Well, my thread locked and so here is my new subject. I think this is the fifth one now. I'm listening to Ed Young, and "They." The bad They, and the good They. There ya go. Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. He says we should "fight" for our spouses. Love that.
Hey Poet. I'm real sore this morning, hurting, but I'm going to be ok. Hugs to you.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Originally Posted By: poet I know you don't like the "nonsexual" threads, but would you mind jumping over to my thread (linked under my signature) and seeing if there is something/anything there that you could comment on? I would really appreciate it.
It isn't a matter of my "not liking" to post on the other forums, it's just that I don't know enough about DBing to feel confident about advising anyone. I haven't had to bust a divorce, we haven't had any affairs or walk-aways, and I haven't even read the DB or DR books. It's out of my area of so-called expertise.
The one thing that I will ask you to consider is that throughout your thread and reports on your situation, I continue to see a lot of ANGER and SPITEFULNESS, alternating with CLINGING and DESPAIR. I can't blame you for having any of these emotions, but whenever you interact with your spouse in any way, you'll need to push those emotions aside completely. You and your H are very good at pushing each other buttons, exchanging jabs, and acting like you're at war --> leading you to either be spiteful to him, say something angrily to him, or break down completely in front of him.
You H needs to see the part of you that he originally fell in love with: neither clinging & desperate nor angry & spiteful. Somehow, you need to center yourself and find the self-contained, self-confident woman inside of yourself. Then, display that woman to him in every interaction, and NOT let him goad you into behavior that hurts your cause.
Well, I arrived home last night near dark, and my H had already been here. No (sadly) he did not inform me that he would be coming home. He did leave a note. It had no greeting and no salutation.
It said:
"I'm sorry I came home to do my laundry. I have not snooped and I am not going to say anything else right now. The front door was left unlocked."
I'm guessing he did "not say anything else right now," because he is probably upset and will be letting his attorney know that the pickup truck was not in the yard.
On Monday, he moved his camper to an unknown location, as I believe I've already let you know. On Monday, I moved to let a friend borrow the truck.
I did not call him, and honestly, I was angry at first because he continues to break my boundaries. But I am trying to let that go. I have not spoken to him at all in almost four days.
hugs to all and I welcome your interpretations/responses/encouragements and advice.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Yes, he is living in his camper. Maybe I should explain further and again. I went over there crying two Sundays ago (I think it was) begging him to tell me the truth and tell me there is another woman. He pushed me away, and when I asked him to hold me and I was trembling, he did not. He struggled and violently pushed me out of his camper and told me to "leave" him alone. I saw that the locks were changed and said I would change the locks on the house. He said, "If you do, I'll break a window."
Then this past Sunday, someone(supposedly) pushed up his window and tampered with his lock and he blamed me.
I got a voicemail today from H. He was very angry that his truck was not in the driveway. He said, he contacted the sheriff and his attorney. He said the sheriff said they will go and arrest my friends at gunpoint if it's not back in the driveway today. Oh my. (Wonder how he knew a friend had it?)
I called him and he was very angry, repeating the sheriff and the gunpoint issue and saying such things as he is reminding me that he is paying all my bills etc., etc. and I shouldn't be spending any money except for gas and food. ugh!
I was actually shaking in my pants. I tried to calm him down and tell him that I couldn't have the truck back today because I was at work. (He called me on the reference desk telephone and I had to physically leave my station).
On the voicemail, he said I needed to call him today and tell him if I was going to settle or not, because if not, his attorney is going to file today. When I called him, he asked me "Yes, or No?!!!" I answered yes. He was spewing out lots of anger words that I can't even remember right now, and I'm so afraid of his anger. Why is that?
He said of his attorney, "If not, Suzanne, my attorney is going to file. She wants to file." I said, "It's not her who wants to file, it's you." He said. "No, she wants to file. She said it is in my best interest."
More talk and anger by him ... I told him I couldn't talk anymore, and I won't be able to have the truck back today. "Then, I'm going to call the sheriff. Goodbye." I think this is when I left the desk and went outside to call him. I told him I couldn't have the truck back today because I was at work. I'd have to get it back when I get home. He said it was his truck and no one else is allowed to drive it, etc. etc. "I'm going to drive by there on my way to work tomorrow, and if it's not there, I'm going to call the sheriff and I promise you, they will come and arrest your friends at gunpoint because it's grand theft." I tried to assure him I'd get it tonight. I don't know if he believes me. He's so angry.
The R talk came up. I told him I am trying very hard to forgive him. And I know he's having a relationship with Jennifer, and I just wish he would be honest with me. He said he was not. I asked him how come he's talking to her for an hour every night on his cell phone. He said he was not doing that. I said, "OK, I guess we grasping at straws then, maybe not every night, but often." He said, he wasn't, "...and even if I was it's none of your business."
I said it may not be my business now, but it was my business for the past four years. You betrayed me and I'm trying very hard to forgive you. I said that I wanted to --- and I DO --- do everything he wants me to do, and he needs to let me know when I do something that he does not like.
He then brought up the camper and how someone broke into it. I tried to tell him that it was not me, but he did not listen. He said, "You even pushed up the window when you left last week," etc. etc. I said I didn't but he became enraged again and called me a liar. I can't fix him/his anger. I have to work on forgiving him. And I have to work on my anxiety and fear.
I have an IC appointment at lunchtime today. More about that later. I'm so sorry he hates me. I am trying to turn the corner on forgiveness.
I want to find my *self* again. I did tell him that I still love him and want to do whatever it is he needs me to do.
Well, I went to my desk a little while ago and saw the H had text-ed me. I called him back, asking if this was before we talked etc., and he said he called me back because his office secretary said I called. I said OK, and I was sorry I borrowed his pickup. He reiterated that I could use it in the future, but I have to ask him first, etc. I said OK. He also said he didn't text me, but that he paged me. BIG difference -- since he has me blocked from paging him.
