Moving from Separated... (and trying I guess, if you can call it that)... to here.
I have questions... when you've got a spouse in a full blown mid life crisis,... friends and family saying he looks spaced out, he's lost weight, looks old - doesn't look well plus shaved his head, etc etc etc and yet then ... making a spectacle of himself with his new girlfriend AKA the gold digging parasite... by slathering all over each other in public etc. (He's 55, she's 27)- How do you detach and keep it so to keep DB'ing, when you see and hear about their relationship escalating (the latest she's sporting a new expensive necklace) , ... and also deal with the insane amounts of lies and deceit that my H has done/said since this whole nightmare started?
She's been hiding her car in the garage of my old house for months etc. (which I knew about). Almost since the day I moved out.
We've been "officially" living in different places since late April. About 3 weeks ago, (I some how doubt she knew he was with me for an evening. Coffee and a movie)- we met and he was the nicest he'd been to me in a long time. Offering to buy extra junk food so we could share etc. (I went dark the month before after he told me that he and the parasite were seeing each other but then proceeded to lie to me about them only going out for 2 weeks. I walked out of the resto and told him to get stuffed, I was tired of his deception).
A month had gone by and out of the blue he called and tried to slide in the back door to see me by asking my "opinion" on what movie he should see. He then asked me if I ate... which I had... and so I made some comment about him just wanting to talk to me so he could go for something to eat and then he could go to a movie alone? He laughed and no... I'm asking you to go to the movie too. So I broke down and went out with him. He wasn't afraid to touch me, he arm rested up against me repeatedly during the movie etc. My H is still "in there" somewhere, I saw bits of it... bits of the old him there.
Last week, he called earlier (because I had already eaten the last time he impromptu called me up)... I wasn't home and he just invited himself out to drop of the mail. (Said something like it was a nice night... so he was going out for a drive. Was he expecting me to be home and we'd do that song and dance and make an "excuse" to see each other? I dunno)... Why wasn't he with the parasite, why wasn't he just enjoying a quiet night by the pool? MY pool. When she's not around, he'll gravitate towards me. I saw this early on when he wasn't aware that I knew about his affair and she was gone for a week. He was attentive, flirty etc etc. When she got back, he slid back into his sneaky ways and fell back into that addiction to her. (Dr Harley's books akin affairs to addictions). The in and out of the cave has happened in bits and spirts - as I've mentioned in my other threads... but I'm just so torn as to what to do next? Going dark has had some minor success with him missing me... and I KNOW this is their honeymoon phase, plus she's got 4 kids and all the other things that are stacked against this relationship... and doing nothing is the best thing I can do ... patience and all that. But this is killing me. Each new "event" in their relationship is like a knife reopening this wound, over and over again. I feel like I take one step in the right direction then it turns out that I'm still losing ground with him, it seems.
I know that he's puppy dog around her, they slather all over each other in public... friends of mine are appalled and sickened by their behaviour. (I've had so many comments from friends and acquaintances like: you don't know how many friends you really have - people are absolutely disgusted at his and her behaviour. You've got more friends than you know, nobody condones this relationship - including members of HIS own family ). I know his brain is all screwed up... he looks like crap... (this relationship is healthy for him????) But he's not an introspective kinda guy. He's following what feels good. Do I pursue him? Stay dark? This has been my dilemma from the beginning because he believes the relationship breakdown as being ALL my fault. The way I treated him etc. If I treated him reallllllly well... flirted etc... would it help... or just put me into a 3 day bed state where I pull the covers over my bloody head because it failed? I'm just so torn.
Because I left the neighbourhood, and since almost everyone else I know still lives out there... all my community of friends and family are there...it's really lonely and isolating. I"m GAL etc... and I'm just starting to reconnect with some friends there... but it's hard... because things "slip"... more tidbits about his deception etc. I know in his state that he basically wanted to just get me "out of there" so he could have his life with this new parasite. One of the other latest pieces of ridiculousness is he's even tried to invite one of our closest "couple" friends to a BBQ at MY house, with the new parasite. The couple didn't go. They're sickened by this all too. The male of our friends tried to talk to him earlier on, tried to talk some sense into him, my H lied up and down about not having an affair etc. My H has NO idea how much he's hurt me, he's in that narcissistic teenager/alien abducted stage and it's killing me. As much as I try to crawl out my funk... it's just like every time I gain a step up the ladder... it feels like I'm slammed down two rungs with his latest actions.
How do you keep the door opened enough to keep communication there,... be his friend without it killing you little by little on the inside? I was doing SO well... now I just feel the cuts open the wound again and again and when they do... it's like I’m right back at square one.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Your post really hit home for me as I am in the same situation/mindset as you. In fact I could have wrote the excerpts below from your post regarding my WAW MLC W.
Sorry I don't have advice for you as I am looking for the answers to the same questions. I feel however that I can only work on myself while the OM is in the picture. I think the OM and the fun she is having with him is occupying most of her thoughts right now. Plus my self esteem takes a big if I flirt with her only to see her spend her quality/relationship time with the OM. I am waiting and hoping the relationship with the OM will end.
I will be watching your post closely for responses.
Good Luck !
(1) How do you detach and keep it so to keep DB'ing, when you see and hear about their relationship escalating
(2) Doing nothing is the best thing I can do ... patience and all that. But this is killing me. Each new "event" in their relationship is like a knife reopening this wound, over and over again. I feel like I take one step in the right direction then it turns out that I'm still losing ground with him, it seems.
(3) He's following what feels good. Do I pursue him? Stay dark? This has been my dilemma from the beginning because he believes the relationship breakdown as being ALL my fault. The way I treated him etc. If I treated him reallllllly well... flirted etc... would it help... or just put me into a 3 day bed state where I pull the covers over my bloody head because it failed?
(4) My H has NO idea how much he's hurt me, he's in that narcissistic teenager/alien abducted stage and it's killing me. As much as I try to crawl out my funk... it's just like every time I gain a step up the ladder... it feels like I'm slammed down two rungs with his latest actions.
(5) How do you keep the door opened enough to keep communication there,... be his friend without it killing you little by little on the inside? I was doing SO well... now I just feel the cuts open the wound again and again and when they do... it's like I’m right back at square one.
Shell,... I found out mine bought her a car, this weekend. And she's sporting a shiny nice new expensive necklace. Her and her brats are happily spending time at MY house, at MY pool.
She's been brought around to the family, met everyone... the reports back aren't "good"... however, he's their brother, and he as is your wife is right now... they won't listen to reason. One brother actually told him he was a f'g idiot for what he's doing. But it fell on deaf ears.
Mine has "lost his mind". The whole fun, care free, no problems, alls well, and the money is flowing free and easy etc... is what is the draw. He gets sex and honeymoon type attention,... she gets lavished and she sees the $$$$ signs. He's 55, she's 27 with 4 kids. Nobody thinks the insanity will last... but my H is stubborn and isn't going to admit defeat easy. He'll just do what he always does... go find another diversion to avoid the problem. Frankly, I've resigned myself to the fact that she might bleed him completely dry. Eventually, yours and my spouses OW/OM will break apart. Reality will set in eventually. It's just what to do in the mean time. I know based on what I now know, that trying to connect with him isn't going to be successful. He's right off the rails.
I've all but decided to close the door ... go very dark and just hope that it will help me work on me and save me from going into a very deep depression. It's the test of GAL... how do you do that when you don't want a life without the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with?! But...Clearly NOTHING is going to stop this freight train at the moment, and I'm assuming the same with your sitch ... so it's our job to be stable as possible, and work on us. IF we still want to pick up pieces after our nightmare stops, then we take that on as a new sitch to face. It'll be a new relationship. You and I have to face that the old one is over. That's the hardest part of this... "over". Doesn't mean never, as success stories have shown here and some of them, I don't know how they've survived it ... "over for me" now just means that chapter of my life is gone.
I'm going to try to keep some communication open, but keep it brief, keep it polite. Letting go .. is the hardest thing I'm going to have to do with this... because up til this weekend, I still had hope. Hope is now gone for me. Maybe someday .... but I no longer can count on it because it's just become too painful. I thought even up til Saturday, I could still keep hold... but I know I'm "done". It's now time to leave it in a higher power's hands.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Just my opinion but I would do everything possible to do things for yourself.
Take up some new hobbies, get involved with activities, groups, friends, etc.
The other thing that I absolutely believe in is that a person has to do the following:
have lots of patience learn how to forgive no bad-mouthing husband and ow letting it be and leaving God to take charge lots or prayer loving unconditionally do not act clingy do not beg and plead that he not do this/do that
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Hey Abbey, I'm sorry you have been suffering and hearing those things about OW must have been such a slap in the face. Can I ask you - why did you leave the house and neighbourhood, if HE's the one that had the A?? Did he make you leave? Can you not ask for the house back and for him to move out !?? You are M so the house is legally half yours right? Not sure how you would play that one.
Yuo must feel very pushed out, as he is still there amongst family and friends and you have been sort of ostracised and it really is unfair. Its good that you are getting validation from all your friends and his family members - that this woman is no good for him, he looks a fool, whats he playing at. It would have been SO much harder if they had embraced her in any way!
As for your questions, I dont know either, but I will offer some opinions at least 1) - dont be so hard on yourself, maybe its not yet possible to detach as what you are hearing is painful. Give yourself more time, rome wasnt built in a day. Its a moving target, so one day, it wont hurt as much as right now.
2) Like Lisa...maybe just cast it from your mind, dont think about the reality of their R or wht new trinket he's buying her? Its just stuff and this R is doomed from the outset, so try and not dwell on it, easy to say I know! And who accepts a NEW CAR as a gift off someone you just started seeing !???
As for 3) - did you get a DB session? Seems like they would be best placed to answer this one. I guess for now, if he contacts you, I would say, mirror his communication, so say, if he emails to say how are you, email back saying ok, how are you? If he wants to go for a meal with you, accept graciously but try not to get upset/down around him? Hard again, I know, as I think this DBing stuff requires us to wear masks and to mask our emotions so as to make it safe for the WAS so spend time around us. Which is hard, you have to literally swallow your emotions.
4) Its bound to go in waves, or in cycles, I had this too... but I thikn its ever decreasing circles, so each time you dip down, after weeks, months, maybe the dip wont be so bad. Again, dont be too hard on yourself, you've had a huge shock and upset and its probably one of the most stressful things to have happened for many years, if ever? He wont help you out, as my ex hasnt, they left for whatever complex reasons and therefore, they are detached by nature and they seem to lack empathy. Its like they become selfish. I dont think for one moment though he doesnt realise and think about how hurt you are, he's clearly not stupid, he just cant make it alright, or do anything about it, so they shut it out, ignore it. Someone once said to me that guilt was our enemy - they feel tremendous guilt over hurting us and this can make them withdraw or avoid, so you have to lessen the impact of guilt. Be friendly and upbeat when he speaks to you. Of course, if you're 'done' then by all means, let rip at him and be damned hey !
5) If you feel this bad, then you have to stop DBing in terms of getting him back and protect yourself. Dont initiate contact. If its really killing you, then write a letter to him. Stay away for now and try and get a bit of strength to cope with contact with him. Its no good if its making you ill. Only do what you can cope with, I think these sitches take a loooong time to play out, so nothing will be lost if you step back for a while?
Thinking of you Abbey, aer you still seeing your C? When I was in a very bad way 6 months back, I upped mine to twice a week and also called the helpline to talk to someone once a week, so I was getting help every few days. Maybe increase the support your getting whilst you feel low?
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Go dark on him again. If the stuff you see/hear about them is dragging you down, then get away from his drama. Turn off the soap opera lol.
Reconnect with those old friends. But maybe say I DO NOT want to hear about my H and the parasite. I need your friendship and support, but I also need to be away from the drama.
Keep making new ones.
What's going on with your music?
((((((Abbey))))))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Just a little update that I'm still around and kickin' *smile* I have a C appt on Wednesday and one of my best friends is staying with me over night tonight - Tuesday. Her hubs is away on business.
Thanks for the good thoughts and wishes... I'll try to answer some of Ali's questions in another post...
The update: There's more going on that I found out last night,... I need as Michelle said to get away from the drama/soap... but what has me shaking my head now is her latest power play.
I guess in the midst of this selfish phase of MLC, the H doesn't want to live with anyone. I guess she thought if she played all her cards right, that she would convince him to let her move into the big shiny house with all the benefits of being able to spend like the gold digger parasite she is and sink her claws into his future no matter what!!! I had been told that he's set her up to move into a place by herself instead - with or without kidlettes, who the hell knows. (I've known about this since early July)
So right now she's put in the position of not having "either" security of my H, his money etc... or her husband who still loves her, and is still going to be able to manipulate and have his "money" to fall back on, Her sitch right now is that she would still be alone without anyone to latch onto in any sufficient way that would satisfy her... So... what to do, what to do?... Her answer... try harder to get into MY house.
The latest: She's told my H that she's contemplating going back to her husband. Can we all say POWER PLAY? She's good, I"ll give her that. Will he bend? I dunno. I can't control that,... just hope SOMETHING some people have said to him since we split... has sunk in and he doesn't fold.
Hard not to try to read the tea leaves as to what might happen next... I'm trying to put it out of my mind,... DO as I said I've done... go dark and let go. Let it play out as it will. Accept that he has to follow his path, even if it's head first into the fire.
I know one thing... since he's still in MLC mode... being with me isn't somewhere I can go... (as he won't want to be alone too long)...BUT... I will not go through the on again, off again thing that some have gone through here. This break up almost killed me once... Once burned, twice shy, ya know?
If he was coming out of this... I might feel differently, but being able to think clearly has certainly made me realize the possible ways this could possibly go. None of which I'm *ready* for. I'm not dealing with a MLC'er who's brain is still in knots, I'm certainly not going to allow myself to be "seconds". or second choice. I love my H, I love who he was, who he is capable of being... this alien... no thanks. But I'm getting a head of myself...He may be wrapped enough around her finger to fold to her latest manipulation... PLus what Ali said in her 5) comment, ... is where I'm at. I need to regenerate. I need to be able to deal with him as a friend someday, and even right now, I find that prospect horribly difficult and exhausting.
Abbey
Last edited by Abbey; 08/26/0811:45 AM.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Well, all I can say is, brilliant news!!! It may be power play, OR it may be that SHE is a WAS with 4 young kids and is genuinely considering leaving her older rich man to go back to her H???? Sounds plausible to me. And if thats the case and she is already mentioning returning to her M, she must be conflicted and therefore, this new R is even more precarious than we here and his RL family and friends were saying! I think, as hard as this is, it goes in your favour either way. I understand yuo dont want to be 2nd best, but you have no chance of fixing yuor M (from what I understand abuot MLC and PA) until this ow is out of the picture, so I hope she does go back to her H!
I await your catch up on the other stuff, hugs to you, Ali xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'm talking some days over the long weekend to not think one iota about the lyin' cheatin' alien flea bitten' H I have the misfortune of being thrown into this nightmare with.
I'm going to go have a lovely time with some friends who care about me.
The rule this weekend (at MY request)...is that his name and anything about him, the parasite or THEM at all, is OFF LIMITS. I've had it up to my eyeballs. I need some fun. Besides, Ali right... unless, until he grows his brain back and gets rid of the parasite, there really is nothing more that I can do right now. Based on the latest stuff. IT's about self protection for me now. I still love him, but I have to accept that I need to COMPLETELY let go.
The piece of info about maybe them breaking up, as much as people mean well... can set me up for a long painful tailspin. I've worked hard to try to keep my head afloat. Plain truth is people want happy endings, it's inherent in humans, so having news like they've broken up or there's that possibility close in the future... makes "them" (family and friends)feel good.. but really does nothing but put me into a bad place. Just because those two might actually break up... doesn't mean he's coming back in my direction. My world is now about me and day to day.
Somewhere in the last 3 days, my heart got a lot harder than I ever thought it ever could get. *shrug* Life sure IS strange.
Abbey
Last edited by Abbey; 08/29/0806:43 PM.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
