. I do need to think a little bit about it before I give you an answer.
I'm going shopping for something for dinner. Maybe I'll go to the gym. When I get back, I'll put down my thoughts. I know this is not an "exercise in futility." I want to break out of this theme, and here is my opportunity to get started. Thank you for seeing some measure of possibilities in my instabilities. You are a Godsend! I'm not Arnold, but "I'll be back."
And just in case anyone is interested in the gory details of my sex life with my spouse, you may find this story interesting, especially if you are my husband. I decided that I may as well put it all out there.
Had a talk with my H today. He says he "...not going to forgive me this time" for my backslide last Monday. Also says he is not going to see me until I "...get it together." It's just an excuse. He comes up with one reason after another, and it's constant. He says, if I don't give him what he wants, "...we will just have to see each other in front of a mediator."
I love this one..... when I ask him if he loves me he says, yes, "But I am going to protect myself."
Had a talk with my H today. He says he "...not going to forgive me this time" for my backslide last Monday. Also says he is not going to see me until I "...get it together." It's just an excuse. He comes up with one reason after another, and it's constant. He says, if I don't give him what he wants, "...we will just have to see each other in front of a mediator."
I love this one..... when I ask him if he loves me he says, yes, "But I am going to protect myself."
Ok. I understood that Michele told you to go dark, which is different than not initiating. How did you get into this conversation?
Why did you ask him if he loves you ... that's pursuing.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I don't claim any knowledge of what makes some people choose to abandon a marriage that they vowed would be forever. Sometimes I suppose it's just a case of someone who didn't really think marriage was a big deal, maybe just a glorified living together with benefits, and all along figured if things got too rough or something better came along, they could just walk away.
And then sometimes there is just something that builds up inside of a person, something that hurts and yet feels empty at the same time. I can't tell the ages of you and your husband, nor how long the two of you have been married, but on this thread many people believe their spouse may be experiencing a troubled mid life transition.
I personally think the label doesn't really matter. I think we grasp for labels because we think they come with guarantees, both good and bad, and we tend to like guarantees.
What I personally experienced, and what I've read on this board tells me there are NO guarantees, MLC, WAS, or whatever else you want to call it.
You've been advised to pull back from your husband and leave him alone, and from what I've read on your other threads I would have to say that this sounds like a pretty good approach for you. Mostly because you are still VERY tied to this situation.
You recall what someone wrote about the leaving spouse having about a year or longer head start on the left behind spouse? Almost every question that you ask regarding your husbands words and actions (why, why, why?) can be answered with the fact that he began this process long before you were ever aware of it.
Now you have to do some catch up work.
And it's tough to do that when you are micro-analyzing everything that happens between the two of you.
If your husband is dead set on a divorce, he will do what he has to do - there is nothing much you can do about it.
We learn through DB'ing that we cannot control another person. We can make changes only to ourselves, and hope that those changes in turn provoke changes in the other person.
Right now your husband sees you very clearly. You love him desperately, you hate the thought of being divorced, you are sometimes angry with him because of his decision, and you are a threat to take away the possessions that he cares about now. He CAN control you, because you are so incredibly tied to how he responds to you.
You have to break that tie.
And it's one of the most painful and difficult things you will ever do.
You will feel as though you are being asked to give up on your husband and your marriage - and yet this is far, far from true.
You will feel as though you are doing the opposite of what you really want to do. You want MORE time and contact with him, not less. And we will remind you that just about EVERY contact with him now brings you agonizing pain. So we will tell you that you MUST reduce those contacts.
In a sense, you must stop being a guarantee to your husband.
He has no doubt about how you feel. He has no doubt that he could walk back in at any minute and be taken back. Even worse, he believes that you are incapable of living without him.
That gives him power.
You need to take that power back by breaking this tie for now.
There is a scripture verse that says something like "bad company corrupts good character." In a sense that is what is happening to you now by allowing yourself to interact with him too much.
Take control of your life.
Consider YOU for awhile instead of him.
He will do what he does. You do not have to agree to anything concerning a divorce if you don't want to. But you can't stop him from doing what he will do. So stop trying to. The more you fight, the more determined he becomes.
He now sees you as something to be avoided. Make yourself something to be desired and looked forward to.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
That really sums it up. They are having an "identity crisis" which can happen at any age. I just so happens that one at "mid-life" is the most notorious. Maybe because at that time it's the most destructive due to the probability of a spouse and children being affected.
That's why they seem so much like adolescents (of whom none know who they are yet). They are trying to figure out who they are. They literally don't know anymore (mine told me just that), so they go through a lot of the behaviors (experimenting) like they did when they were trying to figure out who they were the first time.
If he's in anger stage just stay away from him. Take Michelle's advice. Contact with him won't help the sitch but it sure can hurt (I know it's the opposite of what you desire). If I had this all to do over again and didn't have kids I would move away to a different state.
Heck I might move to another state even with kids.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Help. This is killing me. How do I "regain" myself. Why am I so needy? How do I learn to detach? These seem to be my biggest fears and my biggest obstacles. Am I addicted to being hurt by this man? He is becoming more hostile by the day.
