I had a freak out last night. Poor S16 got the brunt of it.
S16 and his friends are fixing up the garage to put a pool table in for a hang out room. Well, S16 constructed a "bar" and attached it to the wall. The only wall I'd asked him not to do anything to.
Well, S16 did not accept my reason that I didn't want it on that wall since it was blocking the door to the outside.
We had words. He pushed the barstool so hard it put a big dent into my kitchen cabinets. I'd told S16 just great, I'm trying to keep the house in good condition so we can sell it since his dad walked out on me. S16 said that I need to get over it since it's been a year. I told him just because he and his brother like OW and I've had 20 yrs invested with their father doesn't mean I can get over it. In the heat of the argument I told S16 about H taking OW and her kids on vacations while he was still living with us.
I know I know it just came out. I'm so tired of people accepting her and the sitch while I'm dealing with it all by myself.
Anyway, S16 said well it was his money he could do what he wanted. I said WHAT!? He said well, you just said that you can't afford this house so it was his money that paid for it all so it was his money to do what he wanted. WTF!! I work too. Just because I don't make 1/2 of what H does and his salary paid for most of our things does that mean it's OK for him to cheat on me? Where does he get this idea?
So, I hung up on my best friend (her and her H are now hanging out with H and OW every other weekend at their camp) and left the house for about 3 hours last night. I went to another friends house and cried for 3 whole hours.
I was really doing better until last night. I'd even gone out Saturday night with a friend to a couple of clubs. I feel like I'm right back to where I started at.
It will get better SL. Sorry you were down at Christmas. I think my h too felt I did things on my own and made my own decisions.
So what I started to do, is left things for my h to do. Like h next time you come over can you hang a photo for me in the bedroom. H I am thinking of purchasing a compute printer. What would you recommend. Keeps him connected and he gets to help. If your h likes to help then you want to let him help.
I have seen the secret on DVD. It's a good concept. You might want to check it out. My h was saying something the other day about making me happy. I stopped him, looked him straight in the eye and said h you are not responsible for my happiness I am. I also said h thank you though for thinking of me that way. I do appreciate it.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
It gets to the point where it feels no one is on your side.
You feel so alone.
No one seems to care what you have been through.
Life becomes so unfair.
I can relate when the kids seem to justify their father's behaviors, when they start to like the OW, when they don't see the unfairness of the whole situation.
All the years of standing by your man while he gets ahead.
It hurts.
I promise you it will turn around. The truth will come out. Keep doing what is right and the kids will eventually see through the BS.
Patience is the key
thinking of you Trusting
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Thank you for your kind words. H never comes around. He lives 1 1/2 hr away with OW. If anything is needed to be done he has S's do it for him. H did like to help but he has put me so completely out of his life that I don't think anything will help us now.
Trusting:
Thank you too. Everyone is telling me to get pass this. It's going to make me bitter. I know patience is the key. I REALLY need to work on this one.
I went to see my friend that is caught in the middle to talk to her about last night. She said I should be mad at H not OW. OW didn't do this to me. I just can't bring myself to be mad at H. I love him dearly. She told me that I can't ask her not to be friends with someone just because they aren't my friend. I understand this but it's hard. She said that OW is a nice person. I personally do not understand how anyone can say the OW is a nice person after what they have done to help H in destroying their W and children.
Some words of wisedom would be greatly appreciated right now. I'm having such a melt down!
I called H last night. I knew he was out of town and not at OW's house so he could talk freely. I needed to speak to him regarding selling our home.
We talked for 1 1/2 hrs.
He actually apologized for what he'd done. This was a first.
He told me that I had emasculated him. He said some things from our far past that I could see how he felt that way. I didn't point fingers and say you did this or you did that to me so I did this and that to you. I just let him talk.
H told me that I didn't appreciate him and I told him that WE didn't appreciate each other. H said that OW appreciates him and he appreciates her because they both have it better this time then they did in their 1st marriages.
He said that he'd tried to make it work but couldn't try anymore. I asked him how he thought he was trying when he was always texting her or on the phone with her; taking her and her kids on vacation while me and our S's stayed home; he'd take her away to New Orleans for weekend get aways but when I'd ask if we could go for a weekend he'd say how much he hates it there and that it's dirty; how he chose to be with her and her kids all while our S's and I thought he was working so hard for us and we felt bad for him that he couldn't be home with us. He said that he'd put a wall up and had tried to stay for the boys long before he met OW.
I told him that we could not change the past but work on a better future together. Now that we are both aware and all the cards are on the table we can both work on things. I said why don't we get a disinterested, third party to speak to that could help us. He, of course, said he didn't want to do this.
The conversation was OK. Neither one of us yelled or raised our voice. I told him that we had problems communicating in the past and that now that we are aware of everything we can start to communicate better. I told him he put his job first, I put the kids first and that we didn't put US first and that is what we need to do.
H told me that he sincerely wished that I'd find someone that could be my friend like OW is for him. He says that things are great, they hang out, laugh, cut up, have a good time together and regarding sex if it happens OK if not that's OK too. HUH? I couldn't believe he said the last part.
He never said that he loved OW just that they were such good friends and that he and I never got a chance to be "friends" because at first it was lust (which he said was great) then I became pregnant with S20 and we got married. He said that he hoped that we could be friends some day.
I'm meeting with him tomorrow after work to discuss putting the house on the market.
I spoke to H about putting our home on the market. The homes in our neighborhood are taking 1 - 1 1/2 yrs to sell. That would put S17 graduated.
H says he wants to want until S17 is "at an age that he can handle the sale of the house". WTF! When S17 was 15 H thought he was at an age to meet the woman that his dad had been having an affair with only 3 weeks after H had walked out on us and had changed S17's world as he knew it forever.
Does anyone understand this logic? I can't afford my home and H knows it but he won't allow us to put the house on the market.
Sooner, I suspect that your h isn't ready to give up the ties to the past. He's using his son as an excuse to hold on to the past from afar. There is absolutely no sane logic to the way they think.
If you are absolutely sure you want to put the house on the market, I would persue it. His logic is really off and your son obviously is more mature than your h. Do what is best for you and your son.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No, I'm not sure that I want to sell it. I keep believing that H will wake up from him MLC fog and return home. I only know that I can't afford our home without H. H has said that he'd continue to send the money but "only if he doesn't have any problems with me and that I don't try to come between him and the boys." He refuses to put it in writing and I think I'd be insane to stay unless it is. I see this as H's way of still trying to control me.
I keep telling H that we can still work it out and that he hasn't done anything to make me stop loving him. Others have worked it out and so can we. I also tell him that we have communication problems and now that we know it we can work on things. Should I not bother telling him this? I just want him to know that I still have the door open for him. Am I wrong for this?
