Hello everyone who contributed to the now-locked Detaching thread. I've decided continue on with it, hoping that many people will join in and just share their thoughts, feelings, words of inspirations, successes and failures while learning how to detach.
I have been slapped more than once recently by SG for not "focusing, and for asking advise from too many people." I happen to like me enough to want to try and get the best possible advise so I can make the best possible changes in myself. Although I'm not that good at it yet, I plan to become better through forums like these, through practice, and through time. I only have three months of DB knowledge behind me. I hear you all talking about how it often takes 12 to 18 months. So, I have hope.
I've been advised to go dark. I have not spoken to my Husband in two days, save one time early yesterday morning when he called me for 30 seconds. So, I am feeling positive about my progress. If others will join in, I'm sure I'll gain some valuable knowledge and be able to give some of my own life experiences in return.
I have never posted to you before but I've walked a mile in your shoes (or similar footwear - LOL). I was here on the MLC bb for app 3 years, starting in 2001. Like you - I REALLY struggled to detach. It seemed to be the opposite of what I wanted. But it really is necessary in order to grow and make necessary changes - regardless of what happens down the road.
I found that the best way for me to detach was to "get a life". Now, that does not mean go looking for someone new. No, not at all. It simply means - find purposeful things to do in your life. Find things to do that you enjoy. Try to remember who you were and what you enjoyed doing before you got married.
I enjoy spending time travelling so I tried to find ways I could afford and learned to travel first with friends, later on my own. I also picked up some old hobbies (cross stitch, painting) and also some new ones (making miniatures, going to the symphony). The thing is - when you are busy doing things that you enjoy - it is less likely you will spend as much time focussing on your H and what he is up to.
I know how hard it is to do the things I've suggested. Sometimes I just wanted to stay in bed and pull up the covers. But these things do help.
And try to be independent. It never hurts to learn to do things for yourself. It really bugged me in the beginning that I had to fix things myself - I would just call H to do it. STOP! Do it yourself. Let him be.
I hope my suggestions are of some use to you. Hang in there. And NEVER be afraid to get as many suggestions as possible. That is NETWORKING. It is always a good thing. But it is up to YOU to decide which info to use and which info not to.
Hmmm, Blackberry Merlot, Poet? And a new coat of polish, of course.
Catch you later, sis. Going home from work now.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Hey All, After reading parts of the detachment threads - there is so much to detaching. I like the detaching poem. Gives me a lot of think about and towards the direction I want to go. Control - what a central issues in everyones life. Learning to give take & share.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
I really, really, really glad this thread has not gone into the wasteland. I hope we can keep it front and center and maybe more people will visit here. I loved what all of you have said so far, and yes, Wifey, I'm going for a pedicure tonight after work.
Ms. Mel, I also loved what you said although I wish you would elaborate on all of your comments, especially the parts about "control." You also mentioned "there is so much to detaching." Can we hear your thoughts on this too.
Barbie, Thank you as well. I love the examples you give. I am trying and succeeding in some of them. There has to be more than just doing things tho. What is the mindset?
