I picked him up from the airport and he hugged me and kissed the top of his head and I can't remember a word either one of said but about five minutes away from the airport he says "Do you want to talk about anything" I replied, "Well, everything I needed to say was said in those emails so really the balls in your court if you have anything you want say". He said "No, I don't want to talk about a thing." Now he had been on the go for about 18 hours at that point so I bit my lip for the long 40 min drive home and didn't say a word. Neither did he
He came in the house (unpacked his suitcase for the first time ever on the same day of the trip at 11pm) and came into the laundry room to help fold the laundry .. I shooed him away and said I got it, but he came back and insisted. He then went to bed and crashed. When I came to bed later I felt his hand slide under my shoulder just a bit.
He got up with the kids and I got up shortly and the kids went off to school and then he got in the shower and climbed back into bed because i was cold and I fell asleep to be awoken up by him climbing back into bed. He snuggled me and then he started the talking by saying "I don't know why it's so hard to talk about this with you, it's so hard, and so wrong, and I don't want to hurt you. I love you very much but I know you probably want me out of the house and I will go if you want.
I told I didn't want him out but he had to respect the fact that it was very difficult to hold, love and give him myself when I know his heart is divided. He pretty adamantely told me that's not what it was ..... there where feelings but his heart is here. I just told him that I was scared that this was going to prove to be to tough on me emotionally if this was going to be "how it is". I am afraid it's setting me up to vunerable. I stated I didn't want him to leave the home, but if he needed the space I could stay up at my friends house up the street under the guise of caring for her dog or I could sleep in the guest room. Tell the kids the snoring was bothering me. He didn't like either of those suggestions.
I later when we where on an errand we were getting out of the car and I handed him my wedding rings and I told him "H, I need an outward sign that when you are truly ready to commit your whole heart to me I would love these back. I can not just wonder about this for the rest of my days with you." At first he didn't seem to like that but nodded yes and then when we both got to the back of the car he grabbed my hand and held it.
My rings now sit in a covered dish on his dresser.... first place I looked to see where he put them LOL
I told Silent Cheerleader....He'll probably forget they are there!
He's been very nice (as usual) sitting by me on the couch, opening my car door but I am still going to try to stay pulled back and not address the subject anymore.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
From my unique POV as a pilot also, I get the distinct impression that your H has lost complete and total confidence in himself (with regards to your R and his failure to remain faithful). I have a sneaking suspicion that he (like myself) once believed that he would never cheat on his W. And now that he has, he is having an extremely difficult time forgiving himself for his actions and the severe harm that he knows he caused.
It is interesting and ironic that it seems you were able to forgive him (from what I can tell) for his infidelity sooner than he was able to forgive himself.
I think that I had mentioned to you before that I think that he feels unworthy of your love and committment to the M as a result of his breech and betrayal.
You hit the nail on the head so to speak. This is what he says. Athough he does have a relationship with God, I know that he seems to be able to call upon him to help in this situation. i guess because he doesn't feel worthy.
Thanks for your perspective. You are very intuitive into how the thought process is for most of you types!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Wow, the whole wedding ring thing. I just put mine on by myself this week. They came back from the jewelers and I didn't put them back on for about a month. But it wasn't fair to my H because I didn't let him know why I wasn't wearing them. I wasn't wearing them for exactly the reason you stated to your H in that "they are a symbol of his love and when he's ready to give it then please give them back to me". I wish I had it in me at the time to not avoid the confrontation and to tell him the same thing you told your H.
Best of luck to you.
Married - 19 years Noticed Problem - Aug 2008 THE Conversation - Oct 2008
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
